What do I do with this request for space?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a fight we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Huh? My plan is to go no contact as I told him, bc he’s the one asking for space?
The fight was about his recurring pattern of going out without me (says it’s coworkers or the guys so I’m not invited), then disappearing until like noon the next day. Started asking if he could send a single text saying he got home safe; he didn’t. (Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry). He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days after I say anything about this

Another depressing post where the OP describes a useless vile twat and then is surprised people say LTB. How low must your self esteem be?

You are dating a drink driver?

'(Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry).'

Yep every day another woman twisting herself into a pretzel to understand why a complete tosser acts like a dickhead. It truly is depressing

He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days
This along with the drunk driving means he's not fit for dating, he's not serving his purpose as a boyfriend which is to enhance your life, make it all fun and easier.
Just dump him without a thought, don't indulge him in any arguing or reasons, just say you're not attracted to him, all the best, bye.
You could be enjoying life instead.

Raise your standards, love.

You already occupy the teeniest of spaces in his life - the one marked 'if I don't have anything better to do.'

You're the last to be considered - but he still wants you under control when it suits him.

And the drink driving? One day he'll kill someone, himself - or you.

It's very simple - if it looks like 💩 and it acts like 💩 it's 💩

He’s a drunk driver, is trying to control who you can talk to about your relationship (probably because anyone who cares about you would tell you to walk away), he’s unilaterally deciding your level of contact with him, he says he wants space but won’t give you space of your own… do you need more reason to end it?

Dump The Drunk!

This part I don’t get. Why say he wants space but immediately qualify it with “I’m not talking about seeing other people”? He could’ve just said he wanted space and left it at that if he wanted to be rid of me. But I explicitly asked if we were breaking up and he said no. And said “pls don’t think you can’t contact me during this time”

This is the behaviour of a man who is just not that into you

He will merely continue to give you spaghetti hesd if you keep thinking about why he does what he does. He does this because he can and you let him. He likes keeping you around so he can continue to mistreat you. Such men are really not worth bothering about.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

He doesn't want you seeing other people. He's already got someone lined up that he's planning on seeing. He's just keeping you in reserve in case your replacement doesn't work out.

Yep you’re his back up plan.

All of this stuff about space is completely irrelevant. The man is a drink driver who could kill someone. Someone who is someone's child, parent, friend. You are rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Report him, then bin him. Nothing else to be said.

100% and he wants the OP to stay in contact so he can keep throwing her crumbs while he’s shagging someone else having some space

You should be ashamed of yourself for having anything to do with someone who regularly drinks and drives.

Another saying get rid of the loser.

When he says he doesn’t mean dating other people op, he just means you. He already is… Dump him.

No, what he said was that he needs space to process but he is NOT going to see any other people during that time & asked “Is that gonna be a problem For you to do the same?” Why would we assume that’s a lie… he didn’t need to volunteer that in first place

You’re letting him mess you around, control you and abuse you, OP. He’s tying you up in knots. Can’t you see that?

And you must’ve considered that he’s carrying on with another woman when he’s gone all night & half the day without so much as a word? Surely?

What would you tell a friend if she was in a similar situation? Hopefully, you’d tell her to get some self-respect, realise what is happening and give the man the heave-ho.

When I see posts like yours, I’m always reminded of the Beautiful South song ‘A Little Time.’ Have a listen to the lyrics.

THIS. Look at what you have told us, then look at what everyone here is saying. He’s not that into you. He’s likely cheating already, but this space he wanted to make sure you stay waiting if the other woman isn’t right for him. It’s possible she thinks he’s cheating on her so he needs to not see you to prove he’s faithful even!

if your best friend described her boyfriend treating her how yours treats you, would you tell her to dump his ass? Or would you say to do exactly as he asks and beg for his scraps of attention.

No-one deserves to be treated this way. Leave him and enjoy your own company before you start looking for a few relationship. Set your boundaries and don’t accept anything less than what you deserve!

This. A million times this.

He wants to have his cake and eat it OP. He wants to explore being single and how it feels, but keep you hanging about waiting for him just in case it doesn't work out for him.

He’s unreliable. He’s a drunk driver. He doesn’t care about how you feel. He doesn’t prioritise spending time with you. He’s abusive when you try to discuss things that bother you. He’s not a partner.

And that’s his bad points without any speculation about what he’s doing when he disappears!

This guy doesn’t care about you. Finish it.

OP, only arrogant individuals will drink a few drinks then get in their car and drive. Its so arrogant, and shows such utter lack of care for anyone else, including you.

The reason he wants to be in contact is so he can control the narrative, what happens during this break, and he is CONTROLLING YOU.

Shouting, yelling, telling you lies, ( in relation to going out with mates etc) and he has you exactly where he wants you. And you are allowing him by accepting his reasons. TO hell with your reasoning. You dont count. Your needs are not valid. That is if your post is accurate. If it is, then I would take control of your life, back from his demands, and reevaluate the relationship. Why? because you are abandoning yourself each time you get into his car when he is drunk, knowing full well the huge likelihood of him getting into an accident, and you are lucky that it hasnt happened yet to you two, what about everyone else. He has complete lack of respect for you and everyone else by drink driving. Utter twat.

Oh and also with the request for “space” he’s training you not to question him so he can do whatever he wants without it causing friction.

You will feel so free if you get rid of him, instead of allowing him to train you to be silent and unhappy!