Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Completely agree.
The sad man child is jealous that the baby is getting OPs attention so he went out beating his chest to attract a new mate.

I hope everything works out for you OP.

In these cases the men are full of talk about parental responsibility until the novelty wears off then you will be solo parenting.

Whilst not excusing your husband in any way , it never fails to amaze me how many women are happy to get involved with a married man who has children . Why ?

hes seeing someone else or someone else in the pipeline. do some research. im so sorry x

I think you said you have friends and family locally OP? If so then reach out to them now, get your support network in full swing.

As others have said do get legal advice (hopefully free), and consider your options.

In my divorce days the child carer (usually the Mum) was allowed to stay in the family home if selling the home meant neither party could afford a new home (I did sell and buy smaller house though). Probably all changed now though.

If you can face it then it doesn't hurt to Google your house value or suitable new properties, sometimes this feels stressful but I found it liberating.

Support network, use it

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this $hi$ OP. It beggars belief.

Some men have a hidden phone.
Some men are very very clever at deletions and covering their tracks.

I really hope there isn’t OW in the background and if not now, I bet there will be very soon. In my experience there usually is. Most responses here bear this out.

Give him what he wants. He’s checked out already. You may be destroyed but shrug your shoulders and say “OK” . See what he does!

By all means you can hope counselling means a turn around and it might for a while but how do you know you won’t be going through this again in the future? How can you emotionally trust him? He should be your protector and safe place right now.

Take legal advice, talk to your family, prepare yourself. I’m so sorry.

A lot of couples break up (meaning the men leave) in the first year of their baby's life and it's because they don't like the change in lifestyle. They like the idea of having a child and they want the child in some respects but they also want someone else to raise said child and not compromise their own comforts in any sense and just see kiddo alternate weekends and be the fun parent. If single, I wouldn't date any man knowing he had done this, especially if he'd actually married the woman beforehand. Shows he's an insincere, fickle person who does whatever he feels like regardless of anyone else.

You're probably better off without him OP. You have the right attitude of being in this for the long haul. So say you divorce, imagine if you said the baby could live with him and see you alternate weekends? Even though that's probably not what you'd want, you could suggest it to him anyway just to see the shock on his face and how quickly he'd back out of the divorce. That'll tell you all you need to know about him.

Another man-baby who can't handle not being the centre of attention now he has got a kid.

Agree with others he's probably having an affair and he's filled her head with lies about how unreasonable his home life is.

You're better off without him.

When he gets ditched by his girlfriend don't let him back.

It could be an affair, but ime, some men are just completely unprepared and thoughtless about what having a baby will mean. I would guess that not being the centre of your attention any more is pissing him off and that is why he is unhappy. I despise men like this - jealous of their own kids.

Well, for a start I guess a lot of those men claim to be divorced?

It’s not necessarily an affair some men don’t like babies and the loss of attention.

Another selfish man who it didn't even occur to that life may actually change once becoming a parent.

What a disgrace of a man, other woman or not, he's a complete disappointment. You'll be well rid of this immature, selfish manchild.

He only claims to want 50/50 so that he won't have to pay you child maintenance.

Get to a solicitor ASAP. You call the shots from here on in, not him.

The 'men' who leave their wives/GFs with babies/in pregnancy really are the scum of the earth.

I rather agree with that: see a solicitor. Find out what your options are. Tell him he will have to go to court to get 50/50 and that you will go through CMS to get what you need to raise his child. Tell him to sell the house (all the work associated with that). Don’t leave if you don’t have to to get support. Stay as long as he pays the mortgage.tell him to move out.

He is going to say he wants fifty fifty because it saves him child support and it makes him look like he cares but for sure he won’t sacrifice work progression to take care of his child. So call his bluff.

This is very odd for him to be saying ? What does he mean exactly? You sound like that you don't communicate at all or he is dictating how you communicate?

He says you criticise him too much? In what way do you "criticise" him..I don't understand.

He jumped straight to divorce?

Not just, “I’m unhappy and need some space” or any other version of that?

A man who jumps straight to talking about divorce usually has someone else already waiting for him.

Thanks everyone, I’ve read all the comments. Could be OW situation but I’m not sure. He has been saying he’s felt unhappy for some months and criticised, I do sometimes feel I know best for baby but I’ve done significant work to adjust that but he still doesn’t think it’s enough, basically, and says I don’t make him happy anymore. I really feel crushed, I think where is the fight for us, our little family? DS is so tiny. He didn’t sit me down and say ‘I want a divorce’ but refused to spend an evening with me on the sofa and told me it would be stringing me along and faking enthusiasm when his heart wasn’t in spending time with me. I pressed for more and he said that he couldn’t see things changing and we are different people. I said this all sounds very final. He said I’m just trying to be honest. I said are you saying you want a divorce and he said ‘that’s where I’m at’. And then went on to say, but we could try couples therapy and see if it gives us a more positive way out of the situation we are stuck in where we are not getting on. I don’t know though, he’s so passive and ‘up to you’

We briefly discussed how it would look for DS in the event of a split. He was keen on 50/50 but does work very long hours and not consistently the same each week, involving lots of travel. He couldn’t ever agree to, say, every other weekend, or every Monday and Tuesday, because of work. He said he would expect us to cooperate with each other in that event and he would just have DS when he wasn’t working. I really think he’s shortsighted and hasn’t thought through how hard that would actually be, with no family support and in a weak financial position (not that they are reasons to stay). Not to mention that arrangement wouldn’t be consistent for DS in the slightest. I have said he’d need to adjust his work and he says he wouldn’t.

I don’t know if it’s some kind of breakdown or what. He had a crap relationship with his own parents, absent dad who left mum when he was a baby 🤨 and is now no contact with MIL. I don’t know if being one is triggering but he does pull his weight with baby related tasks mostly and absolutely dotes on him. We haven’t made time for each other as a couple at all. Been on one ‘date’ in the daytime since baby was born, that’s it.

Back to me, yes I love him despite it all and just wish we could weather the difficult season. We seem to have different mindsets on that. I know I don’t deserve this and if it was anyone else I knew I’d be pretty horrified, but to be the one stuck in it feels impossible and so painful.

So his Dad abandoned him as a baby and now he's doing the same thing. Ok, he sees it differently as he wants 50/50, but he's still walking out on the family home, his wife, whilst his son is a baby. We both know 50/50 won't realistically be feasible.

He's incredibly selfish. Life changes when you have a baby, and the first few years are really tough! To just walk away, without riding out the storm is just unforgiveable. He should have grown up before bringing new life into the world. Selfish man.

I have a different perspective from he’s having an affair. I have a lot of friends with young children, several of whom went through a really tough time relationship wise but none who had an affair.

I have a 10 month old and nothing could have prepared me for how challenging we’ve found it and how much we’ve changed as a result and that’s after being together for a decade and weathering some difficult times like fertility issues.

We’ve had some frank conversations recently about how we both feel and it’s been really helpful in helping us communicate. Ultimately neither of us want to leave which is a bit different from your situation but I’d take him up on his offer to have counselling and try and arrange some time together (I can hardly talk, we haven’t been out together since the baby was born!) and see if that makes any difference.

I’m sorry though, what a horrible shock.

That must be hard for you OP but I think much of the advice you have had is frankly terrible.

I assume you don't want to be a single mum and love your husband. So counselling it is.

I think he is saying he wants a divorce so you take his unhappiness seriously. He is probably completely unprepared for being a dad and maybe hasn't stopped to understand that these tricky early years will pass.

Sure, think about how to protect yourself, but if you both want to find a way forwards, you will. Getting through these types of difficulties is what makes a strong marriage.

OK, so he has no direct model of how married people weather disagreements and difficult times - and any transition is a difficult time. He also sounds unaware of what it actually takes to manage a family and expects you to pick up all the slack so his life can carry on as it was previously. Counselling would be helpful if he would go.

Working long hours, weekends and working away,... I think he has an affair.
Of course he will deny it.
You have to keep a cool head and put a detective on this. If he has indeed an affair, make him bleed financially as much as you can. He abandons you and his kid. He's a jerk! Of course things change when you have a kid, would be weird if they didn't. For mature men this is a fantastic new chapter in their life. An insecure and immature man will look for an escape.

"refused to spend an evening with me on the sofa and told me it would be stringing me along and faking enthusiasm when his heart wasn’t in spending time with me. I pressed for more and he said that he couldn’t see things changing and we are different people. I said this all sounds very final. He said I’m just trying to be honest."
Oh this sounds very much like there is an OW in the wings.
Hire a detective.

I don’t think other woman - I think unprepared for how much a woman becomes selfless for someone else when they have a baby and he resents not being the centre of your universe….You could try counselling but also have solo counselling… if you can afford to. To make sure you deal with this heartbreak and upset as personally I would find it hard to come back from this and pretend to be happy families.

Also knock the idea he will have the baby whenever he isn’t working on the head… it means you and the child could never make plans together or apart as dad could call and say free now…. No way would I deal with that!

Also really important for children to have a routine they know so ad hoc seeing dad is bad for the child so I think you need to protect your child and but a stop to that talk.

My ex said all the exact same things… we were different people, I was too critical blah blah blah. They could at least be original. He also worked away a lot. There was of course another women.

Im really sorry. Some men just are so unbelievably selfish.

He really is unconsciously (perhaps) repeating his own childhood trauma of the abandoning father. He us also scapegoating you or holding you accountable for being left in the position of his own mother, a single mother, from whom he is estranged.

I don’t think there is any way back. This is some deep pathology. I wonder if it was specifically triggered by your having a son? Perhaps a daughter would have let him break the cycle but he must be so jealous of his son getting your attention and so unprepared to father him/himself.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all opt out of our responsibilities?

I'm sorry, OP, he's being a complete twat.