Husbands life on the sofa, cont cope with it anymore

[Hadenough91625]

We are in our 40s with teenagers. Husband finished work permanently 3 years ago due to mental health. He had a depressive episode but has largely recovered. During that time he took to sitting /lying on the sofa for 24 hours a day and not moving unless to go to the toilet or get a drink. It was obviously his safe space. No problem.
He insisted he would return to work at some point but never has. It was then decided that I would work (I was a sahm/housewife before as he was a high earner) and he would become the house Husband, no problem although massive dip in earnings.

Since then his daily routine is as follows: (just want to preface by saying he shows no signs of depression, seems very happy and content with his new way of life)

Monday to Friday - he gets up at 6.30am with me , we wake the kids , me and kids get ready for school/work. Husband mad dashes around for 1 hour doing the dishwasher, putting washing in, quickly cleaning round.
Before we leave he is already set up the sofa. We leave and I drop both kids to school on my way to work.
He stays on the sofa. I pop home for lunch as only work round the corner, he's still on the sofa. I go back to work . I finish work, pick kids up from school, get back he's still on the sofa.
He then stays on the sofa until bedtime. I cook tea sometimes, he will cook sometime.
In a 24 hour period , he sleeps for 8 hours, does housework for 1 hour and sits on the sofa for 15 hours.
In addition to this he does not leave the house. We have his car on finance sitting on the drive doing less than 1k miles a year.

On the weekend he gets up about 9am, he will be set up on the sofa when me and kids eventually come down. Me and kids do our own thing in or out of the house. He will not move from the sofa all day from 9am until 11pm at night both Saturday and Sunday and school holidays.
It's become a running joke between myself and the children when we drive into the driveway you can see his head on the sofa and we will say "oh dad's still on the sofa"!.
Any time of day you come in and out of the house there he is!! I often wonder what the neighbours think as they will be able to see him sitting there and that he doesn't go out.

It concerns me so much that a 40 year old is living this way. It's no life. He says he loves it!! Where do we go from here?
Not easy to say separate as been together since we were 18. We are emeshed financially .
As this has gone on for such a long time , we have just got used to it and carry on life around him. But for me now a massive anger is building inside me and every time I look at him on that sofa it enrages me and I just want to scream at him to get up.
We have 4 sofas/chairs in our lounge, he will only stay on this one that is opposite the tv. He won't let anyone else sit on it and he also won't sit on any of the others!! I think it's incredibly strange behaviour. Mentally it's obvious that he feels safe there and it has become his new normal but it's not normal in any way and I can't get him to see it!

I mean this kindly but what was it you were looking for in terms of more knowledge? The standard stuff sounds correct and detail and strategy would come later once they have all your information and papers.

This happened to someone I know, she wanted to leave her husband and they did separate, but never got the divorce, then he developed dementia, and couldn’t consent to a divorce, I’ve never known a more bitter woman than her talking about her husband. She hated him.

@Hadenough91625 I’m sorry the solicitor was not more positive, how annoying. It can’t hurt to try another?
Either way, the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends. Can you frame it that way in your mind?

😂 secret sofa men society! It would be done online only as they can't leave the sofa!

Well done for doing seeing a solicitor.

You seem a little disappointed? It sounds like you are not emboldened to push the button today? That’s a good place to be. But keep your head in the zone.

Maybe keep looking at online resources / info - to get an idea of the process, the timelines, costs, obstacles - the divorce threads here maybe helpful.

Remember that being in an unbalanced and toxic relationship is never static - it erodes you - all the ‘little’ things you tolerate and carry accumulate and compound each other to deplete, exhaust and destroy you….have edited your statement from above to reflect if you stay.

‘all should be quite simple unless he decides to be awkward (which he will) and if that's the case then it can drag on for years and be much more emotionally costly. I already know all that lol’

And by then he will have drained any savings that are currently 50/50 - maybe tapped into ‘his’ pension that is 50/50 -very likely to have developed an acute or chronic physical health condition which makes you his carer - and that will be harder to divorce from - due to his sofa lifestyle.

In addition your childrens emotional and mental will become even more compromised and at risk due to the toxic home environment and they will have a blueprint for life that you don’t walk away from toxic situations and will settle for a similar life partner.

No need to be instructing solicitors this week - you’ve done a lot already - but make a promise to yourself that this isn’t the rest of your life.

Basically you are at a crossroads and both paths ahead are tough - arguably one is significantly much harder in the short term for immeasurable long term gain - but that can be overcome by research, planning in your emotional and physical support for each step before you set off so that when you take the NEXT step of climbing that mountain you are shored up, have momentum and know the obstacles ahead and how to get over them (bit like ‘Bear Hunt’). Make sure you get yourself physically well and are able to maintain this for the expedition when it starts.

Focus on your goals and create a vision of a beautiful peaceful respectful and rewarding new chapter in your life.

He can mess about with the law and it will cost you both money but he’s not above it - lawyers have seen his type time and time again.

Well done on taking the first and hardest step - it tells me that your mindset has already shifted even if your next step is not yet scheduled. It’s OK to pause, reflect, regroup.

Start the ball rolling now. A solicitor can force the sale of the house. He can be awkward but he can’t avoid a divorce for ever.
Stay strong for your kids, it sounds like they don’t think much of him anyway and will vote with their feet.
Also, I’d have taken the fuse out of the TV plug and planted the sofa in the front garden, let him sit on it there, but I’m mean.

Yes @Greyhound98 … OP you need to start making this man’s life more uncomfortable. Sabotage the TV, get rid of the sofa, do not respond to his demands, do not wait on him. You want him in a position where he actually thinks being on his own might have some upsides.

Do you love him? Is there any way to get him to improve his situation? If not then maybe you have to grasp the nettle. The legal situation is rubbish. Sorry.

Op, could you start the divorce process anyway via gov.uk, borrow the money if you have too, see how he reacts when he receives the email and take if from there, half your house so get some quotes and get it on the market see how he reacts, he needs to know your serious op and you're had enough,

Test his buttons see how far you can go before it gets to the point its going to cost you even more so

I would sell the sofa

I would get unmeshed.

You'll end up his carer into his old age. He'll just fester on that sofa having his arse wiped by nurses you pay for, or he'll refuse nurses and have you doing it. He'll enjoy that too.

I'd separate finances as far as I could while I was there and if I could I'd move out, apply for universal credit, look for work I could enjoy once I was settled.

You future is in your hands. I'd take relative poverty over living with someone who degrades my very being. In fact, I did pick relative poverty over that and I now wake up happy every single day.

Seriously get things going now asap pp said if your H slides into dementia you will be utterly stuck.

Cancel any TV subscriptions so he only has Freeview. I fail to see why he isn't helping out with the school run, if he refuses then get rid of the second car.

Squirrel away every penny you can. You are all existing not living, if this situation continues you will become ill.
Yes he will be difficult but he is anyway.

Start all the preparation for getting the house ready for sale, you won't believe the amount of junk you will find.

I hope you work something out, you and your DC deserve to be happy

Well of course that’s what the solicitor would say. Im not sure what else they could have said OP?
Kindly, it sounds like you were hoping for a magic pain free solution and there simply isn’t one. That shouldn’t deter you from moving inwards though, far from it. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get to puff there AND the harder leaving will get too

I would set fire to it

Before you press the trigger, try to get as much financial paperwork/or details as possible.
its concerning that he has "financial control" from the sofa.

I do agree with pp talk to another solicitor, Also I know its been recommended already but talk to someone like Women's Aid - maybe they can recommend a solicitor you will click with better and they will also have lots of advice about his financial control and about custody arrangements. Esp as you are the bill payer and the main carer.

But it also sounds like you need to start making steps towards this now, as legal wheels grind slow and it sounds like you are yearning for your freedom.

Do you (or he) have family support? Would either of them be helpful, or a hinderance?

Well done for having your appointment. Did you have specific questions to ask the solicitor? What is it you want to know? Perhaps try again and this time deliver your list of questions to them directly so you get the answers you need.

Also, whilst I agree with the above poster who said this is all about your future, I also strongly feel it’s all about your children’s “present”. We all know kids grow up so fast. Before you know it they’ll be grown up and gone off to uni and this will have been their childhood. Please don’t underestimate the impact this WILL be having on them, or the positive impact you leaving him would have on them. You’ve got to stand up for them by not tolerating this. I know you do everything for them and that they love you, but by putting up with this you’re teaching them it’s ok. You are teaching them to devalue you and by extension themselves. They are probably feeling deeply confused as they will deep down know it isn’t right - and as you say they are not close to him - but your actions are saying it’s fine to put up with this from someone.

Itching powder, stink bombs, maggots, prawns in the curtain rail, mess with the radiator, WiFi etc …..plan a slow series of separate sabotaging initiatives to make him very uncomfortable over the coming months.

Alternatively could you encourage lots of his old friends, family and colleagues to drop in individually and stay for hours in the day / over the weekends to visit him unannounced - to shame him out of his lair? Whilst you are out obviously

Goodness, my friend is going through the exact scenario you describe. She didn't take available opportunities to leave her controlling abusive H (mainly because of the hassle of forcing a sale and downsizing aspect) and now he's had a stroke she feels completely trapped, with the rest of her life mapped out as his carer when she doesn't even like him.

It really can happen OP.

Did you give them the go-ahead to make a start?

If that was my husband I would be giving him a kick up the arse and telling him to get his act together and he would appreciate me doing so. It’s gone on far too long, he either is depressed and needs dragging to the drs if he won’t take himself or he’s a lazy arse in need of a reality check. My patience would have worn thin long before now. He’s setting a terrible example to your children.

Having been there, @Hadenough91625- from experience, my recommendation would be to see a mortgage advisor too. They can give you good insight into your borrowing capacity, which will also help your decision-making.

I stuck in a crappy situation for a couple of years while I got into a better position financially.

Ignore the posters who are suggesting tit-for-tat “revenge” or attempts to change him.

Focus on quietly getting your plans in place. Disengage from him - think grey rock. He’s not your problem to solve. Your escape is - and you don’t need the distractions of trying to deal with him, or your energy diverted elsewhere.

OP, are you absolutely sure that your parents wouldn’t be in your corner if you ended your marriage?
I cannot fathom wanting to keep a child of mine trapped in this misery for any amount of money.

Hi op it sounds like your trapped do you know anyone who has been divorced and get a recommendation for a good solicitor yes it’s going to be costly. I would tell him you have seen a solicitor and your starting the ball rolling you can no longer live with a waster and lazy bastard and his mental health is important but so is yours and you can no longer live with a man who has given up on his life and your not getting dragged down with him. You say he will be nasty but he’s not exactly being nice now. Like others say it could get worse can you stay somewhere for some space to show him how his life is going to end up.

I wouldn’t give him a head start by telling him anything. You need your ducks in a row. You need to find out what accounts he has etc so that he can’t empty them.

When you have done all your research, got all your legal system set up and are well briefed on his likely obfuscation and your options and you have lots of emotional support on hand to sustain you over the coming months - it’s only then that you pull the trigger.

Poker face. Get prepared. Get ahead. Detach emotionally because he has depleted you enough. Get out before any physical incapacity traps you - but be ready for faked MH emotional manipulation - threatening a MH crisis etc - if he does this call an ambulance and let the professionals assess / treat him / smoke him out.

Be ready for that old chestnut.

I've been following your thread, and honestly my husband is very similar. Only difference is that he works, but when he's not there he's gaming.
It's like having another child, my teenage dd is so much more mature than him.
Like the poster above I had a wake up call when my dm said to me about having to look after him in his old age. It filled me with absolute dread.
I have started the ball rolling with divorce, and luckily he signed the papers.
Now I have the issue of spitting finances which is where I think it's going to get messy.
He's a very angry person and it has taken me nearly 20 years of marriage to get to this point.
You can do this xx

If your parents pass away he may be entitled to any inheritance.

Your children may not maintain a relationship with you if they grow up feeling that you didn't protect them.

Both are hard choices but one has a rosier outcome for you and your children. You cannot let your parents financial choice make you and the children prisoners.

I would not give him one more day of my life or my energy.