Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

Lots of shift workers are co parents. It is doable. But he can’t have his cake and eat it, if he can go to regular hours and that is better for you and DS then that is perfectly reasonable for you request that. But you are worrying about future problems here. He’s a twat today, he’ll probably be a twat for the next 18 years. Things will be hard but things don’t need to be perfect for you and DS to be happy. You can’t solve all your problems today. Today you need to look after yourself, call a friend or relative and let them know what is going on.

Also agree with the above post. Go and talk to a reputable specialist family law solicitor. Some will provide an initial half hour’s advice at no charge. Go on the website of Resolution (resolution.org.uk) which has a list of lawyers for someone local if that would help x

I saw this today too which may also resonate with you 💕 be kind to yourself

What a prick! Up until you said you found the condom I was thinking maybe it could be sorted. Having a baby is super stressful. But it sounds like he has already checked out. His up bringing might be what brought about a lot of stressful feeling but it doesn't excuse how he behaved. I had a very chaotic childhood - dad left/ absent mum. I struggled when I had kids but worked on it.

I'm glad you have real life support. Is there someone you can talk to? I would see if someone could come over this evening just to help.

Take legal advice. Sharing care does NOT mean 50/50. Please try not to feel under pressure to agree any arrangements re the care of DS now. His needs are paramount. At his age the right outcome is probably one where he spends the majority of his time with you.

He's not worried you're going to make false accusations; he's worried you're going to tell his friends and family the truth about him: he's cheating and he's leaving you and his baby high and dry.

So sorry your going through this. I've been there when I was in my early 40's and my two were 6 mths and 2 1/2yrs old. I was just blindsided when he upped and left. He really won't be wanting 50/50. Nothing he says now is to be trusted and he can't be relied upon in any shape or form. You have the control to decide how your life is going to be as a single parent. He's chosen not to continue a life with you. He doesn't get to decide what yours will look like.

Mentally it helped to view my exH as an occasional accessory, like a handbag.

It obviously isn't what you expected or wanted, but work on developing your own plan to support yourselves financially (in case he arses around with that too) and keep your cards close to your chest.Develop a routine that works for you and he can adjust to it if he so wishes later down the line. Tell him nothing, ask him for nothing and trust him with nothing. It will take a bit of time but really will get better xx

Hard no.

Do not offer or agree to facilitating his work schedule. He can adjust it like he probably expects you to do. Nope.

Not your problem.

You have your own problems, stop taking on his as well.

Agreed, @Thepebblesareblue you are probably in the habit of being his problem solver and you need to protect yourself by stopping that right now. Use your mental energy to solve your problems, and let him find solutions for his. He will be angry at you but again, do your best to be the rock in the stream and let the anger just break around you; don’t react and don’t backtrack to try and smooth things out. This was one of the hardest things I had to learn. But it’s worth doing.

OP, I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. I know you are feeling a thousand things right now - how did it come to this? How can he care so little about the family you have built? How can he not fight for you? Who is this man saying these things to me? Where did my husband go?

And all the plans you had for a calm return after mat leave have evaporated. And seemingly overnight you are having to consider selling your home, going full time, sharing custody. It all seems grotesque, surreal, and heartbreaking in equal measure. There’s an army of women who know what you are going through and who are sending their love and support.

From experience, I would echo other posters who say that from now on you only focus on what is best for you and your baby. Your husband is no longer your person, not your friend. He doesn’t have your back and you have to act accordingly.

cry when you need to and apply steel armour when you need to - when negotiating the divorce settlement, custody etc. I was given good advice - your hurt, inner child has no business negotiating legal matters. Leave her at the door when you go get the best settlement you can.

it’s onwards now for you and your baby. One day at a time. Sometimes it will be moment by moment. It will be tough. But you’ll find the strength you’ll need. Don’t waste time like I have on trying to figure out what changed in him, at what point his head turned, why he didn’t fight. You may never know. It won’t help you. Focus on you and the incredible love you have for your baby. Your family, your resilience, your courage will see you through. Wishing you strength OP and rooting for you x

This.
And your response to his expectations is simply - that doesn’t work for me.
And you seek legal advice on the rest.

Hi op unfortunately he’s checked out already. it’s ok him saying he won’t change shifts because he’s selfish but he cannot control the dynamics once you live separately. maybe don’t think about that for now you have just had your world turned upside down. any decent man would not put you through this so early on into parenthood of course it’s tough never heard anyone ever saying this parents stuff is easy because it’s far from it. You need to make you and dc your priority try and get emotional support and rest but let the information sink in for now, if he wants to see his dc he needs to go by your rules he lost his chance to make all the decisions.

My ex-husband did this to me and I found out he was having an affair since our Son was 9 months old.

Sorry OP but when they throw the towel in this early into your child's life it normally is because there is someone else.

It will be hard but you will manage to figure out how to get by. Day by day is sometimes the best way..

arranging him seeing your child is not your problem at all. He is about to find this out the hard way.

You need legal advice. This is going to take time, for now you will likely be looking after your child 100% of the time. That’s good!

He is completely pathetic because everyone knows the first couple of years are extremely tough. Life is going to change but maybe it’s better it’s happening now before it’s too confusing for your little one.

He can expect anything he likes. It’s not your problem, at all. See a solicitor ASAP. Are you still living together? Do you rent or own?

Been in your shoes, there was no other woman. Husband said he wasn’t happy and walked out when our daughter was 1 year old. Looking back it was probably the best thing that happened to us. We lived separately for a few months started dating again. Don’t get me wrong at the time it was horrendous I nearly had a break down. Looked awful couldn't eat, sleep or think straight.
But it made me so much stronger. I now know I can pick myself up and survive.
Neither of us ever stopped loving each other. I was knackered and had PND. He felt he made me unhappy and could do nothing right.
i would take a few extra weeks to get your head round it.
Start looking after yourself. Take all the help you can get. Everything happens for a reason.

When he sees DS is his problem to fix. He asks: When will I see DS? you say, “you’ll have to speak to a lawyer”

He is not on your team. He does not have your interests at heart. He wants you to STFU as you might expose him as the cheat he is. Your role for him now is to simply facilitate his relationship with DS whilst at the same time, feeding and clothing and parenting DS singlehanded.
So you must make sure you:
Expose him as the cheat he is.
Ensure he takes responsibility for the custody arrangements of DS.
Talk to a lawyer asap.

so sorry he’s such a shit.

This is a maddening and ridiculous comment - it could be for lots of reasons but most likely not this l. Having a new baby is immensely hard. Seriously stop with comments like this

@Happygo7 Read OP's posts - you're on page 17 of the thread. Your post is more maddening and ridiculous.

Seriously read all the OP updates before commenting!

Oh OP I am so, so sorry! I only had to read your first post and was going to reply staking my life on him having an affair, then saw the condom post further down. What cliche selfish twat he is. My only advice would be to find your anger and outrage and try to hold onto it to help give you courage and strength. And do ONLY what is best for you and your beautiful son, not your stbx, he’s made his bed and he can lie in it, not your responsibility! He didn’t think about you or his child at any point, you certainly don’t have to consider him ever again!!

Have you just arrived? Welcome!

It most likely was exactly that, even before OP posted about the magically appearing condom. There’s a good reason lots of posters said the same thing, because it’s very, very common unfortunately. I’ve yet to see ONE similar thread which doesn’t turn out to be the man having an affair, and in my personal life I have yet to see a man leaving a woman who doesn’t already have someone lined up, and usually lying about it.