My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

What about if an extra shift comes up on the day of a friend’s wedding? Child’s christening? Christmas Day? Accompanying wife/ child to a serious hospital appointment?
Everyone of those would be a different decision based on the people involved and other factors. There aren't rules or codes of conduct in place.

It would have been better if he asked if she minded moving her birthday to another day and that he should apologise for not realising how significant it was to her. I still don't think it's a big deal either way.

Still in the category of "not ideal" rather than "shitty" or any of the other superlatives that have come his way.

That's an opinion, not a fact.

OP, on MN so many women spend their relationships disappointed and let down by lazy selfish men who can't be arsed.
They should have nipped it firmly in the bud.

My husband came home on our second anniversary to a lovely meal having completely forgotten our anniversary.

He never forgot again.
IMO, women set the tone of the relationship they want.
They need to be very explicit as to what they expect.

Maybe he could have asked her then before overriding their plans? And OP has already said they don’t need the money and she’s still paying half the bills/ mortgage during Mat leave (so he’s no worse off financially than before).

She made clear she wanted to mark her birthday - that should be enough. OP shouldn’t need to beg him to come home or tell him that her birthday is extra special so he should actually stick to their plans…that’s just a given.

Say she had wanted the takeaway, but he saw an amazing restaurant that be thought OP would like and booked it without telling her/ changed the plans without consulting her, he’d be acting unreasonably. Regardless of the intentions behind his actions.

This is the same- he may have been thinking of her when booking the extra shift- but given it was her birthday and they already had plans (no matter how low key), he should have asked her first before booking the shift.

Fair play to him for taking the extra shift. Shame he'll get a slagging here.

I agree with the poster that said why do you want a fake card from your baby signed by your husband.

I'm sorry you feel bad but you could have done something else with your day.

More worried about the Mat Pay contribution….

A PP said For me, I've resolved to make my birthday my special day in future so I'll be treating me, myself and I to avoid any disappointment.

I agree so much with the above. In my fifties, I've come to realise that you just can't rely on others for your happiness. I don't mean that you have to be an island or anything, but that it's really best not to give others so much power over your feelings. It was a hard lesson to learn, that this also applies to your nearest and dearest. I've recently downloaded the audiobook Let Them because it sounds like it's very helpful with that mindset.

OP, I think you have a right to be upset. But I do think you need to talk to him. Just say you wish you hadn't agreed to the shift because you ended up feeling lonely as you were home alone on your birthday evening and it was more rubbish than you'd expected. This way, you're just sharing your feelings instead of accusing him.

And going forward, be more of your own person, at least in terms of your emotions. I went through a hell of a lot in my forties, and I learnt that the only person I could truly rely on was me. Take responsibility for your own happiness including on birthdays. Yes, I know it shouldn't be this way, but it is. Take it from someone who's been let down more times than I've had hot dinners. This won't be the last time you're disappointed by someone close, but hopefully you can learn to see that it's a failing in them, not you; be glad that you don't have such embarrassing personality traits, and make yourself happy.

This is why I think almost all of them are wankers. You’ll always get people blaming you on here but I bet you put more effort into his BD. It’s not difficult to make sure you write a card the night before and leave it for you. I don’t know the money situation but again, he could have said ‘I promise I’ll make it up to you on xxxx day’. With regards to staying in, you probably wouldn’t have had you known in advance that he was going to stay at work and taking a baby out isn’t that much fun is it? The only advice I have is to return the energy. My OH did nothing one year and I was furious and so hurt, he of course said that he never asked for all the stuff that I do for him - cake, cards, presents etc. Just the usual BS men say to get out of the responsibility and if course he had NEVER said ‘you don’t need to do all this for me’ because they take take take. So now I just do the minimum, it is his birthday next week and he is getting one gift of similar value to what he bought me (I actually keep a note on my phone now so I don’t forget how much to spend / how much effort to put in) I also make sure I do something for myself on that day now because I’ve learnt not to rely on him doing anything.

Except you said “it's really not unreasonable to earn some extra money as a priority” and that he was doing the right thing taking the extra shift. Now it depends on people and factors involved?

His not realising a birthday is significant/ important to OP (which tbh is basic emotional awareness), is not an excuse to be flakey. He shouldn’t have agreed to the takeaway if he didn’t see the commitment as a big deal.

It is shitty behaviour to renege on commitments, and treat plans as flexible in case a better offer to comes along. If you think it’s just not a big deal, you may need to reflect on how considerate you are of others in your life.

Except you said “it's really not unreasonable to earn some extra money as a priority” and that he was doing the right thing taking the extra shift. Now it depends on people and factors involved?
I don't think that's a contradiction. In this instance it wasn't unreasonable, in my opinion. In other circumstances it might or might not be.

You aren't going to convince me he's behaved terribly, sorry! I've said it's not great, I don't think it's any worse than that.

I think it’s a sign to have a life outside of your husband. Get some friends to do stuff with.

Me too…. Nothing wrong with a man being focused on his work and money (especially with a baby). But why is OP funding her own maternity leave?

Men want it both ways these days - To act the provider with the big job whilst their wife still pays 50% of everything AND does the majority of housework and childcare.

Not saying this is having in OP’s case - but there is a big discord in his actions

Woo is me! He’s self employed, no doubt you spend the rest of the time worrying about money! A birthday is a birthday and unless it was a special one it’s just another day!

I have a fantastic group of friends, I just made the initial choice to spend my birthday evening with my husband and daughter and my husband chose to work. This was never a post about not having friends or a life 😂

Im fortunate enough to be in a job that pays well enough that I can still contribute to household bills and have some disposable income, the reason I continue to do this is so that my husband doesn’t feel the pressure to work all the time to make ends meet and can spend time with his family, hence no significant reason to pick up an extra shift on Tuesday evening.

That was shit of your husband. There are lots of people on Mumsnet who come onto these threads and make it seem like you're a child for expecting a fuss made of your birthday or that you need to lay out your expectations exactly in advance, or why on earth would your first birthday as a mother be something special. In any family I know, a birthday is a day to show someone you love how special they are to you and how loved they are.
I would make it clear to your husband how upset you are and would do the exact same back to him e.g. decide at the last minute that you're doing something else in the evening and can't celebrate with him. No present, no cards, no dinner, nothing.

You’re not being overly sensitive at all, that sounds really hurtful. Birthdays don’t need to be a big deal but it’s about feeling thought of, especially your first one since becoming a mum. Even a takeaway and a card would’ve shown he’d made the effort. I’d talk to him about how it made you feel, otherwise he might think it was fine and carry on the same way next time.

@Ejx22 do you get 100% salary throughout maternity leave, otherwise surely your contribution to bills should reduce by the reduction of your salary? Pre maternity do you earn the same salary?

two bitter people, who no one has ever done anything nice for then :)

I earn 90% of my normal salary, however pre-maternity leave I was able to put a large sum of savings away each month, so I’m not living on any less than I was pre-baby

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP! it sounds like he is normally good at celebrating your birthday, so I'd be worried that there is something else going on.

I don't want to be a downer, but some men struggle with the new dynamic of having a child and start to feel jealous and resentful of the attention you give the child, and not to them, it's ridiculous when you think about it but I've seen it happen with my own eyes, obviously a child that young needs your time and attention, so it's nothing you are doing wrong and definitely shouldn't change anything, but it could be a sign of a deeper problem that hasn't quite come to the surface yet.

I hope he was just thoughtless on this one occasion, but I think you should keep an eye on it, the person I'm talking about used to use very subtle ways to 'punish' his wife for (his words) 'pushing him out', he'd ignore her when she was talking or be dismissive in tone and conversation, nothing too bad in the grand scheme of things but what has happened here, him choosing to work when he doesn't need to, at the last minute too so you don't make other plans, and 'not getting round' to doing your cards, which is a bare minimum to be honest, just reminds me of the petty bullshit he used to do all the time to make a point to her, that if she was going to 'neglect' him, he was purposely going to 'neglect' her.. it was horrible for her as she had done nothing at all to deserve it and couldn't do anything to change it.

I really hope that's not the case, but you should think about mentioning how disappointed you are at his lack of effort to give him chance to buck his ideas up, and definitely keep a close eye on things.

I also didn’t ask them once I knew husband was working as I was a little humiliated and upset that I’d been let down.

Perhaps you should have asked them?

No need to feel humiliated as birthdays are often celebrated on another day.

Do you think they would have been finding fault with him for working?

The bigger thing for me would be no cards or present if that's what you usually do.

I'd be disappointed, but understand that presumably finances are going to be boosted.
A takeaway is not a huge plan.

I don't even remember the first birthday I had after having DS. I get more excited for his, and to be honest, trying to give DH a good day considering his is 1 Jan....

I think you should be more assertive here OP...,
It's probably not in your character, but
tell him that it was a shame you were'nt able to celebrate your birthday on the day ( ie don't blame him, so no argument).
Work out what you want to do next weekend. Tell him that's what you want to happen.
Tell him he needs to sign the birthday cards. Ask him if he has a pen to hand . Tell him where to find one if not but don't give him one.
Make sure any necessary bookings are done in advance.
If it's a little expensive, don't worry. He can always pick up sn extra shift.
Start as you mean to go on.
Repeat annually and he may even get the message in a few years!

PS No need to LTB 🤣

Not read the full thread but did you get any gifts or a nice card from your husband?

Treat your husband's birthday the same way in future.