Husband wants a divorce, we’ve got a baby

[Thepebblesareblue]

We have a 9 month old DS and my husband of not yet 3 years has announced he wants a divorce. He says we have changed since becoming parents and he doesn’t think we get along now. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need emotionally or that he makes me happy, and feels as though he is the one continually compromising. When I asked him for examples he didn’t really have any. He has been saying he’s unhappy since baby was maybe 4 months old, I’ve listened each time and taken on board what he’s said.

What can I do? I’m supposed to be returning to work on Friday after maternity leave, this is not how I imagined the last week of maternity leave would be. I’m reeling and feel as though I am carrying such a lot at the moment. He’s said he is willing to go to counselling but feels very stuck in the current situation and does not see it changing.

The silver linings I guess, I have more family support & practical help nearby. We could move in with family if we needed to. He does not, at all. The relatives he does have don’t live very near. Neither of us could afford the family home on our own so it would mean selling. He works long hours, including weekends and sometimes works away so I have no idea how he’d have our son 50% of the time like he claims he hypothetically would like to. I’m supposed to be returning part time, I don’t know how I can afford to do that on my own.

I feel really sick to my stomach. Confident there is no one else, as I asked and have seen his phone. Never say never but I’m as sure as I can be.

Our baby is so little, this is not what I had imagined at all. We have experienced the stresses of new parenthood but I honestly thought we’d weather them and mutually accept it as a phase of life.

The reason he won’t sit with you & is making excuses not to spend any time with you is so he can spend all evening texting the AP I guarantee it.

But why is she looking through his wallet? I find that odd. I don't expect my husband to look through my handbag. Or look at my phone. Some (untidy/distracted) people have all sorts of flotsam and jetsam in their wallets and handbags from YEARS ago.

Or, Maybe he is thinking about being unfaithful, is angry and upset, but it doesn't mean he has yet been unfaithful . Talk about" thought crime". If he thinks the marriage is over this is exactly the way to put the nail in the coffin for you to insist he has been unfaithful

Why not try and open the conversation instead of closing it ?

It’s definitely him not you OP.

Be prepared for another woman to come crawling out of the woodwork;I’d put money on her being connected to his job.

But the reasons he’s giving for leaving are irrelevant;the only thing that now matters is looking after yourself and your DS.

I agree with the advice you’ve already been given to get legal advice asap;you don’t have to do anything with it but knowledge is power here.

Sounds like the conversation opener was ‘why do you have a condom in your wallet?’

And the response was ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. Which is pretty much shutting down any open conversation.

If he put it there because he thought about sex with someone else, but had no intention of doing so, why have it at all? And why not be honest? You can fantasise about sex with someone without needing a condom.

With a baby this age, he isn't just rejecting you, it's a rejection of his baby and family life. What sort of arsehole doesn't stick with his wife when she has pnd? If he's struggling, he needs counselling and to do less hours at work. If he wants to have his baby half the time he will have to go part time like any other single parent. He's being completely unrealistic. I'm not sure the judge would give a breastfed baby as young as that to the father for 50% of the time, especially of he refuses to work less. Give him what he wants, ask him to leave, or move in with your family. The reality of his choices will soon hit him. He is a selfish prick.

What was the expiry date on the condom?

Because a few days ago her husband announced he wanted a divorce?

What do I do re sharing DS, though?

Does DS attend nursery? He could collect after work & have Friday evening & then a few hours on Saturday assuming he works normal hours.

Obviously with you still breastfeeding, it would have to be shorter slots.

Have you asked him what he envisages working or is he still expecting you to do the wife work?

How horrible. My husband left shortly after the birth of dc after 15 years together. It was an affair started during my pregnancy. It’s so shocking and sad , you feel like you will never get over it.
However I have two bits of good advice given to me at the time. A friend told me that it would get better and the hurt would lessen in time. She was right. Another friend told me to get the best solicitor I could afford as it would be worth it in the end. She was definitely right.
Look after yourself. You can manage more than you think. I am now quite proud of how I have managed.People tell me how well I have done. He is still a loser and everyone knows he left his wife and tiny dc.

That can be worked out once you have separated, I would say. If I were you I'd start making your plans, and then basically tell your husband how things are going to roll!

You tell him that he needs to agree to a schedule as consistency is important for children. If he’s not willing to put a flexible working request in then he has to accept he will see his son less. It’s not on you to bend over backwards for him anymore

When the reality sinks in for him of how much care a small child requires he wont be bothering you as much as you think. Try not to worry andoverthink childcare at this stage.
These details will gradually be worked out as you go through the process. Even if he does attain 50/50 in reality it will never happen. He wont have the time or motivation.

You talk that through with a family lawyer about what might be reasonable. There should be structured and regular contact with both parents, there will be some compromises but he does not get to dictate your life. Remember, he does not get to make unreasonable demands of you. This is not a decision that needs to be made today. Today you tell him to give you some space while you sort life your out.

To repeat something that I said earlier (though maybe it is in a different context as an answer to your question) ........

His access to DS isn't your problem (I assume that you wish to continue caring for DS, that doesn't really need saying).

Various PP have spelt out that DH will try to claim 50:50 in order to minimise Child Support, but in practice won't want to actually do the care. You carry on nurturing DS 100%, allowing STBX to contribute what he is prepared to, & leave the financial side to unwind itself.

What a tosser leaving you in the lurch like that.

One day at a time op. Start with telling him to leave (but I think you already did that? Good) and talking to a solicitor.

Babies and children are not there to be shared. They need to have their needs met in the most appropriate way, and of course to spend time with both parents where possible.

You need to toughen up, and get advice asap. Don’t look for solutions for him, but for you. That doesn’t mean you are stopping his access, but it’s up to him to work it out not you. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you any more. Fair enough, but he can’t expect you to organise your life to suit him anymore. It’s hard, but there’s not much point in discussing it with him. Get yourself organised, and you’ll start to recover, albeit slowly. In a year or so I am absolutely sure you’ll be glad this happened so early on, and that you’re well shot of him. He’s no prize.

He’s a shift worker btw, so it changes week on week, so couldn’t do EOW or anything consistently and refuses to fix his working days and won’t do a flexible working request. Expects it to all be facilitated by me

Family lawyer here. I totally agree with this. Stay strong OP and a virtual hug.

You need to seek legal advice asap. Talk through the practical side of arranging contact, with your solicitor. If your husband is unwilling to put in a flexible working request, change jobs etc, then it's going to be difficult for him to see your son. Yes, there needs to be compromise on both sides but your husband doesn't get to dictate your life. It's not down to you to bend over backwards for him. He's making no effort to make changes to his working pattern, to accommodate his son, he wants you jumping to his tune. Absolutely not. You are correct your son does need stability, structure and consistency. He's not going to receive that if your husband isn't willing to compromise. If you can't come to an agreement, then you'll have to go for a Contact Arrangement Order, via the Court. A Judge will decide what's in the best interest of your son. I'm sorry you are going through this. Men come out with some shit, don't they? He doesn't know where the condom came from!!!! Seriously!! It's an insult to your intelligence.

Do not facilitate. He needs to schedule himself around his child. Women do. A good fayher would.

Your husband sounds like a massive arsehole!
He's been gaslighting you, no wonder you have pnd

I think you do what you do now. Is he moving out? If so, when does he spend time with him independent of you? Your ds is starting nursery as you are going back to work. He does the pick ups he was already planning to do, brings him home, sorts his dinner, can start getting him ready for bed. Then he leaves and you take over. This means you don’t have to do all the rushing around every day.

Or presumably ds is having a bottle at nursery, so he can take him out one day at the weekend. You give him a bottle. He can sort out a changing bag for himself. You get a well earned day to rest while he does something with him or visits family. Even if you were together, this is fab for them to have this one to one time to grow their bond. It’s not taking away from your bond or relationship. It’s giving him time to figure out how to parent independently. And means you also get a break, which you absolutely will need and will benefit from.