Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

So sorry. You need to get legal advice asap.

Have a look on the entitledto website to see if you would get any financial assistance. Child maintenance isn’t usually considered as income for benefits purposes. He will have to pay you approximately 15% of his net pay.

Counselling might help you to co parent effectively after the separation.

He probably does have OW lined up.

Hw might think that while he decides on his next steps you will play the ‘pick me game’, return to your job, do the vast majority of parenting (including on working days) while he works long hours, spends a lot of time out of the household and does little parenting.

I'd be sorely tempted to say you understand and you will leave for a couple of weeks to let him sort his head out, but leave the baby with him so they can bond properly before he walks out for good. Because it's not your marriage he's walking out on, it's the grown up responsibility of being a father. Not saying I would actually do it, just make the point that what he wants out of is the drudgery and Groundhog Day of young children.

I wish men who try to leave a marriage while there are children under school-age got fined a vast sum of money Or had to have their foreheads tattooed with 'spineless, selfish tosser'.

Also, lose the word “help” from your vocabulary. I didn’t understand that until I joined MN. It suggests that it’s basically your job to parent and any support he offers is optional. It’s equally his job to parent your son when he’s home. That’s what decent working parents of children do - at home their focus is their children.

I agree with this so much, very well put. I would question the "men" who stay what amount of them actually fully participate in the day to day of bringing up their kids, or are the Mum's just carrying them?
So sorry OP your in this situation, lots of us have been and send you 💕

What sort of useless man leaves a mother and his 9 month old baby.

I know this is horrendous for you at the moment, but you will be so much better off without him.

How was he when you were pregnant, OP? Was he desperate to be a father and did he take on board the extra work and responsibilities that would be coming his way? Or did he just nod and smile his way through it?

Unfortunately, having a baby is a bomb in any relationship and if either partner wasn't entirely in, then it can be the last straw. Your DH sounds as if he's found the whole thing, you being tied up with baby, baby's demands, lack of sleep etc a bit much and I'd take any bets on him having looked elsewhere because he felt 'left out'.

And be prepared for him never to see either you or the baby again. People can try with the 'he'll have to have them 50% of the time' but honestly? Men like this can run for the border and never take their child at all. So do be prepared for this too.

The first year is hard with a first especially, me and my DP almost split up we found it rough for the first 2 years tbh. He's now 5 and we have a 8 month old , it's much better this time I think he's gotten less selfish and now understands he was bit of a twat hes great with the baby , and we know this is just a phase now and we are so much better than first time.

But God the first year was hard (we were also in lockdown ), but I've got friends who almost split in that first year as well. Maybe it's not an affair, most men are selfish .

Either was im so sorry it must be awful for you , at least you have lots on family close by x

I’m sorry op, what a shitty situation and what a man-child twat you are married to. Whether there’s an OW or not (and I too think it’s likely), you need to take your control of this situation don’t let him dictate it. It’s likely you will need to work more hours, and probably sell up and split things for going forward. Get prepared - no, this is not what you wanted, but it’s what you are dealing with, and you need to be strong. Get legal advice, and lean on family and friends for support. There are many women here too who have been where you are, and can offer advice.

This post has really made me think,as mothers of sons let's do more to educate them to see the reality of having a pregnant partner, and going on to take their responsibility as a father to be present ,supportive and contribute fully financially, practically and emotionally. Having been through all this shit myself and seeing my daughter going through it , it's just so easy, or so it seems, for men to just shrug and walk away....often to repeat it all again.

He is a pathetic spoilt brat who doesn't want to play second fiddle to a baby.
He is not a man.
Dump him and don't look back.

Wow. I mean sure parenting is really hard especially in the early years and I think it must put a strain on even the best of relationships (I know it did in mine). But having had a child together you have to find a way to get through that. Unless of course you are just an utterly selfish and pathetic man child and decide you’ll just… not bother.

He’s clearly not cut out to be a father.

in practical terms I would try and delay yoyr return to maternity leave if you can and try and come up with a plan. Meantime I’d ask him to leave but tell him to put together his proposals for the co-parenting and maintenance.

100% affair. Are you sure he's 'working away' especially at weekends?

I agree with this. The birth of dc1 really challenged our marriage and I didn't think we'd survive it. No affair on either side, we just really struggled with each other and parenthood.

Funnily enough, returning to work after mat leave really improved things. I got my old self back, DS got into a settled routine, and DH and I started communicating more. Our marriage luckily survived. Hopefully yours will too. The fact that your husband is talking about counseling suggests he wants it to.

So he’s projecting all his insecurities on to you and gaslighting you.
honestly!! You will live a happier life without him, you won’t realise it for a while but you will.
be completely honest with your friends and family about what’s going on so they can support you.
id also ask for compassionate leave from work given the circumstances
my ex husband did similar when our youngest was 16 months old, I would have put money on him not having someone else, months later found messages to his work colleague telling her he loved her
please please please please please prioritise taking care of yourself and not getting wrapped up in his shit, you need to be well for your baby. In your shoes if I was brave enough I’d move in with your family now and take the power back rather than staying in his toxic company
best of luck, this is really hard stuff, don’t let it steal your joy xx

Your H is basically saying he doesn’t like it now you have a baby and that he is not your number one priority as the baby is. He also doesn’t like it that you want him to actually parent his child. When you go back to work there will be more pressure on him to parent and do some housework. There is zero chance that he will actually go through with 50/50 if he is reluctant to do any parenting at all presently and he still works long hours and works away. He’s only saying this as he think it will mean you will get less in any divorce settlement and he doesnt have to pay CM. .

My advice is : -
a) Go back to work
b) Get copies of his payslips, pension documents and all his financial information.
c) Tell your parents what is going on so that they are ready to support you.
d) Use a benefits calculator to find out what UC you may be entitled to.

Even if he isn't having an affair and hes having some kind of breakdown I would find this hard to forgive. It would always be in the back of your mind that instead of supporting you (when hes hardly at home so is hardly doing loads of parenting) he decided to chicken out and ruined your first few months with your child. As you have family around you who could support you, Id move on and try and co parent as amicably as possible, and get him to pay his child support. He may live to regret it but that's his lookout.

So the truth has hurt him and instead of doing better, he's leaving. Not the sort of man or father worth your tears.
You will get through this, you're in shock right now and soon will come anger at what he's done to your family.
Lean on the support you have. Go to counselling with him as it might help him see his role in all this.

I guarantee it’s the natural change that does happen since baby came along, and he doesn’t like it. Hes being immature and not realising life changes dramatically when you have a child, you can’t be fancy free and go out as and when, have sex all the time etc etc. hes now not your centre of attention and doesn’t like it, and instead of cracking on and working as a team I can bet you do the majority of all chores, childcare and life admin, and he still gets to do his hobbies etc as before but you don’t.

Agree with this, he's saying it's not you it's me to soften the blow. Making himself the bad guy means that you will be happier if he left.
In reality, he wants a quick exit doesn't want you to feel bad about it because he was the problem and wasn't enough for you and your baby. There might well be someone else who doesn't have the broken nights and the ties a family brimgs with it.
He's a selfish twat which evet way you look at it. Get yourself organised to move forward as a single parent. H
He'll probably blame depression and the usual excuses then the gf will pop out of the wood work in a few weeks and the 'depression' suddenly gone.

Well it made me chuckle to read that your DH thinks he is the one always compromising which I highly doubt!
I’ve been married 15 years and when we had our DD it was tough. We both had to adapt and experienced it in different ways as while we were both parents our roles were different in some ways. Sleep deprivation is a killer (certainly for me). You cannot do the things you used to do and have the weight of responsibility of keeping a little one alive. You’ve no idea what you’re doing as everyone has to just learn on the job. Finances are stretched. It’s difficult to even think about couple time. It’s a slog but so worth it when you come out the other end. The thing I learnt is you have to communicate honestly and kindly with each other (easier said than done sometimes) really hear each other and then find ways to support each other. This goes both ways. When you’re knackered all that sometimes goes. If he’s not able to do that or won’t, then sadly you might need to consider other options. But I have to say the tough times are when you really see what someone’s all about. It doesn’t mean things are easy but their character in pushing through and evolving shines through. Good luck.

@Cinaferna , you are a woman and a mother, so your situation doesn't compare. It looks like OP's DH is opting out of fatherhood, and men tend to leave one woman for another woman.

That was my first thought.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, OP, and I hope you can work through it. The first year or two of parenthood is tough.

But does he really need to be involved in choosing clothes for your baby and in my experience, especially if they work long hours or weekends, men aren't necessarily as invested in birthday planning for very young children as some mums are.

(You have given these as examples of some of the things he is has said he is unhappy about. )

If he is considering counselling, I don't think he is having an affair.

What could be possible is that you criticise him for things that are genuinely a difference of opinion. I'm going to go with the examples you set to give some examples of my own.

Clothes - when you say he isn't interested or doesn't contribute, could the truth be closer to the fact that he just doesn't see the joy in Clothes shopping generally. I love dressing up my kids, not going to lie, but I also realise that it isn't something that people take the frivolous joy that I take in it. That doesn't make them an inferior parent.

Same with birthdays. A lot of people don't bother with big celebrations for babies and maybe you assumed that you just would as a couple.