My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

It is shit. The only thing I wanted in my birthday was a card to « mummy » from my baby. That was it. Husband got a generic card and added (and baby) and write he’d remember for Christmas. I bought my own card to give myself from the baby, it felt shit but I needed it,

I kind of agree with this, sorry. I don't think one should be waiting to be made a fuss about. Esp adults. All the fussing about birthdays should be left for the children imo. You could have gone out with your little one and got a coffee and something for your little one to eat , done something together to make your first birthday since having your dd feel special. I don't think you should have waited home until your dh came home to make a fuss about your birthday. Priorities should change when you have children imo.

If this was your worst birthday, you don’t have much to worry about. Sorry, but it’s just another day.

I understand why you are disappointed @Ejx22 - and I really hope you are not going to push the boat out for his birthday next week...

And No, he didnt ruin it. You allowed your day to be ruined by your expectations, without actually doing something with your baby to mark your first birthday since motherhood -esp as it seems to matter so much to you.

It’s already done but please don’t let the childcare and maternity costs be wholly borne by you. You both should have saved up for maternity leave, not just you. You shouldn’t have to shield an equal partner from the realities and financial impact of children.

When you go back to work, it’s better if nursery deposits, childminder fees, children clothing, activities, presents etc are shared costs. They should be split proportionately to income similar to bills.

Too many women fall in the trap of initially funding child-related costs (starting during maternity leave) and then find over time as the childcare costs increase/ their income decreases, that they live a poorer lifestyle to their husband, and have significantly less disposable income. If this becomes the norm, it will be hard to change the status quo and your husband may become resentful when finally asked to contribute to childcare and maternity costs after years of not feeling the financial impact of parenting.

Please see a previous post - I went out with my baby in the day. My point is me and my husband made plans in the evening and he chose to work after making those plans.

Sorry not sure where this has come from, all of our finances are split 50/50 from our joint account. The point with finances is that he did not need to pick up that shift, I contribute to bills equally so any money from extra shifts is disposable income and goes towards savings

Sounds like he's working hard to bring home bacon, and was thoughtless.

You can certainly mention to him gently, and I wouldn't take it personally.

Happy Birthday- I feel for you - l’ve been married over 40 years and my husband never fails to disappoint me with his lack of thought for my birthday - l don’t want a brass band and stuff but it would be nice to have just one day that was a little different to every other day - also it can rub off on your children that you aren’t worth any effort and aren’t valued - don’t let them be that person.

This is exactly what I said to my husband last night, I don’t want my daughter to think that money is more important than the way you make people feel. She’s only 6 months old but those are the sorts of values I want her to grow up around. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be a thoughtful person

How did your husband respond when you told him how you feel?

Go out with your friends next Tuesday and leave him stay in on his own on his birthday minding the baby!

He said he didn’t think I would be that bothered, then said the job he did was a shambles so he wishes he hadn’t bothered anyway. He did apologise however I still haven’t had my cards off him and my birthday was 2 days ago now

Loads of responses to this thread show me why the bar set for men seems to be in hell. Women would honestly be happy with their partner not even getting them a fricking card and acknowledging their birthday as a new mum? Making plans for a takeaway and then just cancelling because they feel like it? OP confirmed they are not in financial difficulty so he did just feel like it.,

Just because you lot have no standards for the men in your life, don’t put that on OP and make her feel crazy.

OP, you need to communicate with him that this is not good enough. Because it really isn’t and you deserve better. Plenty of men manage to treat their partners well on their birthday. It’s not asking too much for a card to be written the night before and a bloody takeaway. People here acting like you asked for the moon on a stick 🤣🤣

He could have written the card out on time, and left you some chocolates or whatever. It doesn’t need to be expensive, just an I love you. My OH doesn’t do birthdays, and it makes me sad, as he’s awkward about them for some reason. I’m more bothered that he doesn’t do them for the kids. It’s not about any kind of gift- just a preparation to celebrate you just for an hour each year. But hey just treat yourself to a lovely bath when he gets home.

It’s nice to acknowledge your partner as a parent while your children are too little to do it. I’ve always bought a card from the baby and vice versa and when they are old enough encouraged them to make one. She’s not asking too much and yes she did go out with baby if you bothered to read the thread…

Ignore the people waffling on about the double shift etc. Like I said I don’t even live with the person I am seeing but what he couldn’t even drop a card through my letterbox. You know what fuck him yes I was put out as I got a bullshit excuse at Christmas about my present. I don’t have much to lose so he’s going in the bin.

I knew that we were going to end really soon when my ex was "too busy" to get me anything for Christmas (our DS was 2 weeks old but I had bought him presents) and for my birthday but had managed to treat his mate to a evening out for his birthday. It just showed contempt.

Birthdays are really important to me, mine and others.

Did you TELL him you would rather he not do the shift? If yes, then YANBU. If no, then YABU.

Looks like Mr Husband will be getting sweet fuck all for his birthday, then.

This!!! I think your expectations were low tbh, OP, and he hasn't met them or even given you a card, even now?? WTF.

Time at the very least to have a chat about taking you for granted.

Setting your expectations out clearly now will benefit you in the future with this relationship. It’s possible he’s just a selfish prick but it’s also possible that birthdays aren’t a big deal to him, which is why you must communicate with him what you expect in the future. Just a conversation saying that you’re alone with the baby and that you would love if he’d sent you flowers and made an effort to either come home to be with you, or make plans for another day to make you feel special. Sometimes small things are all we need: like before he went to work he could lay out a card and a cake or something for you until he can be with you. It took me years to get through to my ex regarding birthdays. He got it in the end but he didn’t realise or understand how lonely it can be when you have small children or how much that special bit of attentions means when it’s your birthday.

OP, yanbu.
Money is not tight, this was not one of those choices.
He made a poor choice and you have every right to make that clear.
Too often women don't kick up a fuss and suffer in martyred silence for decades.
Screw that.
My father was a narcissistic twat, but even he remembered and gifted my mother on her birthday and anniversary.

@Ejx22 are you planning to go back part-time?