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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

513 replies

Thepebblesareblue · 27/09/2025 09:00

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

OP posts:

Washingupdone · 03/10/2025 16:41

Don’t leave your home. Occupy your time by getting an appointment with a solicitor without him knowing, so you can understand where you stand. Do not listen to him at all.

VenusClapTrap · 03/10/2025 18:04

Stand your ground. He’s trying to make things as uncomfortable as possible for you so that you are the one who moves out. Do not do it.

As everyone else has said, talk to a solicitor without any further delay. You cannot afford to procrastinate on this.

3luckystars · 03/10/2025 18:42

Do not leave your house.

Not even for one night.

Tell him to move into another bedroom and set himself up in a separate area, and please please please please seek legal advice.

in the meantime DO NOT MOVE OUT.

not even for one night. Do not do anything.

not for you but for your child. You are fighting for your son here and you want to get the best life for him. STAY IN YOUR HOME!

GET LEGAL ADVICE because your husband already has.

3luckystars · 03/10/2025 18:45

Call the Employee Assistance programme and ask for legal advice about your next steps. They can give you brief bullet points on what to do regarding family law but

YOU NEED A SOLICITOR

3luckystars · 03/10/2025 18:48

Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 15:04

Thanks everyone, lots to think about. We both own the house we bought it together

Past tense. If you move out and in with your parents to try and smooth this separation process along for your husband, how will you feel if he moves his girlfriend into your home and refuses to sell for years, dragging his heels while you and your child live in a spare bedroom out of a suitcase in your parents house.

You are not fighting for yourself but your child now.

I know, even by the way you are posting that you have smoothed every step of the way for your husband since you met him. You have to stop now, he has met someone else. You have to prioritise your child, not your husbands comfort.

FinancesSorted · 03/10/2025 19:12

LittleOwl153 · 03/10/2025 12:30

We briefly discussed how it would look for DS in the event of a split. He was keen on 50/50..... He said he would expect us to cooperate with each other in that event and he would just have DS when he wasn’t working.

This tells me all we need to know about how amicable he is going to be. He expects you to drop everything and work around his demands. He isn't going to manage 50/50 or anything close unless there is a dotting granny in the background who he plans to hand the child to. Make sure he knows 50/50 means 50% of the nursery bill, 50% of the sick days everything. Not just swanning in on holidays demanding his time when it suits him to prevent him from paying child support. Ask him for a schedule, make sure you have at least half the weekends and down time he isn't entitled to take all of those just because of his work - especially as you too will need to work to survive.

Be strong.

Absolutely this @Thepebblesareblue its his baby too so he needs to fund half the nursery care. I am forever gobsmacked that it is females who have to sacrifice everything and trash their own financial future and people seem to expect and accept it. 50 / 50

Daaaaahling · 03/10/2025 20:00

Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 13:47

He is refusing to leave the house saying it’s his house too and he wants to be there for baby. We are able to live with my parents indefinitely. Are there any repercussions for taking this option? I’m going to think it over this weekend, but unsure of what is best.

I suggest that in the short term you ask one of your parents to stay with you in the house. They will of course have extremely hostile feelings towards him for being a piece of shit cheating bastard, and are in any case, naturally your ally. It will be more difficult for him to gaslight you in the presence of an ally, and he may feel uncomfortable enough that he chooses to leave. Use his lack of a support network against him. His chief ally is the OW and he's at the disadvantage of having to pretend she doesn't exist.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 03/10/2025 20:26

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you @Thepebblesareblue… I’m sorry, but he’s having an affair or one is on the cards. Life with a small baby is compromise and not very sexy; if you were entirely committed to your partner and family you’d realise that it’s temporary. It’s fucking bleak but long term you’ll be much better off without this man-child.

Sassylovesbooks · 04/10/2025 08:08

Seek legal advice ASAP. Do not move out of your home. You can't force him to move out, no more than he can force you - it's jointly owned. Your priority is your baby, not smoothing the way for your husband to have an easy life. The most important point to remember going forward - your husband is no longer on your team. He's disengaged from you and no longer has your interests at heart. Don't tell him your plans, 'grey rock' him, stop cooking/laundry etc for him too. He doesn't want to be with you, then let him see the reality of that....no clean clothes, no meals made for him etc. You are going to have to be strong for your child's sake. At the moment you are in shock, and upset but the anger will kick in. Channel that anger into solicitors appointments, and getting yourself out of this marriage.

FairKoala · 04/10/2025 09:04

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 13:54

And he’s already said he wouldn’t want to change working pattern or anything and would expect us to accommodate that even though it chops and changes. He doesn’t understand that it’s not consistent and children need consistency. I am still breastfeeding, too.

There is no “US” he means “YOU” will accommodate his working patterns.

He needs to do 50/50 or actually be realistic on what he can do and pay accordingly.
Even if that means he only has 1 day per month and will need to pay accordingly

JFDIYOLO · 04/10/2025 10:57

How is your house set up? As in, how many bedrooms? Are you still sharing a room/bed?

If you can, ask him to move into another room as a first step.

And hopefully you are not consenting to sex with him in the hope that will bring him back. It won't, it will just position you as something to use.

And if you are - rock solid contraception is essential. Another pregnancy will not bring him back and will double the stresses and his resentment - leaving you holding the baby AND the toddler alone a year or so on.

As you've noticed, he is not your friend, or your loving partner any more. That guy's gone now, even though the body is still currently living there wearing his face.

Do you have that solicitor appointment yet? He is making his plots and plans - don't get left behind or backed into a corner because you weren't prepared.

Sadly this man is a wrongun - think of him as coming from bad stock. His father abandoned his mother and him and he's repeating that pattern as he knows no better. Being NC with his mother is also very sad - but it suggests a totally dysfunctional family.

You're going to have to be the tiger mama when you feel most vulnerable, and end this toxic family pattern with the support you and your own family give your child.

I agree if a family member can come to stay so you aren't alone and have backup that could be helpful.

FakeItUntilIMakeIt · 04/10/2025 11:10

Collect all of you paperwork and his paperwork urgently (and make copies). Then go and see a solicitor pronto. Tell your parents what has happened. Then store all of the documents and precious momentos at you parents house. Do not stay overnight anywhere until you have seen a solicitor.

Enough4me · 04/10/2025 11:27

Hard truths, he is now your enemy not your friend. He wants you to facilitate his new life where he's a part-time Disney dad and part time off sleeping around with new girlfriends as he likes. He wants to use you; your life and needs mean nothing to him.

Be civil and put your child's needs first. Don't say yes or no to anything he says. Get legal advice and really listen to your options and consider the longer term. It is not practical for him to have 50.50 of a baby unless he is able to meet a baby's needs. You don't have to tell him this but continue with the reality of you having your baby and when it gets to court (down the line) your solicitor can ask him what days he can meet your child's needs. It can't be random days if you say you will also need to apply to work and your child needs routine.

Can one of your parents move in or spend time helping you in the house?

MikeRafone · 04/10/2025 13:32

He expects you to drop everything and work around his demands.

just like when you were married...

but they forget they are leaving and whilst you'll facilitate a relationship with his child - you'll not be at his beck and call as he moved the goal posts and you need to work round them to live your own life - put food on the table, work, have a new relationship, pay into a pension.

Its the audacity they think they can leave a marriage and you still do the work of their wife as you've been doing all along

whilst you detangle the relationship to make a working together but apart family

your loyalty is with your dc and yourself first - he actually doesn't factor in the list any longer

CaseStudyResearch · 06/10/2025 14:26

I hope you’re ok OP, and getting practical and emotional support.

Pessismistic · 06/10/2025 18:51

Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 13:47

Hi op if you go to your parents he can’t be there for baby so he’s not getting his own way. you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to but neither does he unfortunately but if he had any respect for you he would but he’s an absolute disgrace. Best to decide if you want your sanity and space to process everything with love and support from your parents and the house will have to be sold at some point. Might make him realise what he’s going to lose if you go now.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/10/2025 23:47

See a family law solicitor. Until you do and you know your options, you are defenceless. Get your parents to support you by staying with you at this time if possible.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/10/2025 11:17

I’d go to your parents. He thinks he’s the boss of you, and you will continue to be a wife and flex around his job and do what he says. Find your anger, Go and leave him to look after himself, tell him you will be seeing about getting the house sold unless he has a concrete offer to buy you out on the table.

MiniCooperLover · 07/10/2025 12:28

Please DO NOT go to your parents. Read the thread of another poster on here whose husband got her kicked out of their home even though she is the legal owner of it! Do not leave the house, move into a spare room (I'm guessing you already have), make that cozy, do not interact until you have to, grey rock him. Focus on the baby but do not leave that house!

ShyLilacBiscuit · 07/10/2025 15:08

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Just as another perspective, men do get postnatal depression. Is that something worth exploring? Just with what you said about how he feels he cant make you happy. Having a baby changes so much in your life, it can be really tough to navigate those first years. Sending you all my best wishes x

CaseStudyResearch · 07/10/2025 15:49

ShyLilacBiscuit · 07/10/2025 15:08

Could be, but he’s also been shagging someone else, which isn’t helping anyone.

Longjongold · 07/10/2025 15:55

MiniCooperLover · 07/10/2025 12:28

Do you have a link to that thread?

toottoot3 · 07/10/2025 16:38

I'm so sorry for you, it must be horrible just now.
But! Don't hang around, don't accommodate him and his shifts. Ask him how he sees 50/50 happening, day/week about, don't let him derail you or say you have to compromise, your splitting up! Work out a pattern, (sort big holidays) don't discuss his shifts, it's not your problem, he needs childcare in his 50/50, he sorts it out, step back. I know you don't want to leave your kid, but it really won't last long (or work amazing!) the more you assist the harder it will be for you. What's his compromise? Your told relationship is over, your moving out (probably best, if you can go somewhere safe and comfortable, he then has to sell up split money ect. Do t give him power over your life anymore. Don't hide what's happening, tell everyone honestly what's happening, you found a condom but he has no idea how it got there........

Boomer55 · 07/10/2025 16:51

It might not be an affair, but he shoukd have made sure he was committed before you both produced a child.🙄

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 18:48

He already had someone lined up, just get on with your and your child’s life, you don’t need to be with someone who died t want to be around you.

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