My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

I agree.

I think she's saying that your DH should also have saved pre maternity leave to make up the shortfall in mat pay.

It shouldn't have all been on you.

Please make sure you match this energy for his birthday. It's not petty. This is how the dynamic of the mums birthday not mattering starts so it's important if you didn't get anything, neither does he.

Oh that's ridiculous that he still hasn't given you your cards. Good grief.

He should have had a card and a present. But I wonder if he's worried about funds at the moment, with the new baby, and grabbed the chance of the extra work?

DO NOT get him a card or present next week! Otherwise he learns nothing! Plan a meal where you celebrate both your birthdays together, like you usually do for the holiday. Next year, 100% make plans with friends or family instead of just him, so he can’t let you down again.

happy birthday! Sorry you didn’t have the celebration you hoped for.

Awh!!! We had the car wash as entertainment as well when they were small. They LOVED it!! you just reminded me of one of our happy memories. DH always grumbled.. You only need a bucket and sponge, but when they were in primary they thought it was thrilling. Thankyou!

Sorry to side track OP.

Could it be that he was doing an extra shift to help pay for present. TBF, weekday birthdays are hard. We usually used to just have something nice to eat ( and you could order your own takeaway) and move it to the weekend to have a family day and cake etc.

You have to set a tradition of this is how its done. Maybe his mum always organised it and he's never had to think of it. (or he's completely thoughtless) but warn him in advance. Say what you want, card, cake, outing etc. and give him a chance to do it properly this weekend.
In the meantime, can you see family or a friend for a playdate? Or Take Yourself and Baby to a nice cafe/ Autumn walk for a treat?

I hope you turn things around. its hard being at home with your first baby in the early days. Hope you get a good nights rest and a lovely bubble bath.
And Happy Birthday x

It's really odd that he bought the cards but didn't write them & give them.

It often seems the way that people make the effort that they want for their OH's birthday doesn't it?

So if Op did nothing for him he might not be bothered.

Neither husband or I are bothered about presents but no card would hurt.

He obviously views you differently now you're a mother OP.

This is the first time he's behaved this way on your birthday, you need to know why. Still hasn't written your card....bloody hell.

Is he being different in other ways?

He apologised = good (if he meant it and was suitably contrite)
He still didn't give you cards/gift = bad (lazy sod)

What will happen on his birthday?

aww why did he take the extra shift on your birthday of all days? Are you really struggling for money? I could maybe understand it then but otherwise he should have said no

My friend did that for me with DS this year. She thought about it for my birthday last year (when he was seven weeks old) but said she thought it would be weird. Meanwhile I was still so out of it I didn't really notice my birthday, as long as I got some nail polish with my birthday money. 😅 I had a dentist appointment as well.

I'd have been upset too. You were looking forward to a cosy night in and a takeaway all day no doubt.

It's the thoughtlessness that would bother me. I'd say there are more important things than money but I don't know your financial situation.

If you ain't gonna post something helpful ,Flip off! Your probably some insensitive kid.

He's a total dumbo for accepting a double shift, let alone calling you to ask, that was your first birthday with your child.

Right sis, this weekend do something special with your baby go out and eat, do something nice, make yourself feel special and see how he feels missing out,that's what I'd do! If he says "so.. it's just you two going out" give him the finger and tell him he deserved it!!

Is this the first time he's done something like this??

His apology is meaningless because he hasn't changed anything. His apology actually meant 'oops, I buggered up, now get over it and let's get back to normal'.

A double shift doesn't mean his hands have fallen off so he can't write a card.

People talking about how OP needs to celebrate with baby, friends and Uncle Tom Cobley are missing the point - he's her husband but he couldn't even be arsed to come home with a takeaway on her birthday. Plus he hadn't written a card or done anything else for her.

OP, tell him he's pissed you off massively by his lack of concern about your birthday, and tell him you expect him to sort out an appropriate celebration of you this weekend.

I would be extremely pissed off if my birthday was ignored like that. It's little considerations like this that factor into making a marriage a success or not.
My marriage was a death by a thousand small cuts. Me making all the effort and him ignoring everything that was important to me and trust me I was quite vocal about it.
It happens slowly over the years but can eventually wreck a marriage. Why would I want to be with someone who can't be arsed every birthday and every xmas and anniversary.
None of us know if that extra shift money was desperately needed or not but the least he could have done was a card and a gift and to arrange something on another day. It's not rocket science.

OP says the money was not needed, just extra savings.

I also think his apology is meaningless.
His priority was money, not you.
He isn't even contributing to your mat leave because you have that covered too.

I think you need to have a good hard look at him and his priorities, because it certainly isn't be kind and considerate of you.

Worst thing you could do was move on from this.

We teach people how to treat us.
You get to decide if this is how you wish to be treated in a relationship.

Don't be one of those martyrs 40 years later.
You have every right to expect better.

Yep that was rubbish of him. But maybe it didn't even occur to him that you'd prefer him to turn down a double shift and just stay home with you for your birthday.

My first Mother's Day was similar. I'd been looking forward to it for days. DD was six months. I got NOTHING. So stayed in bed and cried. An over reaction possibly... my DH was sheepish and surprised and just said I was assuming we weren't going to celebrate that. So wrong!!! So I put him straight and we have celebrated ever since!

So maybe just tell him how upset you were, how it matters to you, and see how he reacts.

Was it a special birthday with a 5 or a 0? Nowadays people make such a fuss about birthdays, in other countries and cultures it is not a big deal. I am sorry if you were very disappointed but you had said you wanted a takeaway so that might have contributed to him thinking it was not so important to you. He was working hard for his family rather than having an easy time so should be given credit for that.

Well, you did say you didn’t want to go out, and he had a chance at a nice bit of extra pay. And, sorry, but men just don’t think ‘days’ are that important. He loves you EVERY day.

Your the Birthday equivalent of Ebenezer Scrooge.

The assumptions people make on here are astounding aren’t they? Most of us can read between the lines a bit and see it’s very normal to spend your birthday with your partner rather than friends once you reach a certain age and you weren’t to know he would agree to work overtime! The same people telling you to see friends for your birthday will be the same ones telling you that you don’t need to celebrate your birthday as an adult! Crazy! I tend to go with what the majority think and try and ignore the ones that make sweeping judgements about me.

He's not a child who needs to be told how to behave, he's a grown arse adult who made a conscious choice to ignore his wife's birthday completely and the plans previously agreed to by him.

He's an unpleasant man and deliberately hurt his wife.