Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

I think some men like the idea of being a father but don't understand or cope with the responsibility of it. They don't realise how little sleep they will get and how little time they will have for themselves. Then they say, oh, I didn't realise it was going to be like this and bugger off. I think this fella is weak, to be honest.

I’ve just read yr last post OP. What struck me is how much he is calling the shots. He wants a divorce, he wants 50/50 care of the baby and he wants you to childmind around his work schedule, you pick up the pieces he can’t/won’t do!. A lot of his wants here!

This 50/50 split with him & his ideas re having the baby sound ludicrous, if this goes to Court, they are not going to give him the luxury to pick & choose which days or constantly changing weeks he has the baby. Little does he realise it won’t be at his convenience. He has a lot to learn.

I really do wish you well, he sounds self-centered and massively immature.

In his mind, he has already left the marriage and is just now telling you. Don’t waste your money on counselling - you will need it for your solicitor. Counselling is his cowardly way of slowly backing away from you and your DC. He is giving you false hope.

My instinct was like most others of course he's got someone else, but actually like a lot of others have picked up on having a child does turn your life upside down and a lot of people can't cope with it.

Do all you can to develop the conviction to walk now OP. This will only get worse.

I split when my DD was 2. It didn’t bother her behaviourally and I can imagine it being a lot harder on her and me emotionally if it happened when she was older. Whilst it might seem better to try and salvage something, listen to the women on this thread. Your odds of that are minuscule.

Set up your family to support you, if you’ve been doing the lions share for your child he can’t have 50:50 that soon, it will need to be built up, and until he reveals his new woman, he won’t have anyone in the wings to help him with that.

Thanks again everyone who’s taken the time to comment. It’s a difficult situation. I know this is a very important detail so apologies for the dripfeed. I just didn’t think it was relevant in my shock and upset yesterday but I have reflected a lot in the night. I have had PPD and only recently began to receive support for it. I would say it peaked around the time we started not getting on, chicken and egg situation. Most of my interactions with him I have been snappy or resentful, and it’s been unusual I would say that he has come home to find me not at the end of my tether after the end of a long day. He has always practically done a lot to try and alleviate this including looking after the house for the first 6 months so I did not have to, meaning he was either working, doing housework and I was still telling him he wasn’t doing something right or enough. It’s nuanced though of course and I wouldn’t say I felt like that out of nowhere? It’s hard to say, though. He recognises it’s been difficult for me but says he never feels like he is able to support me in the right way. Maybe I have been expecting him to be everything to me emotionally, rather than looking within st any point? I am reflecting well now and on here but to him I do become defensive.

PPD is very common, particularly if you’re left alone with your baby a great deal of the time which sounds like it was the case. You probably needed him to be around more than he was.

He also needed to talk to you about this properly. His determination to walk strongly suggests to me that he’s had his head turned by another woman, probably one who makes no emotional demands on him, or at least by the lifestyle of being away from you and your baby. He’s being very selfish and irresponsible.

He wants the counseling in order to try to make this a joint decision so that he does not have to feel like the bad guy.
As BeeCucumber says, don't waste your money on this.
It seems like it is all already very clear in his mind. And he sounds like pretty manipulative, while you are in a vulnerable situation as a new mom who is about to go back to work.
And I honestly think there is another woman. I find it unlikely that he's pushing for 50/50 care of the child to do that all by himself if the child is so small. Most men who are overwhelmed after their first child is born and have not yet found what their new role would simply check out a bit: working more, going out with friends, not doing their share of the work at home. And would at some point, maybe after their wife puts her foot down, reconnect with wife and baby. But this guy is adamant to leave when there is such a small child? Very fishy is you ask me.

BTW if he works a lot, the other woman is someone who is a colleague.

Here is the other thing: men do stay. Even men who are not happy or whose wives are snappish or have PPD. He doesn’t have to choose to bolt and leave his child in what he thinks is a difficult situation.

Perhaps its overdetermined—he has no memories or foundation as his own father abandoned bim. And he clearly is unhappy with his mother. He us adrift and can’t find a mature, adult, father snd husband model to use to understand his own behavior.

I don’t see that you can do anything but let him go. He will follow his programming.

Your first sentence: exactly. Men hate change and love stability. Only if things are really bad will they leave. Their approach to a bad situation is to physically stay but mentally check out. But they won't push for divorce because it means getting out of their comfort zone.
That's why men rarely leave without having another woman in the wings.
It's also the reason why in dating men are in a hurry, often pushy. You have to tell them immediately if you think this could become something. Having 5 dates without you putting out and not wanting to tell him this could be a relationship. He will move on to the next woman who is more eager.
So really unlikely that his man wants to just be on his own with 50/50 child care. It's odd.

Update, I’ve found a condom in his wallet. He doesn’t know how it’s got there, apparently. Isn’t even being kind to me about it or honest - continuing to double down, refusing to engage further and saying our marriage isn’t in a good place. Shocked is not the word

He doesn’t know how it got there?
Does he actually believe that you’re stupid and will just believe his lies?
He’s a cretin!

Shocking but not surprising. I was just reading the thread now and before I saw your latest update was about to comment that there’s likely an other woman.

If he was struggling to cope with supporting you he could’ve sat you down and had a proper discussion . Not just went straight to divorce!

As someone else said he will have found some woman who is singing his praises constantly and not asking for anything emotionally from him to boost his ego. Thats who he has the condoms for.

To suggest he doesn’t know how it got there is just insulting your intelligence!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you @Thepebblesareblue and I hope that whatever happens next you can build and happy and rewarding life for yourself and your baby without this manchild

I see this at work almost daily , it’s a typical way for people who cheat to try and get away from relationships. They find flaws on the partners but the reality is he is seeing someone else or interested in someone else .
Get your ducks in a row , see a solicitor

It's ok OP.

The Tooth Fairy put it there, as Santa tends to start getting busy this time of year.

this is true despite me agreeing upthread about someone waiting in the wings, my (now 8year old) was just three months when his dad had had enough, it's so hard but please believe me you can get through this

Hey OP brace yourself. There’s more to it.

i was in a similar situation. I refused to convince him to stay if he wanted to leave. I started from scratch in but the house was mine. I’m now raising my complex son alone but we are happy together. The counselling comment I’ve heard similar too. He doesn’t really want to go because he knows why, just telling you what he thinks you should hear. I found out mine was cheating for 8months whilst I carried my son.
Stay strong and don’t worry about where he will go etc let him figure it out even if you have to sell up. X

This sounds so familiar- probably happens a lot.
we only hear about couples who fail.
Most just muddle through
I was totally sleep deprived and could have fell out with my own shadow
my dh took the brunt and we fell out
looking back we could have got through it, but neither of us had any real support- we both had lost our own mothers in our teens.
my advice would be to ride it out.
Try and make yourself happy without putting pressure on your dh.
if there is a ow, it’s just a distraction and doesn’t mean anything - bit like comfort eating.

Quite predictable in threads like this one.

1. maybe an affair

2. I think a substantial number of men struggle after the first baby. We ended up in couples therapy 8 months pp. it was worth fighting for. I had a friends dh with a baby with borderline depression recently. He was shocked how many guy friends had experienced similar.

il hoping its the 2nd option and you can work it out if you want to. Editing to say I saw your update. I’m so sorry.

Yeah they always swear there’s no one else and 99% there is someone in the sidelines I guarantee it
just divorce him and start again is my advice as he’s now changed the relationship forever saying this
you’ll likely never trust him again

So sorry, it sounds like you’re better off without him.
As many have said find a good divorce solicitor asap and find out your rights especially as regards money and access to your child.
Be prepared for him to become a man you don’t know anymore especially as regards gaslighting you and being a nasty piece of work.
His family will stick up for him despite what they may tell you.
Stay strong even angry to get the best life for you and your son - don’t believe a word he says, no doubt he’ll want a pity party.

It might not be an affair for a woman but men don’t usually leave unless they have someone already lined up.

First poster nailed it.

I wouldn’t be too concerned he has no support system nearby. If that means he has to pay more CM then so be it.

I presume he only wants 50/50 in name only because then he won’t have to pay CM but knew he would be looking at you to pick up anytime he cant do anything even before I read

He said he would expect us to cooperate with each other in that event and he would just have DS when he wasn’t working

Read that as he wants you to be a full time mum, work 60 hours per week whilst he drifts in and out of your lives whist paying no CM because he wants 50/50 but can’t actually do 50/50

I think for your own sanity you need to take the bull by the horns and file for a divorce otherwise he is stringing you along just incase his affair doesn’t work out.

I think you need to spell it out to him that you won’t be keeping your life on hold because he can’t plan anything because of his job

He has a choice. He pays CM and has DS EOW. But if he can’t do his weekend then he misses that time and pays you more that week or he changes his job.
He has exploded your life and with that there are consequences. You aren’t there to make life easier for him, save him money and help him out.

He needs to realise he has a DS that he needs to step up and look after on a regular basis and no one is going to help him.

He needs to make hard decisions about how practical his job is and the logistics of holding down his job and looking after a child now he wants out of his marriage and to not assume that you will ride to the rescue whenever he clicks his fingers