Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

He’s going to have to pay you child support.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Personally, I'd get legal advice and cut your losses. Ask your family for logistical support for you and the baby.

He won't have the baby 50% of the time; he doesn't have the support system in place for it. You do. Don't enable him to say he has it and then leave the baby with you or your family on 'his' time. Suspect he just doesn't want to pay his fair share of support.

Sadly agree with this too

Im so sorry this is happening to you OP. Did he have an idea of how hard the baby stage can be on relationships before the baby arrived? Or was he completely oblivious and thinks this isnt normal?

My sister went to counselling when her husband wanted to split when she was pregnant with their second. She didn't know at the time he was having an affair. He used the counselling to criticise her to justify the split.

I’m sorry op.

It will be ok. I’m a single mum of two children and we have a good life. It is hard work but it’s worth it and my children and I are so close.

You will make it work because you have to. My advice would be to go back to work as planned and see how things pan out.

You will get through this.

I agree

, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising.
What on earth does he think you do? He's a new parent, of course he needs to compromise.

He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away
Are you sure he's working all that time?
he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to.
He wants to not pay maintenance.
He'll have the baby if there's a 'nanny with a fanny' on hand.

My OH and I had an argument over exactly the same thing. He came to me when I was on mat leave and said “I think DD needs some new vests” and I explained to him that as I was about to go back to work he would have to ditch this habit of just informing me of such things SO THAT I CAN DO IT and go to the supermarket and GET SOME VESTS like the fully functioning capable adult he is.

So he got the vests and apologised but explained that he felt a bit nervous about getting things because I could be a bit particular about things for the baby. And I accepted that I was sometimes being a bit controlling and apologised and learned to stop doing that. And now we work together as a team.

The flip side to your argument is that op asked him about vests and he said that makes him so unhappy he wants a divorce! How is that remotely reasonable. Unless he’s having some sort of actual breakdown this is totally unacceptable and unreasonable behaviour.

It comes across that you're not particularly upset that he wants to end your relationship and that your concern is more with logistics and how hard it might be to make a split work with your son's best interests in mind. You're not happy living and parenting with him either but he's the one willing to make the call.
If you had a good relationship before DS showed up, I'd give therapy a shot. There's every chance it could open up communication and you could get back to the way things were before.

The counselling is a red herring. He is seeing someone else. They don't leave without someone to go to. The counselling is supposed to help you split, without him being the bad guy. Ask me how I know.

Follow the practical financial advice outlined by other posters. I was crap at that, but luckily we had no kids. I just had to suck up the losses. I don't advise that. Take him to the cleaners.

Sorry, this is really shit for you.
I would say that we found becoming parents really hard. I definitely changed, my whole personality pretty much overnight. DH seemed to be attempting to retain his personality and life for years. Its taken him about 10 years to catch up. Its been a journey with both of us wanting desparately to throw in the towel many times. One thing that persisted was that we desperatley loved each other and wanted it to work out and neither of us wanted to be the weekend parent or spend time away from the children. This remains central to any issues we have, and we still have them come up as they do in a long term relationship.
I think you need to establish if he still loves you and there is noone else. If yes, then you can actually work through this. If no, then its better to split as soon as possible and rebuild your life.

Maybe I'm reading a bit too much into it but even though he's suggested counselling it seems as if he's given up already. Rather than really wanting to give it a go, it could be a way to make him look not so bad for walking out on his wife and baby.
I don't know about the affair but he doesn't seem concerned about where he will go.
It sounds to me he's checked out because he's decided by leaving he can dip in and out when he wants without all the hardships of having a baby like the lack of sleep. Unfortunately he sounds happy just to leave you to and I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to fight for our family. This stage is temporary and yet he's propositioned something permanent.

I’m so sorry op.
The first year of parenthood you really are more like roommates. It’s a struggle but it’s something that’s does eventually pass with time and communication.
He’s an absolute shit for giving up and trying to put the blame on you.

There’s a rule that you don’t talk about your relationship ending / divorce in the first year of baby because it’s such a turbulent and changing time. If he hasn’t had an affair or had his head turned, then he needs to grow up and work on fixing things. But I know where I’d place my bets…

FWIW, when DS was a few months old I used to get angry at DH for even breathing. Now we’re fine - he’s over a year, he sleeps, we have our family days, it changes for the better!

Focus on what you can do and what you need to do, OP.
Have you told your supportive family what husband wants?
Odds are that you need their emotional and practical support now.

You can't make him be a better husband.

Your child is your priority now.
How can you make the separation and likely divorce as smooth as possible, for your own sanity and for sake of your baby who deserves lots of loving adults in their life. You having a steady job means financial security, you not investing energy into resenting your husband would benefit your sanity which also benefits your child.

Sell the house... houses are just temporary places we live.

OP, if he is willing to attend counselling, then do that. At least you will know that you tried everything, even if it doesn't work out. Having a baby does change everything as you move from being individuals to being parents. Life does change.

If he wasn't shit then you wouldn't need to criticise him 🤷 (and I can guarantee your not actually criticising but begging for him to do even the tiniest little thing and he's decided to twist)

Honestly OP there'll be someone else and he's trying to make you the bad guy. Walk away and keep your head held high. Make sure you get a CMS claim in ASAP as well

Please do nothing with regards to the house and job until you have had legal advice. It may be that you are entitled to stay in the family home until little one is 18 AND work part time still as that was the planned agreement you had. He will need to pay maintenance to you, most likely based on your current circumstances.
I went through similar, panicked, upped my work hours to full time, sold the house and purchased a really small property within my means. My exDH purchased a huge great 5 bed property then said he was too poor to pay maintenance and he got away with it as I had upped my working hours and lowered my outgoings with a small house so I was financially ok.The solicitor said I should have stayed in the marital home and on the agreed hours I was working when married. The upshot is my children are now 20 and tell me the divorce was far harder for them as they never saw me as I was at work all the time 😞

The counselling is bullshit, he's having an affair. He's willing to go (heavily caveated in advance with "I don't think it will change anything") because he hopes the sessions will prove it's over without him having to be the bad guy.

Practicaly, ask Dr. to sign you off work once Mat leave ends.

As for him, there will be someone else, men generally don't want to be on their own with no sex and having to look after themselves. Suggest he moves out and start divorce proceedings.

Definitely someone else or the promise of someone else.

Your DH is a coward and a shit person.

Don't bother trying to salvage your marriage. If you have family support use it. Start fresh.

Lots of men want to father children, but a lot don't want to be fathers.

I think he's had a little taste of family life & parenting, and he's decided it's not for him and is now removing himself from your marriage.

In your shoes I'd be questioning if he really does work the long hours (and weekend) as you say. He might have been using that time visiting someone else I'm afraid, or simply living his life as a single man.

I'd argee to the relationship counselling in the short term. At worst it will improve your communication for future coparenting and buy you a bot of time. I don't think you have anything to lose by doing it.

Realistically, he is unhappy that you aren't giving him all the attention. He wants a kid buy without the added labour or effort. He's only seeing why it's hard for him. He's not seeing how your life has changed of the compromises you've made. He's being selfish and self centred.

I wouldn't worry about 50:50. I don't believe he will want to take on the labour involved. However, if its what he wants then let him have it in its true sense. You have set days, and on his days, everything is his responsibility sickness, holidays, clothes, laundry, food, everything. You don't pick up the pieces and cover for him.
He has Mon, Tues
You have Wed, Thurs
Alternate Fri, Sat and Sun
His work schedule is his problem and the same way you arrange childcare around your work he'll have to do that.

Realistically, I think he's failed as a partner and a father at the first hurdle. The first year is hard and he wants to bail already. Your life has changed a lot more than his.

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't another woman waiting in the wings.

Call his bluff and tend for divorce