What do I do with this request for space?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a fight we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Huh? My plan is to go no contact as I told him, bc he’s the one asking for space?
The fight was about his recurring pattern of going out without me (says it’s coworkers or the guys so I’m not invited), then disappearing until like noon the next day. Started asking if he could send a single text saying he got home safe; he didn’t. (Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry). He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days after I say anything about this

Yes he will, he'll get jealous and try to convince you that's because he cares about you, which if he did he wouldn't want space.

Go and listen to A little time by the Beautiful South. It describes your situation exactly.

”The freedom that you wanted back,
is yours for good, I hope you’re glad”

In your shoes I wouldn’t give a flying fuck how he sees you, other than as an ex. Raise your bar.

Find some self respect OP and dump this crock of shit !

Are you hoping he’ll realise how much he loves you and start treating you well? Because, no.

What he’ll probably do, based on what you’ve said about him in here, is kick off, sulk, curse and go on a bender, possibly/probably drink drive. So exactly what he does anyway.

Just don’t bother , relationships are not supposed to be this much hard work !

you are being a massive doormat. He wants to shag around and know that you’re on a string anytime he wants you. ‘Space’ is code for ‘I want to be able to go out drinking and dissapear whenever I want and you’re not allowed to have a go at me for it’

When we’re in shitty relationships, we see it as normal. Because it’s our normal.

A very simple exercise is to list what you’d actually want from a relationship. I cannot imagine it would be:

1. someone who swears at me
2. someone who shows me no respect
3. drunk driver

etc. etc. This is no criticism of you or of people in those relationships. I’ve been there. It’s not ok though and you get worn down. He’s probably lovely sometimes. They all are.

But that’s what he’s done all along anyhow… lol either explicitly tells me he’s going out and I’m not invited bc it’s just guys or just coworkers, or just disappears from day 9pm to noon the next day without any reason. I just assume he’s not a texter and likes space. That’s why I’m trying to be cool right now and prove to him I’m someone who will give him what he needs

This is literally the classic cheater.

He is already talking to someone behind your back and wants to take it further
He wants to have a break from you so that he is free to pursue her
He doesn't want you to have the same freedom to talk to other men
He doesn't want you to tell anyone you're on a break in case it gets back to the woman he intends to sleep with
He wants her to think that you've broken up and he is single
When he's had enough of her he wants to come back to the muppet who tolerates this behaviour
He wants to keep contact going during this time so that he can keep tabs on you

What part of that makes you want to stay with him?

He wants to control you and shut you up. He has started by confusing you by offering a break but he doesn’t want you to sleep
with anyone else or tell anyone else because he’s scared they’ll tell you that he’s a dick. He’s hoping you’ll be so grateful when he decides the break is over that you’ll stop with the requests to find out his whereabouts.

op he’s a drunk driver, for that reason alone I’d dump him and block him.

@Tennisnonpro1123

you need to look closely at what people are telling you

People don’t walk out wanting ‘space’ after arguments, they resolve issues then and there, may take compromise on both parties but it’s sorted.

People dont walk out wanted ‘space’ but get to dictate what you do whilst they are doing whatever they want , how dare he tell you what you can and can’t do

He’s not prepared to work in a relationship following an argument but is happy to leave you hanging while he has his space, which will no doubt be him carrying seeing fiends etc which caused the argument in the first place. And at the same time dictate what you cannot do

Hes not ready for a proper relationship, he’s obviously not going to change so you need to let him go permanently and find someone much better for you

My god. Read this paragraph back to yourself out loud and realise just how you sound?

You need to work on your self respect and self worth.

You are nearly 40 and you’re sitting around waiting for a guy who has no respect for you, you’re on and off with like teenagers and who routinely goes on benders.

So you seriously don't care that this guy could kill someone one day? Seriously? I have no words.

He didn’t tell me not to see other people though, he first volunteered that although he wants some space to just focus on work & cooling off, he is not going to be seeing other people & we aren’t broken up. What does everyone automatically assume he’s a liar? Just bc he does have 3 or 4 liquor drinks or glasses of wine before driving and does drink daily?

Agree with the others, you seem to have very very low self esteem.
You're worth more than this, God being single for the rest of your life would be better than this.

Jesus Christ, OP, get off your knees. This is pathetic. Stop trying to be 'cool' - you don't look cool, you look bloody stupid. What's more he thinks you're stupid too - look what he's getting away with, and you're just sitting there like the good little woman, nodding meekly and hoping that if you bend back far enough he'll realise that you're not actually some back-up doormat but the girl of his dreams.

Wake up. I know this comes over as harsh but seriously, you need to raise your bar way higher than this.

@Tennisnonpro1123

"I’m trying to be cool right now and prove to him I’m someone who will give him what he needs"

The only proof that you require, in your relationship, is that HE will give YOU what you need.

He does not do that, and instead of resolving problems he runs away, as a punishment to you, essentially saying, if you don't like his behaviour he will withdraw, until you go crawling back.

Can you see that @Tennisnonpro1123?

This is not a good relationship for you!

Oh come on. You’re nearly 40 and you’re demeaning yourself to prove your worth to a lying cheating drink driving piece of shit fuckboy. Your bar is literally in the gutter if you think this is a man who is worth the steam off your piss.

The responses are unanimous but you still want to lie down and be his doormat - seriously has this twat got a 12 inch sold platinum cock that ejaculates champagne for you to lower yourself so far?

You can never ‘give him what he needs’ because what he needs is to shag random women without consequence and keep you dangling when there’s nothing else on offer.

I can't believe you got into a car with him when he'd been drinking & that you didn't immediately call the police.

He could kill someone! Disgusting.

You need to have a long hard word with yourself.

I actually don't believe this is true. No one could be this thick.

Actually I think you should stay with him.

You seem well suited. He needs someone he can walk over and you want to be 'cool' and give him what he needs.

It's a win-win situation. You only get one life and it sounds like he's the one for you.

This thread reminds me of yesterdays -
police came through the front sort with a chainsaw as he is is being done for fraud etc
but I love him and want his babies…
this is same shit / different day I reckon !!

I never met my paternal grandfather because he was run over and killed by a drunk driver when my mum was pregnant with me. My dad had to go and identify his body. And I won't divulge what a bloody mess he was in because the post would be removed.

Oh, OP. What about what you need?