My husband ruined my birthday

[Ejx22]

My birthday was yesterday, my first birthday since having my daughter 6 months ago. My husband was at work in the day and I’d said that I just wanted a takeaway in the evening. My husband then rang me to say he’d been offered a double shift at work (he’s self employed so is able to do this) and that he was going to take it.
I didn’t argue with him at the time but I spent my birthday sat inside by myself with my baby.
I didn’t even have a card to open off my husband or my daughter, he had bought them but not got round to writing them.
I don’t really know what to do going forward, it is by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had and should have been one of the most special or am I just being sensitive?

I had a rubbish big birthday this year and it is not about gifts it is about showing effort to care. Mine lacked that as yours has. What it did make me reflect on is that I show love and care by putting thought into gifts and dh and dc do not feel the need to do this in the same way. I am stepping back from putting pressure on myself to get them perfect gifts now and actually it felt like a weight has lifted. They did not understand at all how i felt because i think they show love differently and for them it is not so important.

I dont really think first birthday as a parent is a big deal as such, but he didn’t bother celebrating your birthday at all which isn’t nice. You had plans (albeit only a takeaway) and he cancelled at short notice without an apology by the sounds of it.

I'm sorry, OP. That is really disappointing for you.
Does your DH know how upset you were? It was thoughtless of him not to write the cards for you and to accept the shifts without asking you.
If you can talk to him calmly about how this made you feel then do.
As an aside, if your income has dropped due to maternity leave, then your contributions should also drop in proportion. You are making up for contributing less cash with contributing more childcare.
I hope he understands that he let you down and he does something to make up for this at the weekend x

Please don’t give your OH grief about his decision to accept a double shift when it was offered. Self-employment is hard and my principle has always been to take work when it’s offered. If you don’t, it might not be available when you really need it.
I’m sorry your birthday didn’t come up to your expectations but sometimes they don’t! Cheer up and whatever you do, don’t give your OH grief about what he will regard as his very sensible decision for his newly-enlarged family.

She didn't say it had to be the most special. Just that it was her birthday - which is generally accepted to be a day you can expect those close to you to want to treat you well and show how much they value you - and that it was her first as a mother - which gives context as to why she hadn't planned a wild weekend away in Ibiza with her mates.

In regards to expectations, me, my dad and said husband all have a birthday within 7 days of each other. Mine being Tuesday just gone, my dads is on Monday and my husbands is on Tuesday. We don’t usually do presents, and usually we’re on holiday around now to celebrate both of our birthdays but with having a little one, it’s not something we got round to doing.
I’ve made my feelings very clear to husband and whilst I’m not usually one to hold grudges, this cut me a little deeper than usual as I don’t think asking for someone’s time to have a takeaway with on your birthday is a big ask

I don't bother much with my birthday, but even I think your DH was really out of order OP. What will you do on his special day, nothing too special I hope.

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but I would calmly let your DH know how you feel and give him the opportunity to make it up to you with meal out or something more expensive now he has the extra shift money to put towards it. Sometimes you have to spell out your expectations very clearly- as it was just a takeaway he perhaps thought it wasn’t that important to you.

OP i’m sorry that’s crappy behaviour.

People posting about birthdays always fall into three categories on MN:

the misery guts who last year celebrated - at best - with a scrawled note on the back of the previous days junk mail.

the weirdo’s who claim celebrating a birthday is childish and therefore by agreement they don’t and act as if their not bothering with such irrelevancies makes them morally superior.

and everyone else who chooses to celebrate in some sort of way or another, whether it’s a card an box of chocolates or a surprise party and Tiffany jewellery.

i am convinced those in the first two categories are all miserable, bitter women who have dreadful Hs and instead of address that head on choose to berate and bully women who have a totally normal expectation that their birthday is marked in accordance with societal norms.

My bar is very far from the floor. But to me a takeaway on a birthday is just not that big a deal, and perhaps OP’s husband has a similar mindset.

I don't think it's about a takeaway being a big deal, I think it's about a new (tired I'm guessing) mother asking for a takeaway meal as a treat for her birthday and her husband choosing to work extra (non-essential) time instead. That would disappoint me too. The OP isn't being a diva, she didn't expect the world, she just wanted a small fuss made of her.

I had a similar experience a few years ago when my marriage was at a low point but he was supposed to be trying to make amends. I was similarly extremely upset.

My strategy was for this and future birthdays to treat myself to something lovely and extravagant. The year it happened, I immediately set up a year long book subscription as I love reading which meant every month I got a beautiful gift wrapped book which someone else had chosen for me. I’ve also done spa days and other lovely things. And fortunately the marriage is in a better place too and the gifts I wasn’t getting for myself also got better and more thoughtful

Since he is normally goodwith birthdays, it's a fluke. Everyone messes up sometimes. Tell him that it hurt you and move on. If he messes up next ones, it's a different matter.

What an awful husband, working an extra shift to bring home more money for his wife and daughter

Grow up
You're not sixteen, birthdays are not something to be prioritised above living expenses

No! She doesn't need to refer to other threads. This is her life and shes allowed to feel let down. He was lazy and made no effort.

The competitive misery positions on this thread have already been filled. Unfortunately, your comment isn’t particularly edgy. Must try harder!

I’d be over it quickly, I’d also be planning on how to use the extra cash earned.

Just explain to your DH the day is important to you. You could always (for this year) have an alternative date (like the Queen did) and do something fun.

Happy belated birthday 🎂

Doing an extra shirt isn't 'making no effort'.

I have to be honest, I would have appreciated my DH working a double shift for extra money. When these opportunities come they must be taken, especially if he is willing to do it.

You can celebrate your Birthday this weekend and still make it special and have a nice time. Go our for lunch, have a takeaway and/or go out together for the day. In the nicest possible way its just a day. This can be salvaged.

But I appreciate that is my opinion and I am just not that precious about Birthdays and I wouldn't want my DH passing up making some extra cash for the sake of a takeaway on the sofa with me when we can do that on the weekend.

I think I’d be giving some blank cards and making myself busy next Tuesday…

Yes, it's shit that he didn't give you a card or present or even tea in bed. But, why was it going to be one of the best yet? It sounds like you had built it up to huge proportions so it was always going to be a disappointment.

Yes it is! Work has no relevance to making some effort for your wife, its her bday. Its possible to do both. Write the card and make her feel valued. Even if that was sitting down with her, planning something for the weekend anything other then being oblivious.

You have 2 choices here, let him know how it feels to have your birthday ignored, so no card for him, no meal, nothing just a fleeting happy birthday message halfway through the day or you go overboard, big card and present from the baby, balloons, banners and bunting. Slap up meal and all of your attention. Personally i think some people never learn unless they experience things.

I'm sorry about your disappointing birthday. What was your husband's reaction when you made your feelings clear to him?