Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Grrrrrrr.....I am SO FUCKING SICK of men doing this to the women who bore their children.

Oh, so Pookie wants a divorce, does he? A nice wife and perfect new baby not good enough for Mr. Princeling?

Give that bastard the shock of his pathetic life and calmly tell him you'd been thinking the same thing, and when does he think he'll be able to move out?

Can someone please send OP The Script? I don't know where to find it.

OP, this is a well-worn path and all men who do this act exactly the same. We call it The Script.

Sorry OP, this must be very hard as a new mum and on your DD. Your DH is thinking of himself. Has he always been selfish? I think you are fortunate to have family support. I would contact work and explain you may need a bit more time before returning (maybe wait till new year and you have a bit of time to process all this with family support to help with the admin like the finances and childcare).

My DC is 3. What family doesn’t know is that DH and I talked of separation at least three times, mainly in the first year. It took work from both of us to be where we are at now. I wouldn’t re-live that first year though if someone paid me a million dollars.

I think things are heightened now and you may need to both take a few days to have a breather and come back to it.

I am very sorry this is happening to you. Be strong, don’t let on you have found the condom etc. Tomorrow phone round to find a solicitor you like the sound of and book an appointment, without his knowledge . I believe they give half an hour free advice. Find all the papers dealing with money, pay, housing etc and take copies. Take copies of messages and note down discussions. The solicitor will advise you regarding your rights, until then don’t agree to anything.
Get your ducks in a row and be prepared.
I know it’s hard but look after yourself and keep your dignity.

He's definitely cheating. Please don't chase him, it won't help at all. For the sake of your baby, chin up and get on with your life. Do see a counsellor though to get through the grief, pain and anger he has chosen to cause you.

This.

I would see if you could go back full time instead of part time. Baby can go to nursery like millions of other babies. Tell him he'll have to pay half of childcare. Make him see he'll still have financial responsibility for baby even if he leaves. In the end whether he has OW or not will make no difference. At least you have family support. Let them help you. I'd tell him you want to put the house up for sale immediately. In meanwhile if you moved back to your parents would he pay mortgage if he stayed there? If not ask him to leave and put house with EA to rent out. You need to tell mortgage lender but they always give permission. Make him pay half childcare. Be firm on that. Plus if baby comes with you until divorce look up CMS calculator to find out what he needs to pay.

Again. He is definitely 100% definitely. Cheating.

There is no coming back from this, please do NOT try. Get legal advice, get a counsellor for the trauma and suffering he is causing you, get your affairs in order, get rid of him

Please, if you need to, prioritise a health check for yourself. You don't know what he's been up to. Could be nothing, could be an affair or even worse, could be visiting prostitutes when he's out of town. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

He had better prepare himself. Never forget being in the hairdressers when an elderly lady was saying that her grandson had walked out on his long term gf and their small baby. Every woman in there of every age and class including his own grandmother agreed what a bastard he was.

He’s a pathetic man baby that can’t cope with longer being the center of attention. He needs to grow the fuck up. I’d call his bluff and go to your family for a few weeks and have no contact with him other than letting him see baby at weekend, but don’t be there, see if your family can help facilitate so this pathetic idiot actually feels the weight of what he’s said.
I actually don’t think affair and am hoping it’s not OP. I’ve seen way more grown men pitch a fit when they are no longer the center of it all.

Right, I have literally been where you are and this is what you need to know.

The sooner you face reality the better - don’t get too bogged down in the truth of the affair thing - it’s highly likely, but even if he isn’t he has let you down at the very moment he needed to step up. I know it’s a huge shock and my heart hurts for you but I also know you can get through this.

Legally you’re in a strong position as the primary carer of the child with a part-time working arrangement - in your position I would seek to maintain that (ie the expectation you would have had in terms of working / parenting division) and he will have to pay CM to make up the difference. Someone who works the hours it sounds like he does is probably a reasonably high earner? He can choose to do this but it will cost him. Keep the family home yourself if you can. Work p/t, get all the help you can from family. Don’t even entertain 50:50 - he won’t do it and it will reduce the CM he gives, which you need and deserve.

start thinking more selfishly, the team is you and your DS now. Being a single parent is possible and it can even be joyful. Best case scenario, you go back to work, get into a groove living with your DS and you’ll get occasional breaks when your ex sees him.
Realistically with his working pattern you are the resident parent - get that recognised legally.

Good luck . I’ve lived this exact scenario, I swore there couldn’t be another woman - there was. Two years later she left him and my ex apologised to me - it was way too little too late. He now sees our kids EOW. Classic Disney dad, not a bad person but couldn’t hack the selflessness of family life. Me she the kids are absolutely fine. You will be too. X

Just saw your update and what a disgusting idiot he is. So sorry OP. I think previous advice of going back full time so you’re not subsidizing his new life whilst earning less is a good idea.

I'd call his family and tell them that he wants a divorce because he wants to sleep around. They might as well know that he keeps a condom in his wallet in case an opportunity presented itself.

Do this before he presents you as the mad, sleep deprived wife suffering from PND to his family. He had no choice, but to sleep with another woman & abandon his newborn baby; it was unbearable for him. Blah, blah, blah.

Get in first & announce your split to family, friends & over socials in the middle of the night on a week day so he wakes up to the shock of his life. Also, book a solicitors appointment for 9:30am that same day so he has no room to back track because he has to go to work & then hang him out to dry. Let people know that he's abandoned his post partum wife & new born baby for another woman. He'll definitely be a catch then.

My husband and I were basically at war for the first 2 years of DD’s life. A baby can really strain any relationship. He’s running away because it’s hard, some men are just a bit pathetic tbh. I’m bot sure that you can realistically stay together if he wants out. You could go with the counselling and see what happens.

I have read your posts, and have you asked yourself what would you really be fighting for. Outside of some significant mental health issues (which are always possible), he isn't treating you with respect by telling you the truth.

Affair or not it doesn’t sound like he’s invested in the household - if you don’t ‘put into’ life you don’t get anything out. His head (possibly other bits) have moved away…. 😞

@Thepebblesareblue
What makes me really sad here is that in one of your posts here, you are blaming yourself for going through what the vast majority of mothers go through with a newborn. It is HARD and - for some reason- no one ever tells you how hard it is. I don’t know if it’s ingrained in society that women should keep silent about their pain and struggles. You come out of hospital, having been through - in many cases - a painful birth and then you have no sleep, a very needy baby and - in many cases - a partner whose life pretty much carries on as normal, while your patience is tested to the core - and you lose your freedom.

This is not NOT NOT your fault.

I personally would not engage any further and grey rock this man, and gather all the information you can to protect yourself. Do not leave - that should be on him.
Good financial advice. Please realise that YOU have been wronged and you are in no way to blame - despite anything he says. But don’t engage or give him the opportunity to gaslight you further. He knows he has done something incredibly bad, he knows how this will make him look to his family - so he will try to make you look like the bad person. Don’t engage with this. Your best weapon is silence.

If he's not having an affair then he's a coward who is bailing or jealous of the baby.

Dh and I were together ten years before ds1 was born. We have no family around and it was during COVID and we were pushed to the edge the first year. Our dynamic had completely changed, both were exhausted and run down. But we knew we loved each other and this was temporary (even though there were times we took out all our frustrations on each other).

Real men stay. They work through the hard bits together with their spouse. Marriage isn't always rainbows and sunshine, there are ups and downs. I'm sorry, op, to not even try and to just bail straight away shows what kind of person he is.

It doesn't matter if he's cheating it matters that he is not there for you and your son. Stop asking him for anything, sort out childcare go back to work then make a list. Housing finances solicitors etc get your mum dad or sister to help. Tell everyone you are separated and start to rebuild your life. Work through the list but don't focus on doing it all just do each but that you can. On behalf of every woman who has had to go.this alone I promise you once you accept it and decide to find your power you will be happier and it's far, far easier to be alone than with a man who doesn't want to be there.

Mumsnet has a huge 'oh he must be cheating ' crowd. Who cares he's not a loving supportive partner he's a loser who's checked out on you the why does not matter the how to move on is the hard part and you can do this. Start by telling everyone and they will rally round you. Ask him to move out whilst you sort out getting back to work. Offer to sort out you and baby moving after Christmas once you've settled into work and got your benefits sorted. Thus is hard but it's not impossible and you will be happier without him.💐

Mumsnet has a huge 'oh he must be cheating ' crowd.

It also has a huge ‘can’t be bothered reading the thread properly’ crowd.
She found a condom in his wallet.

I’d be lawyered up by now and making sure that he is paying as much child maintenance as possible as he won’t be having your DC very often or very regularly.

Money from any joint accounts I’d be withdrawing and getting someone keep the cash for you (probably illegal but I have friends who did this to help protect them and their DC).

All financial paperwork to the solicitor and making sure you are as secure as you can be.

Tell friends and family so they can support and think about how returning to work will now look like for you.

Get into your angry, survival mode and focus solely on you and DC; this man is not your friend and should be treated as such.

The having baby 50% of time is so he does not have to pay child maintenance- but he cannot commit to having him 50% of time - so that will not work and you cannot be adapting to his schedule, you have a life as well.
You maybe entitled to UC to top up your wages, try an online calculator, they can help with costs for childcare and you might be able to afford to stay in your house.

Read your thread when you first posted and wondered about other woman being a possibility. See it definitely is from your update. Sending you strength op, he’s not your partner and not a good person. You and baby deserve much much better. Talk to someone irl and get him gone, lots of luck to you xxxx

He is sounding as he is expecting you to facilitate his work even when not together anymore! That can't happen. If he is serious about 50/50, that means 50% of the working week, childcare costs on those days and being there to drop off and collect from childcare.

I suspect what he is serious about, is not paying you maintenance. I would play along @Thepebblesareblue , it is likely he will realise that it is far cheaper and less disruptive to his equilibrium to just pay the maintenance.

Make sure you get equal weekend time with your DC.

I'm so sorry you're going through this just as you return to work. The timing couldn't be worse, what a shit!

I recommend staying in the house, separate bedrooms if you can and getting you and DC settled with work and childcare before you do any logistics.

What is this shite they come out with??? He “doesn’t know how it got there”???? I can honestly say I’ve never had a condom spontaneously appear in my wallet. Has anyone else??
He is a lying weasel. See a solicitor, get the facts, get what you are entitled to and get out.
Fully appreciate that is easy to say but blatant lying like this give me rage! I know it’s painful op and I’m sorry he’s such a massive cunt, but, you are where you are. He is deficient, It is NOT your fault, but you need to deal with this now. He is not your friend.