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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

513 replies

Thepebblesareblue · 27/09/2025 09:00

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

OP posts:
Emma6cat · 02/10/2025 22:16

I’m really sorry, but this screams an affair. Men rarely leave unless they have someone else. Let him go, he will soon be back, hopefully you will have moved on.

QuickPeachPoet · 02/10/2025 22:20

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 19:27

What do I do re sharing DS, though?

Don't worry about that right now. The court can sort that for you.
Make sure your employment, RL support and finances are watertight. Let the professionals sort the rest.

DonnyBurrito · 02/10/2025 22:28

If I found a condom after signs there was an affair I would feel very fucking happy to leave. He's obviously been pissing you off for a while. If there's a possibility he's been fucking someone else instead on emotionally supporting you, you can leave him. You can.

It's his loss, truly.

Baninarama · 02/10/2025 22:32

mindutopia · 02/10/2025 20:00

I think you do what you do now. Is he moving out? If so, when does he spend time with him independent of you? Your ds is starting nursery as you are going back to work. He does the pick ups he was already planning to do, brings him home, sorts his dinner, can start getting him ready for bed. Then he leaves and you take over. This means you don’t have to do all the rushing around every day.

Or presumably ds is having a bottle at nursery, so he can take him out one day at the weekend. You give him a bottle. He can sort out a changing bag for himself. You get a well earned day to rest while he does something with him or visits family. Even if you were together, this is fab for them to have this one to one time to grow their bond. It’s not taking away from your bond or relationship. It’s giving him time to figure out how to parent independently. And means you also get a break, which you absolutely will need and will benefit from.

Show quote history

Exactly this. 100% custody sounds lovey at this point but the reality is HARD, especially when you go back to work. Make sure he takes his turn, even one day a week,

Jellywife · 02/10/2025 22:36

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 19:27

What do I do re sharing DS, though?

That’s up to him to put forward a workable solution. You don’t need to agree to anything that doesn’t work for you or do his thinking for him

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 22:46

Scandidandi · 27/09/2025 09:06

Totally shit for you and your kid. I’m going to be blunt….i would put my life on it that he’s having an affair
you are better off without him x

I agree with this. 9 month old baby and saying this since baby was 4 months old? Thats very odd, everyone knows those first few months are extremely hard....
You poor thing, I feel so sad for you. Can you extend your mat leave til you get a handle on all this. He sounds like a dick tbh 😔 working away he has the opportunity to cheat quite easily. If not an affair he must be depressed or something. Very odd behaviour

JFDIYOLO · 02/10/2025 23:33

He has already left you and your child - your job is not to make life easy for him.

With respect, love, we've told you what to do re sharing your DS:

See a solicitor asap - and learn your rights. As others have said you may be able to access one via your employee assistance programme.

Do not let H dictate what happens.

Your job to do the best for your child - which is that he stays with the parent who is there for him, does not walk out on him, and does not prioritise shifts over him.

Tell your family, friends and line manager what he has done to you both and get your support network rallying round.

hihelenhi · 02/10/2025 23:34

Emma6cat · 02/10/2025 22:16

I’m really sorry, but this screams an affair. Men rarely leave unless they have someone else. Let him go, he will soon be back, hopefully you will have moved on.

Well, yeah, obviously the condom OP found absolutely screams an affair.

Does nobody ever read the updates?

fruitfly3 · 02/10/2025 23:36

OP if you haven’t already, and can afford it, apply for parental leave for a month in the morning. Gives you some time to sort out essential arrangements, make a plan and start the right legal processes. so sorry this is happening to you

CbeeGeeBee · 02/10/2025 23:59

Has he got someone else? I’ll bet my bottom dollar he has. Men don’t leave without another servant to move on to.

DRose3 · 03/10/2025 01:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

chillipopcorn1 · 03/10/2025 01:13

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Another one who clearly doesn’t read the actual thread and updates before posting. Such a waste of everyone’s time! Read the OPs updates!

SpidersAreShitheads · 03/10/2025 02:58

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 19:53

He’s a shift worker btw, so it changes week on week, so couldn’t do EOW or anything consistently and refuses to fix his working days and won’t do a flexible working request. Expects it to all be facilitated by me

He can expect all he wants but that’s not how it works.

I mean this kindly but stop trying to solve his problems.

You need to shift your mindset - you’re not on the same side any more. A good lawyer will thrash out custody arrangements but he’s not going to get much while you’re breastfeeding. And he’ll have to figure out his own shift patterns - it’s not up to you to accommodate him.

You really do need to speak to a lawyer pronto - do not let him pressure you into agreeing anything without legal advice.

SpidersAreShitheads · 03/10/2025 02:59

JFDIYOLO · 02/10/2025 23:33

He has already left you and your child - your job is not to make life easy for him.

With respect, love, we've told you what to do re sharing your DS:

See a solicitor asap - and learn your rights. As others have said you may be able to access one via your employee assistance programme.

Do not let H dictate what happens.

Your job to do the best for your child - which is that he stays with the parent who is there for him, does not walk out on him, and does not prioritise shifts over him.

Tell your family, friends and line manager what he has done to you both and get your support network rallying round.

This in spades OP.

Scorchio84 · 03/10/2025 03:03

Jellywife · 02/10/2025 22:36

That’s up to him to put forward a workable solution. You don’t need to agree to anything that doesn’t work for you or do his thinking for him

Show quote history

This please! I felt helpless & all too agreeing until I copped the fuck on, legal advice & counsel in courts cured me of this, I hope I didn't come across as dismissive earlier?

thepariscrimefiles · 03/10/2025 05:56

Thepebblesareblue · 02/10/2025 13:54

And he’s already said he wouldn’t want to change working pattern or anything and would expect us to accommodate that even though it chops and changes. He doesn’t understand that it’s not consistent and children need consistency. I am still breastfeeding, too.

I'm pretty sure that a court wouldn't agree to 50/50 for a breastfed baby. It just isn't practical and would be against your baby's bestt interests. Please speak to a solicitor about this. I'm glad that you will have support from your family.

GAJLY · 03/10/2025 10:25

pikkumyy77 · 02/10/2025 19:58

Do not facilitate. He needs to schedule himself around his child. Women do. A good fayher would.

Show quote history

Agreed 👆

BettyTurpinPies · 03/10/2025 11:02

@CbeeGeeBee , You're hundreds of posts into the thread. Read the OP's updates.

Original poster
Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 12:22

Thank you everyone. It’s no clearer today, I know it’s a tale as old as time but one I never thought would happen to me. What I am shocked by is how cold he’s turned and how quickly. Absolutely zero emotion at all there. I have loads of family support, thankfully. It still feels entirely surreal.

OP posts:
SoMuchBadAdvice · 03/10/2025 12:25

Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 12:22

Thank you everyone. It’s no clearer today, I know it’s a tale as old as time but one I never thought would happen to me. What I am shocked by is how cold he’s turned and how quickly. Absolutely zero emotion at all there. I have loads of family support, thankfully. It still feels entirely surreal.

He knows that he is stuffed, and that he did it to himself all on his very own.

LittleOwl153 · 03/10/2025 12:30

We briefly discussed how it would look for DS in the event of a split. He was keen on 50/50..... He said he would expect us to cooperate with each other in that event and he would just have DS when he wasn’t working.

This tells me all we need to know about how amicable he is going to be. He expects you to drop everything and work around his demands. He isn't going to manage 50/50 or anything close unless there is a dotting granny in the background who he plans to hand the child to. Make sure he knows 50/50 means 50% of the nursery bill, 50% of the sick days everything. Not just swanning in on holidays demanding his time when it suits him to prevent him from paying child support. Ask him for a schedule, make sure you have at least half the weekends and down time he isn't entitled to take all of those just because of his work - especially as you too will need to work to survive.

Be strong.

MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2025 12:32

Thepebblesareblue · 03/10/2025 12:22

Thank you everyone. It’s no clearer today, I know it’s a tale as old as time but one I never thought would happen to me. What I am shocked by is how cold he’s turned and how quickly. Absolutely zero emotion at all there. I have loads of family support, thankfully. It still feels entirely surreal.

It won’t get clearer until you take control. He’s moved on already unfortunately. Stop thinking you can sort it out together, and by that I mean arrangements. You need to do it yourself. It will help you not only practically but emotionally too.

You’re well shot of this cheating loser, and you will come to recognise that. You can’t control what type of father he’ll be. That’s up to him. Hopefully he’ll step up, and organise his life accordingly. But it’s up to him.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/10/2025 12:37

Silly twat don't do anything at all to facilitate him. Let him do the running around. Don't let him visit your home either.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/10/2025 12:39

They are only ever keen on 50/50 because they don't want to cough up any money. He won't get that with a young child. Request fixed dates to suit yourself not him. Your life does not revolve around his shifts. Don't make a damned thing easy for him.
I ended up with 0% custody for him and 100% for me because my ex pissed off the family court too often.

Washingupdone · 03/10/2025 12:58

Take control and see a solicitor. Be cool and distant with the knowledge on how you stand towards your and your DC’s home