What do I do with this request for space?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

My (37F) boyfriend (36M) said he wants space / time to cool off and just be in his own element following a fight we had. As he told me this, he said that does NOT mean dating / talking to other people. He made me agree that I wouldn’t be dating other people either, or telling anybody in our lives that things were rocky. I referenced how I was gonna go no-contact w him during this time so he could have his space, and he was all “omg no you should still contact me.” Huh? My plan is to go no contact as I told him, bc he’s the one asking for space?
The fight was about his recurring pattern of going out without me (says it’s coworkers or the guys so I’m not invited), then disappearing until like noon the next day. Started asking if he could send a single text saying he got home safe; he didn’t. (Whenever we go out he has 3-5 drinks then drives, & sometimes has swerved the car, so I’d have reason to worry). He always blows up at me, curses, & ignores me for days after I say anything about this

This isn’t how relationships should be. You deserve better.

You can’t be seriously asking why?

start at the drink driving and read it back.

My ex husband said that. He was shagging a barmaid in his local and wanted me waiting in the wings just in case it didn’t work out.

To control you, of course. He'll react badly both if you do and if you dont contact him.

We don’t actually know there circumstances to say if he’s a cock lodger.

He is asking for space but then asking for contact… what do you want Op?

God Almighty...OP what aren't you seeing!

If he was someone who consistently behaved in a respectful, honest and reliable way then you'd be justified in thinking that he's telling you the truth now. But he's none of those things. He's a drink-driving, aggressive, manipulative twat.

The kind of person who behaves the way you say he does is exactly the kind of person who will lie to your face about his reasons for wanting a "break".

This is going to be one of those irritating threads where the OP refuses to engage with the red flags being pointed out. It’s very clear from her initial responses.

OP, there's a brilliant book that can help you by Natalie Lue called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

That's why he doesn't want to ditch you - you are the fallback girl. He has you on the back-burner for if his new shag doesn't work out. He doesn't want you going NC because if you did, you might realise that he's a headfuck and make it permanent (which you should).

He doesn't love you - if he did, he wouldn't be drink driving, disappearing etc. Think about it - if you loved and respected someone, would you treat them the way he treats you? He doesn't love or respect you, so he's free to treat you like crap.

And you are going to hang around for more of this treatment because......

Sweetie - he's lying to you. He's telling you he's not going to see other people so you don't suspect that is exactly what he's going to do. He doesn't want YOU to do the same because he's worried that you will immediately find someone who is a lot nicer to you than he is. Which you will, because the competition isn't exactly stellar now, is it?

Absolutely agree. I’ve got the vibe the OP believes every word this dickhead tells her and her rose tinted specs are stopping her seeing the glaring red flags he’s waving under her nose.

Despite every post saying he’s a wrongun, she’ll carry on trying herself in knots while he mugs her off.

I’ll admit, the only advice I was looking for is how long to go before contacting him (he was the one who invited me to keep contacting him even while we’re taking time apart) and what to say

What a treasure he sounds, have some sense woman and throw him back…..he just wants some space to go out with his mates and see if he has any other options ( women) while he has you waiting in the wings for him

Did it honestly not occur to you to dump him? Raise your standards OP!

Forever

Sorry but you're a mug if you can't see him for what he is. Everyone can but you.

I know I sound nasty but this is your life and you're letting him treat you like this!

The correct answer

Please find some self respect. You’re long down like a doormat and begging this dickhead to wipe his feet on you.

You sound like you’re both in your late teens, not mid to late 30s. Time to grow up.

Lying down*

It sounds like he wants to continue doing exactly what he has been doing - his own thing - without hearing complaints about it from you. The drink driving would be enough for me to end the relationship as that’s absolutely diabolical. I wouldn’t associate with a person who did that.

It sounds like he’s getting what he wants from the relationship but you’re not. You don’t have to put up with it.

Do you think he’ll see me differently if I actually do start seeing other men?

You may have been looking for that but the advice you’ve got is better.

He’s a controlling, drunken arsehole already. It will get worse, take it from those who’ve been there already.

Give him all the space in the world, block if necessary and do the Freedom Programme. Otherwise you’ll be back here in ten years, tied down with kids and so wishing you’d paid attention to us !

I wouldn't be going out with a drunk driver for sure.

Stop thinking about how he’ll view you and ask yourself how you actually view him.

Do you really think he is a good man? Do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Do you think he would make a responsible and reliable father?

You need to raise you bar and your self respect and end this teenage relationship.