My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

Because making memories with my family is something I consider important. I’ve learnt to love more than ever this year since becoming a mum, that being reciprocated by my husband for a few hours in an evening is all I asked for.

Hi OP,

Your husband has been thoughtless and had tunnel vision on providing for the family rather than spending quality time with you. My husband is exactly the same. He is self employed and when work comes in he jumps at it, even if he’s already taken on enough that year.

He won’t have taken a second thought as to how this may make you feel as his priority right now is work and in his eyes you can get a takeaway any old day. I TOTALLY sympathise with you because I would feel the exact same and so annoyed. But looking at the situation as someone whose husband is very similar, I know it’s not him being mean or something worth having a huge row over, it’s just complete thoughtlessness. It’s worth maybe sending a message explaining your feelings if that helps you word things better or calmly talking face to face and telling him he needs to make it up to you.

It’s a case of what’s done is done now. He needs to make this up to you and understand why it was a crappy move! But at the same time, I can see why his mindset led him to make that decision as he got excited about work coming in.

Sending lots of love as a fellow new mama who has a husband exactly the same as this! I love him to bits but he can be a bit silly sometimes! X

You make memories all the time, it doesn't have to be on set dates. It was a bit inconsiderate but I wouldn't build it into something more than it is. It's just a birthday and there will be more.

This man should be met with the exact same energy for his special days. No cards, no cake, no time. When he asks why, let him know you didn’t think he did this anymore.

Sorry I quoted the wrong post, apologies I will try to fix it now.

Have you seen ‘The Little Prince’ film? Your post reminded me of that.

Sounds like a great day out!🥳😆

It's not about the takeaway food, it's about the husband not making an effort of any sort. This is the OPs future. If she has to 'manage' him to spend quality time with her then things have gone wrong. This is her wake up call.

She did say it "should have been one of the most special". I, and many people, possibly including her husband, hadn't previously considered that anyone would think their birthday is more special now they have a child. I still don't get why it is and I don't think it's reasonable for the husband to be berated for not thinking so either.

Ok. Remove the child from the equation. His behaviour is STILL shitty…

@Ejx22 Happy Birthday

I have to agree with this but I would also be assuring the OP that they would celebrate in some way when time allows, perhaps in the daytime when the baby can be with them too.

Your DH was incredibly thoughtless to choose a work shift over spending the evening of your birthday with you. I hope you have made your feelings clear, and he is planning ways to make it up to you!

It’s about clear expectations and communication. They don’t usually make a big deal of birthdays, so how is the husband supposed to know that this one was so important to the OP?

This could’ve easily gone the other way… ‘DH turned down a double shift in favour of having a takeaway just because it was my birthday. We don’t even usually do anything for my birthday and could easily have had the takeaway another day.’

Solidarity. A similar scenario happened to me a few weeks ago worsened by the fact that I'd spent a ridiculous amount of money on a birthday trip for him the month before. There's no excuses really especially if he'd made your previous birthdays special and that's what your expectations are based on.

For me, I've resolved to make my birthday my special day in future so I'll be treating me, myself and I to avoid any disappointment.

Hope you had a lovely birthday regardless.

I don't think so. Less than ideal but hardly a big deal. He was working, not ditching her for other people. Unless he's also refusing to do anything to celebrate the next available day it's really not unreasonable to earn some extra money as a priority.

She may have said that, but she asked for her husband to get a takeaway with her. Not an “extra special” demand really is it? And her husband is not being berated for not thinking or treating her to something more special than previous years. He’s being berated for not making any effort to do the very simple thing she wanted from him. He couldn’t even manage a card or small present for his wife. No quality time, no gift, nothing. Not sure where “more special” comes into it. She just wanted her birthday to be marked by her spouse.

Feel free to treat other people like they don’t matter/ reduce your own value in order to make other people’s lack of consideration bearable - but OP doesn’t need to put up with that. She should make her reasonable expectations clear and her husband should make an effort to meet them if he values and loves her.

Yeah clearly not ideal or nice from your hubby who should have at the very least written the card. Did he really need to take the shift as you really needed the money? I presume if you were working you are on mat leave and he may have felt he was doing the right thing by taking the extra shift?

Whose priority though? They don’t need extra money. OP’s priority on her birthday was getting a takeaway with her husband. How was it his sole call to decide that earning extra money was more important?

What level of engagement/ commitment is it acceptable to ditch in order to earn extra money when money isn’t tight? Is earning unneeded extra money a priority over celebrating a significant birthday? What about if an extra shift comes up on the day of a friend’s wedding? Child’s christening? Christmas Day? Accompanying wife/ child to a serious hospital appointment?

Your husband was working and earning money for you and his family. I still remember the first birthday I spent at home with my baby (many years ago) and how I missed going out for drinks with the people at work and being made a fuss of. I think your husband demonstrated his love for you by taking an extra shift. Make up for it this weekend with some family time. And happy birthday.

You need to tell him that you're upset and arrange something for the weekend

Who is the effort for if it's not for income for the family, which includes her? I doubt if he was doing extra work for his own enjoyment. Maybe he thought she'd appreciate the effort? Maybe they need the extra money? Maybe work is hard to come by for him? Anyway, it seems clear that he didn't realize how important this birthday was to her. She needs to make it clear to him.

Does he have form for not liking when the attention is on you, OP, or was it just him not thinking?

Some PP are making a big deal about how he took the extra shift to “provide” for his wife and child. But OP is still contributing 50% of the bills even on maternity leave - so he’s not the sole or main provider. Men’s jobs aren’t intrinsically more important than women’s - it all depends on who is the breadwinner.

How cross I would be (if at all) would depend on the following:

1. Where the extra money is going. OP said into savings but is it really going to “provide” or is it into a fund DH will draw on for his own hobbies, etc; and

2. Will he subsequently plan something for your birthday - make a nice meal and give you your presents, etc?

Whaaat?

Just a day? It's not just a day - it's the day OP was born, which should be VERY important to her husband! Without this day, he wouldn't even have his baby, apart from anything else!

The fake card would be very sweet. He should have made a fuss because OP has worked very hard during the past year having the baby, and taking care of him/her in the intense newborn stage. And I bet the baby would like a card to be arranged on their behalf, if they could speak.

I don't understand such joylessness, and I hope you are OK.

I'm not big on birthdays, I see no point in a card, but it's the thought that counts, and there was no thought here. I would be disappointed in him.

It's actually one of the reasons I'm training my children to buy each other and me birthday presents/make a cake. Nothing big, just put a modicum of thought in to getting something for someone on their birthday like a caring human. The little things make a difference