My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

Did he get you a present? Sounds very low effort to have not even got round to writing a card- takes all of 2 minutes to do that. Not really good enough

It’s one shift and very unlikely to change anything, I feel sad for you op what a miserable way to spend your birthday,

I would ask him to repeat your birthday on his day off, and it’s his job to make it special - give him a list of ideas how he can make this up to you.

I genuinely wouldn’t accept this, and nor should you op. You are not being overly sensitive.

He could have ordered a take away to be delivered.

"I get that the extra shift means more money for our new family, but just because we've got a child doesn't mean we stop being thoughtful towards each other. I don't expect a huge fuss, but surely a couple of cards and a treat for my birthday isn't too much to ask. Can we do something at the weekend to make up for it?"

It's a bit rubbish but not that big a deal. He was working, he wasn't out getting pissed with other people. I suspect plenty of people would have thought he would be irresponsible not to take the opportunity for extra money while you're on mat leave.

I don't get why it would be a special birthday because you have a baby but I'm with PPs on the fake card from children who can't write yet or comprehend anything pretty weird.

People saying this is okay, it’s just a day and he was right to prioritise the double shift set the marriage bar very low. Even if he decided to work he could have had cards, a gift, a promise of a celebration at a later date. I bet you pull out all the stop on his birthday? It’s crap. Tell him.

What a horrid comment. Maybe your standards are set that low, but most people want their loved ones to put an effort in on their birthday. I’m sorry if nobody has ever made an effort for you.

I’d be really disappointed op. Unless money is ridiculously tight now and that extra shift was really needed, but he should have still made an effort elsewhere if that were the case.

Have a good talk with him, it’s not about gifts it’s how you felt. It’s nice to feel valued and appreciated and loved.
I am not into birthdays but I had a terrible birthday one year, and I got very upset, and it did not happen again.

Good luck

Make up a memo of how you feel on paper either typed or written with all the details. Put it to one side for future reference. When he has his birthday, do the same back to him. When he gets shitty about you forgetting give him the memo. Nuff said. Be brave, be bold and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Not to invalidate your feelings, but I think you may need to adjust your expectations slightly.

My husband and I never really celebrate our birthdays on the day itself, we do something on the weekend after usually.

With work and kids, and admin and housework etc, we're just both exhausted!

I agree your husband should have checked in with you before accepting the shift though.

I understand why OP is upset, but maybe better to have a birthday celebration at the weekend? Best not to fixate on the actual day.
One card from the husband would be enough , you don’t need one from a y6 month old when it obvious isn’t, but you didn’t even get that.

The work thing wouldn’t bother me, he’s self employed and had the chance to earn extra money but not writing the birthday cards is just lazy and thoughtless and I would find that hurtful.

Why does it matter if its the first birthday after giving birth?
Why should it be the most special?

I really dont understand people like yourself. You've been in a relationship with him since you were 15. Surely in that time you learnt to speak to each other. He phoned you to say he wanted to do the double shift, you should have said it is my birthday and we have plans that I'm looking forward to. He put the onus on you and you just let him get away with it. Why? I would have said that it was my birthday and I was looking forward to celebrating as a family and to me that would be more important than adding to savings at this particular time. Why did you not speak up? If you did and he ignored you then you have bigger problems.

It was my birthday last week and i had breakfast in bed, lovely presents, dh made an afternoon tea for me, we took our kids swimming and then out for a meal. Im not sharing to gloat but just to show that other men can and do go to some effort.

It was my birthday yesterday too and it was rubbish. Lots of friends reached out made an effort but the guy I have been seeing made zero effort. No card or anything. It’s made me think of him different. To be fair i was reconsidering anyway but I think he just put the nail in the coffin. Granted, I don’t like a fuss as he had been going on about it for weeks but a text then nothing. Made me realise he’s full of hot air why bother going on and on then make no effort at all. Wait til he asks what I am doing at the weekend. I am going to say nothing with you.

How mean and thoughtless. Some men go all mean and sulky after the birth of a child because they aren't getting any attention. Tell him how his behaviour made you feel.

Do you earn the same to be contributing 50% to the bills? Who pays for anything child related?

I don't think there should be anything special about your first birthday after having a baby - I've never heard of anyone else saying it is either. But I can see it would be disappointing for you. I'm actually not that bothered about birthdays and maybe your husband isn't either so didn't realize you'd be upset. Just tell him how you feel and next year get something booked in advance.

Because it’s clearly OPs first child and she, sweetly, has this romantic idea of it. Why the need to pick that to pieces? And why is that what you’re focusing on? Mumsnet and its competitive blasé ‘hahaha what a dickkkkk head you are’ about people caring about ANYTHING 🙄’my mum told me never to speak to her again and moved to China’ ‘wow OP people are allowed BOUNDARIES you know are you always so overbearing’. Gosh it pisses me off.

OP, your husband has been an absolute knob. I’d be so disappointed. Can you arrange a nice dinner Friday night with some friends or family and he can stay at home with the baby? You deserve to celebrate and he deserves to pay the bill.

Obviously everyone’s expectations are different, but I couldn’t get worked up over this. If my husband did that to me the response would likely be ‘ok, shall we get a takeaway on Saturday instead then?’

Don’t be so ridiculous.

If he's otherwise a good man, then gently tell him that not acknowledging your birthday - writing a card, coming home for dinner - was quite upsetting. Don't just sit on your hurt. Communicate constructively and give him the chance to make it up to you.

Your bar is on the floor. If you don’t expect your husband to keep his word on a very basic birthday request, then you don’t expect to rely on him for anything. That’s no partnership.

He deprioritised OP on her birthday for a non-emergency. What a way to treat his wife- he didn’t even come back to give her a well-deserved break from the baby that evening. By booking his double shift, he forced OP into a double shift also.

Only thing I’d say OP is next time (hopefully you will tell him how you feel and this won’t happen again), don’t sit in being a martyr- accept your family’s offer to come round/ call a friend and explain the situation so they can pop round last minute. The shame is his not yours.

Why are people do miserable about adult birthdays? It's just a nice thing to do for someone you love that's all.