Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

Potential buyers will be afraid the sofa with husband on it comes with the house 😁😂!!!

Echoing others with needing legal advice ASAP OP, but in regards to the house: I can't see how his MH would get him more than half? You've said it is big, so surely his portion would be enough to get himself a small place? Also, given he is whittling down his savings on day to day living and these will also be counted in the divorce settlement (marriage being a joint enterprise and him only able to build them as you were covering the childcare etc), it would be financially savvy to start proceedings sooner rather than later. Would your share of the savings (plus pension) offset any losses to your parent's investment in the house?
WRT affording the house if he moved out, you are already used to the loss of 2 rooms (the spare room and living room). Would the income from taking on lodgers in the short term whilst you sell up cover the shortfall?

It's frustrating that the MH team have encouraged the lack of activity and recommended not pushing him to get out and about or do more. Surely the inevitable looming divorce as a consequence will be even more stressful for him?

In the very short term, is increasing your hours possible? It could be sold as you not bringing in enough to cover your share, but would allow you to build up a bit of a safety net and force him to get out for the school run.

Argh! The thread hadn't loaded this until I posted. That's great!
Doctor's appointment (for gynae issues/smear if there is further digging from DH - they never want to know too much about that!) as the reason for your absence. Would the head give time off if you're honest given the circs or during the school run? Would he pick them up as a one off? If not, could the kids get a taxi/lift home with a friend/bus etc?

I think if you were to be honest with your manager and said you wanted to visit a solicitor to see how you could go about escaping an abusive relationship they would bend over backwards to support you at this time.

I could not live like that. I would be eaten alive by resentment. This is not a normal way of life to model for your children.

This has similarities to my Father in Law Op; at about 55 he had a massive depressive episode and after a stint in an in-patient unit has spent the past 25 years pretty much sat in the same chair watching TV. Initially he would shuffle to the pub on evening a week and would attend some family events but that has dwindled to virtually nothing and he's now suffering from Parkinson's.

Any efforts (and there have been countless) to engage him in anything have either failed or been short lived, and the lack of any proper routine or social interaction mean he has turned into a very selfish, centered man is is more than happy to manipulate people with threats of self harm.

My lovely mother in law has had no real life for many years, its heartbreaking to watch.

Please, please don't let this continue, Ive had some very honest conversations with my MiL and she would do things much differently in hindsight. You and your children deserve so much more.

Funny story about my sofa man. When we moved house I was running round like a blue arsed fly organising removal men, checking meters, talking to solicitors and estate agents. He asked whether the removal men could put his sofa on the van last then put it in the house straightaway so he could sit down again. The removal men genuinely side eyed him but he was unfazed by it.

Im not a lawyer but my understanding of this is that given he has shown himself to have higher earning potential in the past, this will be taken into consideration with any division of assets or funds. So long as he doesn't work for an industry where time out of work means he has to basically start from scratch (where industry standards have moved on so much in the time they have been out of work).

This happened with a couple I knew, where she had stopped working- when they split up, the solicitor argued that as she was previously employed as a high earning estate agent, there was no reason why she couldn't return to this role now so no reason why she should get anymore from the house sale.

Does he go somewhere to see the psychiatrist and his other appointments or are they done online? If he goes out, chuck the bloody sofa out when he's not there and when he gets back, tell him he can follow it!

It must be soul destroying living like that. Your DC will always think of their dad lying on that sofa, being a lazy arsed layabout

Are you still with him?

You're doing the right thing. It sounds like he would make the split tricky, but you will be on the road toward having some space away from him, and having the independence to make your own decisions. It'll be worth it. But keep it close to your chest while youre getting organised

@Silverbirchleaf in the early stages of separation. I’m sure he will put me through absolute hell, he’s so used to getting his own way. I’ve left it far too long. I’m an anxious shadow, have no faith in myself or my decision making. I keep thinking of the person i used to be and it’s almost lost like a death.

You are on a low salary and he was on a high salary yet you paid all bills 50-50? That’s financially abusive.

Good luck with the solicitor.

Rather than hijack @Hadenough91625‘s post, if my be helpful for you to start your own thread.

@Ticktockwatchclockif you take a moment to rtft you’ll see I was responding to a question from another person. I’m not hijacking anything.

You know you need to get out of this marriage and you're better off doing it sooner rather than later while maybe he still has some savings so you're not utterly and completely ripped off in the divorce.

If your children are teenagers do you really need to do the school run or can they take a bus home or a bus to a cafe where they could wait for you or could they get a lift to a friends house and you could pick them up later? Hopefully this would give you a chance to meet with solicitors.

Definitely don't wait until your parents die, he'd be entitled to half of your inheritance too!!

Awww MY sofa man 💕💘lol

I bet these sofa men have a secret club where they discuss strategies to thwart wives who try to get them of it! 😀!

Like what intervention? The dude can do basic housework as fast needed so he can do his favourite hobby, soffa sitting. He will be able to afford this lifestyle very easily even on UC. Just a room, a sofa and some food plus telly and he is tzar

It’s a form of abuse but I don’t know the name for it. I never really had a big argument with my bone idle hubby - we just grew further and further apart. I was always massively overcompensating because of my shame about having such a useless husband (and feeling it was because I must be so unattractive and unworthy of affection or respect). To an outsider everything seemed like it was a normal family - except he wasn’t really engaged. This did cause family disfunction.

Then everything came to a head and he left and basically never contacted any of the family again except for wanting a large payment via solicitors.

I’m glad you have taken the first step, OP. Your post has really chimed with me. It’s not as easy to get out of this as some Mumsnetters might make out. So sorry to tell you my experience but I think it’s relevant.

Yes obviously he only needs a room and a sofa. But the law won’t see it that way. I’ve been through it. The law will say he should also have somewhere for the kids to stay even if he never sees them again and never bothers to contact them! Crazy but true.

Hey OP, how are you getting on?

Morning everyone. So I have spoken to the solicitor, don't really feel any more knowledgeable than I did before. I felt they were just saying the standard stuff.
They said it will probably be 50/50 and all should be quite simple unless he decides to be awkward (which he will) and if that's the case then it can drag on for years and be much more costly. I already know all that lol

Maybe you could try another solicitor, maybe you will click more with them.

The way he is carrying on, it won't be long before he has a major physical issue, like a stroke, and then it'll be even harder to divorce. Imagine that you will have to look after him when he has physically disabled - all your time, energy, and money will be spent on him, getting him out of bed and onto his sofa, taking him to doctor/hospital visits, running around for him. This could go on for decades.

It's a horrific scenario but very likely.

So right now is the best time to make a concerted push to get a divorce. He still has some money-making ability, can still drive, and still has his health.