What do I do with this request for space?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a fight we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Huh? My plan is to go no contact as I told him, bc he’s the one asking for space?
The fight was about his recurring pattern of going out without me (says it’s coworkers or the guys so I’m not invited), then disappearing until like noon the next day. Started asking if he could send a single text saying he got home safe; he didn’t. (Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry). He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days after I say anything about this

So as well as being a habitual drink-driving aggressive manipulator, he's also an emotionally unavailable piss artist?

Honest question: how shoddily will he need to treat you before you realise he's not the one for you?

Agree you need a separation.

About 50 years no contact should do it.

This HAS to be a troll. No woman is this deranged, or quite frankly it’s just an insult to women everywhere.

Agree. It’s one of those threads you hope is a wind up as the thought that any woman has a bar this low is depressing as fuck

Perhaps you need to value yourself more.
Because this man values you so little he is happy to put your life at risk by drink driving.
Get some self respect and dump him.. before you ( or some innocent party)are seriously injured.

Give him the space he wants - don't contact him again and get on with your life!

You want to prove you can give him what he needs?

I can't believe what I'm reading. Girl, WAKE UP. Are you really really so desperate for a man that you will take any shit he throws at you?

Where is your self esteem?
Where is your pride?
Do NOT let this fucker walk all over you. He could be the hottest guy on earth and he'd still be a total fucking loser.

End it. Block him. Don't contact him again.

Do you get in the car with him after 3-5 drinks?

Yes, he says he has a high tolerance. Usually it’s 2 drinks at dinner then 2 after. No beer or hard seltzer, all liquor. I’ve heard him tell people anything other than liquor is a waste of time bc it’s too weak. Once we went to bed and I said I love you and he didn’t say it back. He’d been acting sluggish. Turns out he didn’t remember it at all- so, he passed out drunk.
i just thought I was a woman with enough to offer, and tried to be laid back enough even when he emotionally was lacking, so I’m shocked he’s doing this.
however I tried to break it off a few months in when he’d had no convo w me about exclusivity & would leave right after sex. I said “it seems you’re looking for something less serious than me.” He said “oh no not necessarily, though, casual is really fun too” and idk. And said he’s never had a relationship, ever, that wasn’t more than surface level (before me I guess), “and that’s how I liked it.”

The legal driving limit is roughly the equivalent to 2 units - that 1 pint of lager or 1 double spirit. So he’s 4/5 times the legal limit which is a fucking disgrace.

Get rid of this scum bag. He’s a twatty alcoholic. Dump and move on. Don’t be so naive.

I cannot imagine where you live this is the best you can do.

Do you have no friends or relatives looking out for you? Have you ever been in a relationship that is in every way different to what this man represents?

Reported. Clearly another rage baiting thread.

I agree

Agree

I tried to be clear I wasn’t looking for advice on whether to stay- just on how to keep things going w a person who’s this way

Well that bit is simple. To keep going with a man like this you’ve got to ignore all his faults and forget anything you think he’s doing wrong - just do everything he wants, forget what you want. As for when to contact him, well, I’m sure he’ll let you know what he expects sooner or later. So then you can just trot after him and hope you’re doing enough for now, and that he doesn’t go off with someone else.

Why do you want to be with someone who for the whole of your relationship has been emotionally detached? I mean that is literal madness.

I'm not being unkind. You actively want to be with someone who seems 'bored and impatient' when talking to you? That's disgusting, want more for yourself.

Also I don't believe you can think for a second that having 3-5 drinks and driving is in any way normal. 'High tolerance' doesn't change the law.

How old are you OP? You seem to be clinging to someone who is an utter waste of molecules, which smacks to me of someone who has rarely dated before.

Just get rid of him and quit the angst.

You've given us about 100 reasons why you should dump him. Can you see that?

Easy, he told you he wants a break so you just need to sit at home and wait for the call that confirms the break is over and he wants you back

Yep.
He's trying to train you into allowing him to do anything he likes re going out/returning as and when he feels like it by making you scared he'll leave permanently if you dare to say anything.

You need to ask ?
His behaviour is unreasonable .

You want advice as to how to keep the relationship going? Well, that's easy. Just put up with it. Only text him when you have something to say that he will want to hear. Of course, you dont know what that is, so it might be a bit of a lottery. I'm not sure what you're getting out of the relationship, but it must be important enough for you to believe that if only you can prove yourself worthy of him (as defined by him) he will love you and care for you, and that is what you want above everything else.

How to keep this relationship going?

Believe everything he says.

Believe you are worthless.

Ask nothing of him - fidelity, kindness, consideration, respect, consistency, company ... none of that.

Be content with him screwing around while keeping yourself reserved for him.

Accept that he dictates when you see him, or not, and that this will be when he fancies a fuck and you need bringing into line.

Decide that if he deigns to let you know he's got home safe when he's been out living it up without you, then that's a good day.

Make sure you carry ID and next of kin details on you so you can be identified and relatives informed when the inevitable drink-drive tragedy happens.

If you can do that, then this relationship is FINE.