My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

Thank you for the kind responses, I think sometimes it’s just nice to have your feelings validated.
I did take my little girl to her sensory class yesterday and a walk afterwards, my family were aware me and hubs were supposed to be having an evening in therefore didn’t come round - I also didn’t ask them once I knew husband was working as I was a little humiliated and upset that I’d been let down.
thankfully money isn’t an issue, I have a good Mat pay which has allowed me to continue to contribute to 50% of the household bills, hubby did an extra shift for savings which I’m grateful for (however any other day of the year other than my birthday is preferable lol).
we've been together since we were 15 and he’s always been very good with birthdays which is why I’m so hurt this year!
Thank you again for kind responses

Ok dokey so it’s crap and should have been a nice day for your first birthday as a mum, but look, you’re say u don’t know what to do going forward? ? are you going to split your family up over this? Ur husband is thoughtless but maybe there’s more to it than u know and it’s not all about you? Maybe he is stressing about money, he must be thinking you need it if he actually took the overtime (only reason folk do it right) It’s only a birthday, get over it, enjoy the fact you actually have a baby to celebrate with and u lived to see another birthday, all pretty good reasons to celebrate with or without a husband ( or a bloody card that cost a tree and will sit in your loft in a box till u die then be binned). Lighten up or ltb

You pay for 50% of everything even on maternity Wow he really is a prince!

Exactly, why did she need to be sat in all day, is she not allowed out without her husband

It sounds like it’s her choice to pay it !

Please see above post, I did go out with my baby in the day, I meant I spent the evening in by myself.

Happy Birthday @Ejx22 Hopefully he'll make up for it the following day x

It IS rubbish. He knew the evening was to be just you two and the baby, and knowing that it’d be too late for you to arrange something else (midweek) he still opted to bail. The extra shift wouldn’t cut it for me, and it’s crappy that he wasn’t organised enough to even have a card for you in the morning. Sorry you’d a lonely evening. Bottom line is, you don’t not show up for your own spouse’s birthday.

Unless you have very good maternity pay you should not be having to still contribute 50% to shared bills. Make sure you do not get sucked into still continuing to split expenses even.y whilst on maternity leave and to paying for childcare costs once you are back at work assuming you go back. Maternity leaves and childcare costs should be split evenly between both partners.

If you aren’t struggling financially I would be annoyed your husband worked overtime leaving you alone on your birthday. Personally I would have gone round to spend it with family. It is your husband who should be embarrassed at being such a rubbish partner. Let him know you are upset and give him a chance to put it right. If this is a sign of times to come I would be concerned.

It is rubbish. Do you think he remembered it was your birthday and decided to work instead, or is it possible that in the middle of a busy workday he completely forgot and just said yes to the extra shift? I can imagine doing the second one myself and then feeling awful afterwards.
Why didn’t you say to him, ‘ but what about my birthday?’

Well you know what to do.

Ignore his birthday, father's Day, Xmas etc. no acknowledgement, no card, no presents, no special food. It's just another day.

She did go out? Why are you slyly asking if she’s allowed to go out without her husband?

Just in case you’re an alien that has landed from outer space, and not totally devoid of human empathy and reading comprehension, I think she was hoping her husband would celebrate her birthday with her.

I think I’d sit him down tomorrow and say ‘the following are non-negotiable - you do not miss birthdays, you do not forget Mother’s Day, and we are setting these down as a family so that your child(ren) knows that Dad will always show up when it matters.’

Calm down you numpty….it was very obvious I hadn’t seen the updated post, any fool would have guessed that and not wasted their time writing the drivel you wrote

I'm older and I can understand why you're upset.

Me? I would have been happy for the extra shift = extra money, and had a nice relaxed evening ordering a delivery.

Comment is valid as are other people's opinions.
I feel similar.

Then count yourself among the miserable. It's a really poor attitude. All you are doing is invalidating the OP's feelings.

Christ.

but at the very leastfrom the baby because obviously baby can't pop to the shops and buy a card and then write in said card on their own

well, yes, and that’s exactly why a card pretending to be from a baby is weird. We got Mother’s day/Father’s Day/Xmas cards from our kids once they started in preschool as they did it there as class activity. But it was real (you could tell, as was spectacularly shit in the way only 3yo card/handmade gift of painted macaroni necklace can be🤣). If DH had of given me a card/gift pretending the baby had done it, I would have delivered him to a suitable facility post haste for assessment as that’s dubious in sound mind territory. Thankfully never had to deal with it😁.

We don’t do Hallmark celebrations anyway though. We always did full on birthdays for kids, then when they reached high school they got a talk re evils of Hallmark fakery and we cut it out. We all get each other gifts though at different times if we spot something someone would like/needs, it’s just spontaneous not driven by a calendar. ETA - we also do nice cake/afternoon tea here and there but as the desire takes us/someone sees a nice cake or afternoon tea they would like to get, it’s just not driven by a particular date, so no fear of missing cake in our household!

He should have declined the extra shift and said sorry it’s my wife’s bday. That is particularly mean on someone’s bday to make plans and then cancel leaving someone sat in alone. Not even like you could message a friend as you had the baby. I’d be arranging something at the weekend with a friend, and in future, wouldn’t rely on him. I’d also have to say something, that you were disappointed that he chose to work overtime on your bday when you had plans. That’s not ok.

Well there we go, I rest my case. Thank you for making it so easy with your delightful response.

Have you told him op that actually you feel totally shit you did nothing on your birthday, and you didn’t want to tell your family that your husband had cancelled his evening with his wife on her birthday to work a double shift because they would know how shit that is and their sympathy would just have tipped you over the edge, plus they’d judge him and you don’t want your family to judge him, but you are really sad he couldn’t in any way show you he cared on your birthday? Tell him!!

and if he says you said I could do the double shift, you say no, you called and told me you were doing it. But if you had asked if probably have said yes in shock. I don’t want to have to remind you it’s my birthday!!! You’re not some random I haven’t seen in a couple of years who can’t be expected to know!

totally crap for you. So sorry

Firstly, he was working and this in itself is a good excuse

secondly he has the card and gift but has not had time to write

has he fucked up? Yes
is it marriage ending ? No
it’s only a birthday, and sadly as we get older and become parents they do get sidelined

if you want a big deal making you have to be clear and set time for it.

organise your own day next year and see your friends and family - if he can’t do the actual day then get a date booked in with him separately - then he can organise

when you have a child you need to make the effort to keep your circle big and keep in touch with friends / still work / have hobbies outside the family as your world can easily shrink

he is only one person who has not made it back for a take away and chosen to earn more money for your family - I understand his choice.

you should communicate about how important your birthday is to you and your expectations for next year

Also sometimes it’s hard to refuse to help out at work when they need you- however, I would book an actual date to celebrate with him and let him spoil you

do not seek revenge to forget or spoil his or you will set a precedent. Talk about it like adults, calmly and tell him you’re hurt.

i have had to be kept on at work for so many times like this and therefore try to book leave- which isn’t always possible.

Also no one has the perfect relationship so it’s ok to tell your parents and invite them over- they may have had similar things happen to them- if I was your mum I would just want to come and celebrate with you and not hold it against him