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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this? Heartbroken

350 replies

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

OP posts:
spicetails · 20/09/2025 20:37

You need to leave. If you can.

ThisRedLion · 20/09/2025 20:51

You have had one hell of a lucky escape hes had it good really hasn't he relationship for 4 yrs own houses own lives hes been super loving and obviously feels threatened or belittled at your job/position how could someone change so fast is so scary after being the perfect being or so you thought you will get over him and you will find your perfect partner don't lose sleep over him you are worth so much more and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones you hold your head up and I wish you all the luck in the world with this new position 💗

Dinkydash · 20/09/2025 20:51

Did he bang his head? Maybe a brain scan is needed incase he's growing a tumor. It sounds very unlikely but sudden personality changes are sometimes a result of tumors.

custardlover · 20/09/2025 21:00

He sounds awful and honestly you are better off without him

PotatoLove · 20/09/2025 21:05

I'm sorry OP, this must have been a horrible shock.

It sounds like he's very insecure about himself and you wanting to progress brought out the nasty side.

shhblackbag · 20/09/2025 21:12

His mask slipped properly. You're better off away from him.

Ladyweathermore · 20/09/2025 21:26

It sounds like he is projecting his behaviour onto you…. Like many other posters my initial thought he was looking to end the relationship and this is the catalyst so he’s “not at fault”

Fiflaboeuf · 20/09/2025 21:27

I think for whatever reason (probably an affair but maybe not) he wants to break it off but has seized upon this fake umbrage as the catalyst (had it done to me after 6 years!). Might not even be logical enough to mean it’s someone at your new potential workplace - just pure chicken shit and unable to have an adult breakup conversation or fess up to a misdeed. Could well be he gets in touch to say he’s mentally unwell and btw accidentally stuck his dick in someone blah blah blah.

Confusedmeanderings · 20/09/2025 21:40

This sounds a horrible thing to happen OP. I'm really sorry.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 20/09/2025 21:58

Absolutely dreadful behaviour on his part. Unforgiveable to bring you, his partner down when he should be lifting you and encouraging you to thrive and achieve your best. I've been in a similar position many years ago and couldn't understand it, but as I got older and looked back on that shitshow of a relationship, I saw it for what it had been - he was threatened by the thought of me doing well and decided to bring me down a peg or two.

Run for the hills OP. Don't look back. You deserve better - don't take him back.

Good luck with your promotion - you've got this.

LouiseK93 · 20/09/2025 22:01

The most abusive men started of as the sweetest, most perfect. They are talented at hiding their true colours. Run a million miles from this one, please trust me.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 20/09/2025 22:02

Edited as duplicate post, sorry.

AutumnRainandPuddles · 20/09/2025 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Casual use of serious and often debilitating mental health conditions to describe people’s bad behaviour really isn’t ok.

YourWildAmberSloth · 20/09/2025 22:27

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:18

I can’t say why without being outing I think, but he doesn’t know anyone in the new area so I don’t think it’s that. Nor is it a job he could apply for - I work in the police and he doesn’t.

Im not even sure about jealousy - he earns far more than I ever will. The only thing I can think is that it’s because he doesn’t know anyone in the the new area, whereas he knows all my colleagues where I currently work.

Jealousy is not just wanting what someone has, it is also just not wanting them to have it. He doesn't want you to better yourself, even if you are still 'below' him. To be honest, it doesn't matter why, he has shown you who he really is. Good luck with the application and even if this one doesn't work out, keep pushing, keep applying and don't doubt or question yourself.

Missj25 · 20/09/2025 22:27

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:18

I can’t say why without being outing I think, but he doesn’t know anyone in the new area so I don’t think it’s that. Nor is it a job he could apply for - I work in the police and he doesn’t.

Im not even sure about jealousy - he earns far more than I ever will. The only thing I can think is that it’s because he doesn’t know anyone in the the new area, whereas he knows all my colleagues where I currently work.

Wow … Jesus OP must be some shock to get ….
I don’t think it’s another woman at all , it kinda looks pretty much like because you will be working away in an environment completely unfamiliar to him with collegues he does not know ..
Sadly he has shown he is not a good guy , infact he’s horrific to treat you like this ..
I’m sorry you are going through this ..
I hope you will be strong enough to not take him back if he comes back looking to be forgiven..
There’s no going back in my opinion after what he has done x

NewDayNewColour · 20/09/2025 22:34

VictoriaHelen · 19/09/2025 19:55

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that behaviour would be a shock to anyone. Sometimes when someone feels their control or sense of superiority slipping (like when you’re applying for a promotion), their true colours show. They lash out, belittle or accuse because they’re scared of losing their power over you.

I was in a very similar relationship. My ex did everything to undermine me and even tried to talk me out of starting an online business a few months ago (dropshipping). I ignored him and went ahead anyway. That business now makes me around $7k a day, and guess what now he’s the one borrowing money from me. It was a huge wake-up call about who was actually supportive of my growth and who wasn’t.

What you’re seeing now is not a “new” side of him; it’s the side he always had but hid while it suited him. The good news is this behaviour has shown itself before you tied your future even closer to him. Right now it hurts like hell, but down the line you’ll see it as the moment you were freed to focus on yourself and your success.

Be kind to yourself, lean on friends, and don’t let his words take root they’re a reflection of his insecurity, not your worth.

Christ on a bike, what are you dropshipping? Gold?

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/09/2025 22:35

Last night you were supposed to be calling and messaging him, and you didnt.

So then he says "I need space", with the intention to provoke you into contacting him and begging him to not dump you.

You havent.

This isnt over. He will ramp it up. I wonder if the reason it is "amicable" with his ex is that they have kids and she has picked her battles? He is obviously deeply insecure and jealous, so bullet dodged there I think.

offtocalifornia · 20/09/2025 22:39

Agree this sounds like jealousy - you were fine when in the 'feminine' role - your education is perhaps by-the-by for him compared with the University of Life; overtaking him in seniority less so.

But you won't know. I'm sorry. The pain will pass...

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 20/09/2025 22:46

How horrible for you and what a shock. Sounds like he’s projecting his behaviour onto you. You must feel so gutted.x

HellEvenDorisDay · 20/09/2025 22:48

You’re doing something to better yourself - working towards promotion which I guess means more money and higher status. It’s triggered something in him. His aggressive and unkind reaction suggests this is how he feels about himself - weak, not respected, scared of trying for more - and he makes himself feel better by being your knight (?) if he treats you like a princess. A change to your circumstances unbalances how he sees his role in your life. So he has cut and run

Bogeyes · 20/09/2025 22:57

Jealous or drugs!

tara66 · 20/09/2025 23:04

WOW - talk about jackal and hyde character.
You had a lucky escape.
Apart from anything else - he's odd, very odd.

Allthatshines1992 · 20/09/2025 23:15

LunchtimeNaps · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's shagging someone in the new department and it's all going to come out, or, he wanted to apply for the same job and feels threatened?

This. He knows the end is near so he's ended things before you find out to try to give himself some sort of perceived leverage.

tara66 · 20/09/2025 23:18

jerkyll

Allthatshines1992 · 20/09/2025 23:32

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

Another thing which occured to me, I think I can forgive anything a person can say and I've heard a lot of things over the years, most of it is water off a duck's back so to speak, had people tell me all sorts and I don't care but it's the intention behind it which would concern me.