Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Make him leave the house if you can. You parents helped you buy the place, you are the one working, you are the one raising the kids and it’s there home. Don’t all be forced out by his behaviour. Possession is nine tenths of the law. Maybe it will have to be sold and you will go your separate ways but you are 99% likely to end up being the one with the kids and they need a home. Divorcing is like ripping off a plaster but 100 times worse. It’s going to be extremely hard but I don’t think you have any choice. He does actually need a big intervention but it doesn’t sound like he’d be responsive to that.

Well done in taking that first step. Could you get your employer on board to help you? After all it’s in their interests to be supportive rather than you feeling you need to take time off sick. In your circumstances being at home with your OH wouldn’t help. Do you have a mum friend you can ask to help with school runs? Or as pp have said use the wraparound services.

When I got divorced my employer was surprisingly very supportive. I think they have to be - good HR practice. Compared to any other life crisis (bereavement or even maternity) they were extremely understanding. A lot of people go through it - it’s a massive crisis - and they want to keep good employees.

OP

re your comment:
"If he got more than me in a split, my parents would never forgive me. They've already told me we need to stay together because of it".

And look where that has got you thus far. They are not married to him and your kids also know all too well what their dad is like. Thankfully you have now contacted a Solicitor. Be proactive here and continue as you are now doing.

And your parents were so wrong on so many level to say that to you.

I have a load of these, you can attach them to the inside of cards and they play music when you open the card.

Here's one where you can record your own message "Get off the sofa" for instance:

www.amazon.co.uk/Greeting-Delicate-Recordable-Recording-Wonderful-default/dp/B07XZ8L8Q7/ref=asc_df_B07XZ8L8Q7?mcid=000820d1dc923a2abfc6991e868014df&hvocijid=10417611442257391843-B07XZ8L8Q7-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10417611442257391843&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006773&hvtargid=pla-2281435176698&psc=1&gad_source=1

If he calls your name don't go to him. Say you're getting CCTV downstairs for security (let your children know so they don't go down there nude or anything) and film him sitting on the sofa all day every day. When you divorce that's all the evidence you need that he does f all for the kids and he will have knowingly produced that evidence.

It doesn't matter what your parents say, you're the parent now. Your kids are the future.

Yep! Especially if there was an audience when the gift was received.

So glad to see focus of thread has returned to supporting op not all the
'THINK OF THE POOR MAN!!' Nonsense!

As I said before, put his sofa upstairs in his bedroom and reclaim the living room

It sounds like you know you will leave and taking time to think, plan and think some more is ok. It’s not a race, you’ll be able to organise everything you need to as you sound very capable and your children will clearly understand.
Sell the house, people can view it with him sitting on his bottom. You can pack and prepare for your new life with him contributing nothing or you can stay as you are, with him contributing nothing.

Get your husband to pick up from school, he’s got his car on the drive hasn’t he??

just say you have an appointment. Make something up.

I would think the courts would take a dim view of a non parenting man who just sits on the sofa each day. Why the hell isn't he doing the school pick ups?

You say he doesn't get on with his parents but is it worth you speaking to them to get help dealing with your husband?

Sorry not a lot of advice to offer but good luck with everything.

Do NOT wait for your parents deaths to move out as the git would probably claim for that estate too.

It seems to me that your husband should be removed from the home as he is affecting the mental health of the whole household. How dare he dictate to you.

He won’t be able to claim that he needs to house the DC when they do not wish to live with him. His pension will need to be taken into account too.

Time to get rid of one of the cars as he never leaves the house.

This is an important point - do NOT wait until after your parents die as he may well get half of your inheritance too. This happened to me. I didn't mind at the time because I was so glad to be free, but looking back, I wish I'd left sooner.

Good luck op, baby steps, your doing great 👍

This is good advice. re legal. Above.

Don't tip him off or let him know any of your plans.
He sounds calculating and nasty.

I bet he ate the take away you paid for. His attitude was so utterly petty and punishing. What an utterly disgusting man.

I'm not suprised you feel so hurt, but OP, let this be the turning point. He cannot continue to ruin your life like this. You deserve better.

He can bleat all he wants about how he pays (or paid in the past ) for holidays... Your bank accounts will prove that you have paid for the kids.
His contribution was over 3 years ago.. it's historic. You are the breadwinner and child carer.

He is not a SAHDad.. He is simply a Stay at home.

Try to disengage as much as possible. Take the kids out for tea on the way home from school, and at the weekend as much as possible, so you can have some happy times together out of his orbit. Let the kids stay with Grand Ps whilst you go and see some friends. Start building some better times into you life, for you and your children even whilst you are still there... And if you can get some counselling to help you cope with this shitty situation.

Yes good point - tell him that he HAS to pick up the kids from school that. Say you have a smear test or seeing the Dr about peri/meno issues etc. Something that he won’t want to ask any extra questions about!

Can you get evidence of his savings and of all the child related outgoings that you pay?

Well done @Hadenough91625.

Remember how you feel right now after having taken a small but hugely significant first step. Try to concentrate on that incredible achievement.

It’s a bit like inching along a diving board - lots of anxiety, trepidation, back and forth, hesitation but keep nudging forward and one day you will see how much distance you have covered and you will know when you are ready to take the leap. You can already see the sparkling blue water.

Yippee. We’re all routing for you.

Damn right.

I can't believe your parents wouldn't want you to be happy!!

I have to say, having been through a divorce, that the legal system doesn’t give a fig about whether he is sitting on his backside all day while you are running around like mad. They don’t care what you are spending on the kids either compared to his savings. Irrelevant. The only purpose of solicitors in a divorce is to split the finances. There is no ruling over who has worked like a slave and who has lazed about. I was told the courts “cannot look into the detail of a marriage” and they work with a broad brush. You will never get to court anyway because of the cost - a settlement via solicitors is most likely. It’s not a system that works for fairly if you are a working mother with a bone idle husband. It robbed me of my life savings. But all you can say is it has to be done.

With inheritance it depends whether the couple divorcing has enough of a pot that can be split and provide homes for both. In that case if you put your inheritance in your own named account and do NOT in any way “intermingle” it with married funds then it is yours to keep. However, I’m not really sure how that is possible in real life! Spend a penny on anything joint for the family and he can claim half of the lot. The law is an ass.

Here's one where you can record your own message "Get off the sofa" for instance:

Even better would be ‘Get your fat lazy ass off the sofa’

😁