Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

As PPs have said he is suggesting 50/50 to save himself money.
It won't happen, if he is working long hours he will not want baby disrupting his sleep or leisure time.
Men are full of bs.

Do not think about him, just think about yourself and baby. Get your family and friends to help you.

Get some decent legal advise, ask around for recommendations.

I still think he is having an affair

Well clearly you can't agree to just be completely at the whim of your husband.

But this isn't because of inconvenience to you but because this isn't what's best for your son.

I think you need to put boundaries in place, but do it through a solicitor. He will need to arrange his own shift pattern and you need to stand firm that a routine is best for your son and for you (with your work patterns). And then let him propose a routine. fwiw my exH regularly chopped and changed his contact days - this was a way of pissing me off and retaining control. And yes let him spout on about 50/50 care if he wants. The reality will be very different!

I’m so very sorry OP. I’m glad you have family support. It must feel very raw now. When you are ready you can start thinking practically. I’ve copied a link below with some info as a starting point. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you’ll be ok. The only way he can live with himself is by making out you are the problem when obviously you are not (no matter what he may say). If the condom thing is all a big misunderstanding, I’d be expecting him to be speaking kindly. But he’s being defensive and is on the attack. He thinks he holds all the cards but he really doesn’t. You don’t want to be with a man who is dishonest and unkind. You have choices too.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

He is refusing to leave the house saying it’s his house too and he wants to be there for baby. We are able to live with my parents indefinitely. Are there any repercussions for taking this option? I’m going to think it over this weekend, but unsure of what is best.

Who owns the house?

I think the house should be sold and the proceeds divided between you, or is he going to pay you rent for his use of your half of the house.
As a general rule of thumb you can assume that if he proposes something it will be because it benefits him at your expense.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

He wants to be there for the baby?
Haha don't make me laugh.
No he doesn't he just wants whatever gives him the most control so that he can work everything to his advantage.

Goodness me OP, he wants it all, doesn’t he? He wants what every cheating man wants, he wants nothing to change or get difficult and his OW as well. To hell with that.
To me it’s clear he’s cheating, the evidence isn’t just a condom in his wallet, the “going cold” suddenly is textbook. Turning into somebody you don’t recognise is textbook. Remember you are playing catch- up with this scenario. It may have been going on for months for all you know and he has had time to construct this escape.
The reason for the coldness and saying he’s unhappy blah blah is to quieten down guilt and shame by making himself a victim. It’s all about blame shifting to you and abdicating the fact that he made this choice all by himself, his cheating has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Let that sink in because it’s important: there is nothing you did/ didn’t do or said/ didn’t say to cause this. However he may or may not have felt, he needed to say it and help solve the issues from within the marriage, he didn’t have to cheat. It was a choice. You didn’t force him to. That’s why the denial and gaslighting: he’s trying to hold on to his self image as a good guy whilst doing something awful to just please himself. To square that circle he needs to villify and blame you.
His cold treatment of you, telling you he’s been unhappy and rewriting your history is to make him feel better about what a shit he’s being. Him good, you bad = justifiable permission to please himself.

It’s all bollocks OP, that he’s constructed over time to help him rationalise and justify each line he crossed. He’ll believe his own bullshit until/ if ever he wakes up and smells it himself. Don’t listen to this twaddle, it’s rubbish.
I know how horrendous this is , but you need to stop negotiating and listening to him and find a solicitor and tell him how it’s going to be.
He wants out, fine: he can get out. He doesn’t get to benefit from you any more. He’s the one choosing this.
Now take care of yourself, you and your child are your top priority now. Get legal advice as soon as you can.

Who owns the house OP?

You don't need to decide this today and you shouldn't make that decision without legal advice. Short term if you can go to your parents that might be best. Some time apart from STBXH will probably be good for you both. Tell him, in writing, that you are going to visit your parents for a week and you will discuss things after that. During that week you can some advice from a family lawyer or other sources about what to do next.

You can get legal advice here, or see a family law solicitor as soon as you can.www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

If you rent the house, then move you and baby in with parents and let him find the rent money. Tell the landlord/letting agent that you are forced to leave because your relationship has broken down, and you need your husband to pay your share of the deposit back to you in order for you to surrender your keys (use that to force him into paying- no deposit, no keys and you can freely walk in and out of the house).
If you own the house, you have a greater claim to it to house your baby; he can’t expect to just live with you as before but effectively be free to shag about (which what it sounds like he wants). If you own the house, legal advice is even more of an imperative.

Pp is correct to say that he isn’t your friend and doesn’t have your interests at heart. He wants to make his own life as easy and as comfortable as he can, and he doesn’t care about you- even as the mother of his child. I wish I had understood that ten or twelve years ago, because financially I would be much better off now; but I wasn’t on Mumsnet and nobody close to me said anything useful, not even “see a lawyer and find out your rights”. Don’t be me! Get some decent advice and stand up for yourself and your son. He remains the father, and much as he would rather not, he has responsibilities towards the baby and has got to pay up.

Don't do anything about moving (or not) until you've taken legal advice X

So whats his plan then?! Wants you to live all together but be divorced? Who owns the house? He wants an easy life, is what he wants.

Take legal advice before proceeding. Could you ring up a solicitor this afternoon for an initial brief consultation so you have something to think through over the weekend?

You really need to seek legal advice

you may find he changes his mind - he doesn't want to leave the home (he is having cold feet about actually leaving the relationship that he said previously he doesn't want to be in)

he can't make you leave as society would think badly of him for kicking you out
especially as he is having an affair

what do you want? Do you want him to leave? If so get legal advice and see what can be done to solve this situation you find yourself in

as for baby and him wanting the baby to facilitate his shift patterns - thats not going to happen, it has to be the father/parent facilitating seeing the child. Offer mediation as you can't see yourselves coming to a conclusion to suit the baby in this matter

Unfortunately he is cold as he is 3 steps ahead of you, he knew all along this was happening (but hid this from you with deceit) and is further along the process of your relationship ending - you aren't there yet and so see him as cold - when you reach those three steps ahead as he has done, you will be just as cold as him

Pp is correct to say that he isn’t your friend and doesn’t have your interests at heart. He wants to make his own life as easy and as comfortable as he can, and he doesn’t care about you- even as the mother of his child. I wish I had understood that ten or twelve years ago, because financially I would be much better off now; but I wasn’t on Mumsnet and nobody close to me said anything useful, not even “see a lawyer and find out your rights”. Don’t be me! Get some decent advice and stand up for yourself and your son. He remains the father, and much as he would rather not, he has responsibilities towards the baby and has got to pay up.
This ^

this now has become the ending of a business ( as callous as that sounds), make sure you end it as favourably for your dc and you as possible - take the emotion out of the equation . Get legal advice, if not happy or convinced with first legal advice go again for 2nd opinion

I haven't rtft but make sure you stop doing any wifework. No cleaning his laundry, no preparing meals or food shopping. Don't move out. It will be uncomfortable for you but don't change anything in his favor until you get legal advice.

If you can stay strong and not run away or do the pick me dance you will come out much further ahead down the line. Stay ice cold and ignore him as much as possible. Good luck.

He's doing this so he can work shifts, and have his single life and pursue whoever he wants, whilst you do the grunt work of parenting under the pretence of 50 50. what a selfish entitled man

This!
Plus tell him nothing of any thoughts or plans.
Plus do not help him out with anything regarding your baby especially regarding 50/50 - he’s hoping to save money this way.
Sadly he will already have detached from you and your baby - don’t trust anything he (or his family and friends) says and be on your guard.
Who you thought your H was has gone, you’re bound to grieve your old life but use your anger to get a better life for you and your son.

Thanks everyone, lots to think about. We both own the house we bought it together

Do not move out of the house you co own. Get that solicitor appointment.

My honest opinion is best to agree to sell the house, split the money equally down the middle and use it to buy / rent a home for yourself and your child.

This leaves you both free of each other; should new relationships happen neither of you or new partners would be happy with you co habiting even though you're separated / divorced.

A clean break is best, with only your shared child as a connection.

I would buy yourself a little time to make arrangements. Try to not engage with arguments, just as a strategy while you work out what is best for you. I think it sounds like he is trying to make hostile situations. Very hurtful situation for you, but keep the faith, you will find someone who values you, and even if you don't you have your child, your family etc. Hope you can get some good legal advice. Maybe Chatgpt can help in the interim with some legal answers.

Agree don't leave the home. I expect he wants to have the house for himself as it's the easiest thing to do, but there is no way he should have the house. If anything would your mother move in with your short term to help? My sister was a single mother and my mother did this.

You haven't mentioned what your solicitor advised.

You have had endless posts from many MNers saying - "see a solicitor TODAY" - yesterday. It was your #1 priority.

When you get around to it your solicitor will probably advise that until a court says otherwise DH does have a right to stay in his house equal to your own. The baby's right trumps everyone else's, and had you seen a solicitor you might have been in a position to move forward along the lines that you want (him to move out) along the lines that the baby has the right to the house and he needs you to feed him.

My gut instinct is that if you move out it will be more difficult to move back.

Just plan for you and baby. Do not at any point think about STBEX.

I hope you manage to get some plans made over the weekend. I think having your Mum to visit is a good idea