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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband ruined my birthday

240 replies

Ejx22 · 24/09/2025 21:26

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
TheDoraMilaje · 26/09/2025 04:27

It’s never just a day. It’s your day and this is a sign of things to come. Don’t suffer in silence, tell him how it made you feel. Don’t lower your expectations because some people on here say you could have it worse. The bar is truly in hell for some of you.

Nanatobethatsme46 · 26/09/2025 07:58

Its happened to me when my youngest was a baby we had planned to go out for an early evening meal to celebrate ( with the baby)
I was looking forward to it as we never go out
Anyway he had to work and we didnt do anything, never even rearranged its just one of those things
When only 1 is working ( i was on mat leave) you have to take the hours to make the money
Im not really too bothered about doing stuff for my birthdays these days .no expectations = no disappointment :)

TheFella · 26/09/2025 08:29

Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/09/2025 21:44

This is a shitty comment. Maybe it wouldn't matter to you, but OP was clearly hoping her DH would be romantic and thoughtful about it.

I agree! I still buy cards for my teenage kids to give to my wife on her birthday! They write them, obviously, but it is all about the gesture and thought that goes into it.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 26/09/2025 08:37

sandyhappypeople · 25/09/2025 23:53

Are people's bars for relationships set so low that they don't even expect a card on their birthday? I can't really think of any other reason why people are telling OP how she is supposed to feel about her husbands COMPLETE lack of effort, it's quite sad to be honest.

She's allowed to feel disappointed, people saying it is 'just a day' are completely missing the point.. she wasn't asking for a brass band, or a weekend in Paris.. she was expecting a CARD from her husband and new baby and be able to spend the night together enjoying a take away!! He didn't even ask her if she minded that he worked, he just decided on the day and didn't even bother to write her cards out.. if people think that level of disregard is acceptable in a relationship then I feel quite sorry for them.

Sounds like it is all sorted now, but I don't blame OP one bit for being disappointed.

My DH and I have been very happily married for 20 years and have raised two children together. We never get each other cards on Birthdays or even presents. We treat ourselves to a meal out or a weekend away. We show each other love in other ways, we don't need to give each other cards and gifts to show this. Does this mean my bar is low?

Not everyone gives a crap about Birthdays in this way, we certainly don't and we certainly don't get upset if we don't get a card.

I understand however that not every relationship is like ours and that some people want effort and cards and I accept that.

No need to bash those of us who couldn't give a crap about it and tell us that WE are wrong in how we feel.

HoppingPavlova · 26/09/2025 09:36

Are people's bars for relationships set so low that they don't even expect a card on their birthday? I can't really think of any other reason why people are telling OP how she is supposed to feel about her husbands COMPLETE lack of effort, it's quite sad to be honest

@sandyhappypeople It’s got nothing to do with a low bar for relationships, and is not sad. Not everyone buys into this bullshit, and if you don’t, that’s valid. We have been married for decades and don’t celebrate adult birthdays, Xmas or any commercialised ‘date’ enforced on us, never gave, never will. We do get each other gifts though, but organically, not because a specific date in a calendar has forced us into it. We believe it’s much more meaningful. It’s just like saying anyone who doesn’t do things our way way has a low bar and is sad, but we wouldn’t say that, because we are not dicks.

sandyhappypeople · 26/09/2025 09:53

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 26/09/2025 08:37

My DH and I have been very happily married for 20 years and have raised two children together. We never get each other cards on Birthdays or even presents. We treat ourselves to a meal out or a weekend away. We show each other love in other ways, we don't need to give each other cards and gifts to show this. Does this mean my bar is low?

Not everyone gives a crap about Birthdays in this way, we certainly don't and we certainly don't get upset if we don't get a card.

I understand however that not every relationship is like ours and that some people want effort and cards and I accept that.

No need to bash those of us who couldn't give a crap about it and tell us that WE are wrong in how we feel.

My post was in response to people guilting OP for feeling disappointed, IMO a card is the very bare minimum of birthday celebrations, if zero effort is going into it from her husband on anything else then a card is the very least he can do, it is all OP actually wanted, and he 'didn't get round to writing them out'.

There are people on here telling OP it is just a day and she is ridiculous for expecting anything or wanting to celebrate it in any way!! So if you get absolutely nothing on your birthday from your DH, no presents, no flowers, no consideration, no weekend away, no holiday, no effort whatsoever and not even the bare minimum of a card, and he arranges to be out the whole day from morning till night without asking you then yes, I feel sorry for those people who's relationship bars are so low that their DH just treats their birthday like any other day and disregards them completely.. I'm not bashing them, but they certainly have no right to tell OP she is 'wrong' for wanting more than that.

You have a MUTUALLY agreed holiday, instead of gifts and cards, as your celebrations.. so isn't even remotely related to what OP is upset about, you may not 'give a crap' about cards, but the point you are missing is that OP DOES GIVE A CRAP! All she wanted in fact, was a card from DH and baby and to spend a low key evening with her husband and he couldn't even be bothered.

People should stop telling her she's ridiculous for feeling disappointed.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2025 11:58

OP. It's great that you've talked, sorted it and are going to have a nice holiday.

However.

I think you should follow this up and say to him that he can still get you a card, a small present, a small birthday cake for a birthday tea with your DD, and a take away that evening... on one of the holiday days... so that your birthday does actually take place...

And say after all. You will be doing the same for him.

Children just love family birthdays. They love getting involved and helping choose things and they love the candles and cake. I know she's only 1 but she would still enjoy the candles and singing. Get a cheap birthday banner or similar from the card shop for your DD to enjoy. Its a nice thing for your DD to take part in and she would get to do it twice.

Then it sets a real tradition for next year. Although of course you will be giving him a months notice ( although as its so close to his own birthday he really shouldn't need it)

Have a lovely hols x

Lucy2586 · 26/09/2025 12:56

My ex would always do weird things on my birthday. For example disappear no contact all day then turn up with a bottle of champagne. He knew I hated champagne. Oh but when it was his he’d go on about it for a week! Part of why he is an ex weird narcissist type.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/09/2025 17:22

TheFella · 26/09/2025 08:29

I agree! I still buy cards for my teenage kids to give to my wife on her birthday! They write them, obviously, but it is all about the gesture and thought that goes into it.

You obv appreciate how these gestures speak volumes and are so easy. 🩷

Baggyit · 26/09/2025 17:52

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2025 11:58

OP. It's great that you've talked, sorted it and are going to have a nice holiday.

However.

I think you should follow this up and say to him that he can still get you a card, a small present, a small birthday cake for a birthday tea with your DD, and a take away that evening... on one of the holiday days... so that your birthday does actually take place...

And say after all. You will be doing the same for him.

Children just love family birthdays. They love getting involved and helping choose things and they love the candles and cake. I know she's only 1 but she would still enjoy the candles and singing. Get a cheap birthday banner or similar from the card shop for your DD to enjoy. Its a nice thing for your DD to take part in and she would get to do it twice.

Then it sets a real tradition for next year. Although of course you will be giving him a months notice ( although as its so close to his own birthday he really shouldn't need it)

Have a lovely hols x

Agreed.
You are always a rock of sense😁.
My children loved birthdays in this house....it was all about food, the special meal, the baking....which I did!

Even now as adults they are all about THEY are so looking forward to my or my husbands, anniversary, birthday...because of the...... food.
Ditto mothers or fathers day.

In my next life I am definitely coming back as a shit cook and baker😁

dontforgetme · 26/09/2025 17:58

My birthday was also 23rd op and it was also crap! My dp did come home but was on the phone all night still working! Happy belated Birthday, have a lovely trip to Cornwall x

lostfather666 · 26/09/2025 18:26

Has no friends myself dont get on with family so I know how you feel

Sadworld23 · 29/09/2025 04:22

Hrft but expectation v reality are often different.
His perspective - earn extra cash for sahm and DC.
Yours come home and do something special.

Sorry it was rubbish, likely there will be more rubbish birthdays in the future especially with small DC who need looking after.

Do nice things for you, don't expect others to make you happy

Missj25 · 29/09/2025 09:51

rwalker · 24/09/2025 21:53

A new baby to pay for ,mat leave and being self employed I’m sorry but my priority would be the double shift

That’s because you’re a boy , we’re girls & think completely different to you 😂…

On a more serious side , I completely get what you’re saying , I’m sure OPS husband will make it up to her …

MinnieMountain · 29/09/2025 11:46

@rwalker you’ve missed that OP is on maternity leave on 90% pay from her decently paying job.

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