Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do with this request for space?

242 replies

Tennisnonpro1123 · 25/09/2025 13:15

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a fight we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Huh? My plan is to go no contact as I told him, bc he’s the one asking for space?
The fight was about his recurring pattern of going out without me (says it’s coworkers or the guys so I’m not invited), then disappearing until like noon the next day. Started asking if he could send a single text saying he got home safe; he didn’t. (Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry). He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days after I say anything about this

OP posts:
Loubelou71 · 29/09/2025 06:51

I would tell him he can have space forever. He's keeping you dangling while he decides. I wouldn't hang around.

ApricotCheesecake · 29/09/2025 06:51

Tennisnonpro1123 · 29/09/2025 02:12

He definitely gets mean and blows up what should’ve been a simple disagreement (I say “it seems we have different expectations about communication, I think it’s reasonable for you to text once that you’re home safely instead of disappearing all night until noon the next day any time you go out and I’m not invited”), by cursing at me, saying im talking like a bh or aren’t I just the fcking victim, etc. But other than this one issue and him hardly ever taking me out on real dates (just hangouts w friends and family and alcohol), and zero romance, I thought I didn’t ask for anything so I don’t understand why he wants to drop me

It's because most people don't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. Not asking for anything in a relationship often results in being treated like a doormat, as you've found. You need to work on your self esteem OP.

Original poster
Tennisnonpro1123 · 29/09/2025 11:10

Well, I asked if he could text me once in a night that he got home instead of disappearing until most of the way thru next morning…

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 11:21

Tennisnonpro1123 · 27/09/2025 18:42

Why? He’s only mean when I try to insinuate he could text me once instead of disappearing multiple nights till the next day when out. And yes he does have 5+ liquor drinks every day and drives but no one is perfect. I just don’t know what to do when he says he’s never had a relationship more than surface level bc that’s how he liked it, and seems not to care when I’m upset

Show quote history

No one is perfect. But some people are very less perfect than others. I’m sorry but you’re mad to stick by someone who deliberately drinks and drives - putting themselves and others at serious risk - and also tells you that basically he only cares for you on a superficial level. I’m sorry but are you daft? Why would you put up with any of that? He’s a horrible person. Why do you need a bunch of internet strangers to point out the bleeding obvious and why are you defending one of humanity's degenerates?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 29/09/2025 11:33

OMG! I can't.. I just can't...

Why do you think you deserve so little??

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another.

I agree with other posters:

You are a doormat.

You are a fool.

Calling you names, swearing at you, giving you the silent treatment are ALL ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS!!

tryingtobesogood · 29/09/2025 11:51

Tennisnonpro1123 · 25/09/2025 13:21

Why?

Show quote history

Lets start with the drinking and driving, then the expecting you to hang around until he decides he wants to be with you, but you are not allowed to move on, the disrespect towards you of disappearing and then being aggressive when called out about it.

JFDIYOLO · 29/09/2025 12:04

So why is it that you feel this man is worth one second more of your time and thought?

There's four billion of them on the planet. This one's another dud.

TwistedWonder · 29/09/2025 12:07

Is this nonsense still dragging on? The OP jumped the shark days ago - fake as a nine pound note

Original poster
Tennisnonpro1123 · 29/09/2025 12:24

Maybe he is in the right, bc I was acting insecure? It’s just hard to think that him going out like once a week where I’m expressly not invited, location not mentioned, and him disappearing not a single text until noon the next day, should just be cool with me. Like why do I have to ask him to text he got home safely, why doesn’t he want to talk to me for that long on his own.
Or when he told me he was super swamped w work but could meet at the local bar, then I arrive first & this girl who just started dating his friend tells me she met my bf because he was “in her house” earlier. I was miffed bc it just felt like he was sooo busy w work yet had time to be alone in another girl’s house? I tried to stay relaxed when I asked him about it but he says “you’re talking like a b*ch” and “you have a fcking attitude”

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 29/09/2025 14:11

@Tennisnonpro1123 I think you are having a hard time hearing what people are saying here. You are not being unreasonable, you should be able to ask your partner to message you to let you know he is ok, you should not have to change yourself to please him, to keep him, you are in a toxic relationship, with a man that has no respect for you.

No one will tell you this is ok, that you just need to be patient and wait. Everyone is telling you it is time to give him all the space, all of it.

Littlemissbubbblles · 29/09/2025 15:55

@Tennisnonpro1123
Youre definitely not asking for too much. In fact, you’re asking for almost nothing……. And that’s still to much for him to give you. Every thing in this relationship is on his terms.
You really would be happier and have more peace being alone

northernlight20 · 29/09/2025 18:09

Tennisnonpro1123 · 29/09/2025 12:24

Maybe he is in the right, bc I was acting insecure? It’s just hard to think that him going out like once a week where I’m expressly not invited, location not mentioned, and him disappearing not a single text until noon the next day, should just be cool with me. Like why do I have to ask him to text he got home safely, why doesn’t he want to talk to me for that long on his own.
Or when he told me he was super swamped w work but could meet at the local bar, then I arrive first & this girl who just started dating his friend tells me she met my bf because he was “in her house” earlier. I was miffed bc it just felt like he was sooo busy w work yet had time to be alone in another girl’s house? I tried to stay relaxed when I asked him about it but he says “you’re talking like a b*ch” and “you have a fcking attitude”

I must admit, for months I have avoided the relationships board because of doormats like you who wont open you eyes and listen to the advise of a lot of women on here. I cant actually believe you would want to stay with this specimen of a man, I despair and hope you find some self esteem and know you deserve better than to be treated like this by a drunk, violent horrible man. People will only treat you the way you allow them to. Use the block button on your phone and give this man space forever.

Original poster
Tennisnonpro1123 · 29/09/2025 18:43

There are 2 sides to every story. Maybe I should’ve been more relaxed, not care about things like him disappearing on NYE or at least one night a week where it’s no response to my text until like noon the following day. And I could’ve acted unbothered when a girl at the bar (dating his friend) told me she met him and he was in her house (alone) earlier that day. They did live in the same neighborhood and he was out taking a walk. It’s just the way he had told me he was impossibly busy w work and could barely meet me that night, and the way he def didn’t mention anything about that to me , and the way even our date night that night was him telling me to get bar seats (ie hang out w other people). I didn’t get mean about the house incident, just said “I’m trying to process this- I thought work was super busy but then this girl is saying you were just in her house?” He just reacts so aggressively immediately saying I’m talking like a bch with a f* attitude.

OP posts:
WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 29/09/2025 18:54

You’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. Abuse isn’t always physical. PLEASE don’t be such a fool. This guy is no good- surely you can see that? If you honestly can’t see it then I suggest you STOP dating for a long while and work on your own issues that are clearly clouding your (very poor) judgement.

Dery · 30/09/2025 00:00

@Tennisnonpro1123 - why are you so desperate to hang on to this unpleasant man? Why are you so keen to be with someone who is so mean to you and engages in drunk driving and other shitth behaviour? You seem determined to talk yourself into him being an acceptable partner but no-one is going to tell you this guy’s a keeper. He’s awful. What did you learn about love and relationships growing up that makes you keep him around? You sound vulnerable, OP.

duckfordinner · 30/09/2025 08:27

Poor boundaries, low self esteem, poor judgment. Change your focus OP. You should be your priority, drop this man - he isn’t a good one.

waterrat · 01/10/2025 09:27

two sides? do you mean , you could have been more relaxed - ie. had no boundaries whatsoever?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page