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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this? Heartbroken

350 replies

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

OP posts:
Burninglogsfire · 20/09/2025 11:32

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

Covert narcissist. Look it up. He's love bombed you, made your love feel special, faking to have all the qualities you look in a partner. The mask fell off now due to his insecurity. He can't see you going up in the world because it makes him look less than. Been there.

J3001 · 20/09/2025 11:32

Well done for being strong and good luck hope you get the promotion 💐

Conniebygaslight · 20/09/2025 11:50

He will try to hoover you back in OP and the nice side of him will be on show. Do not be fooled. You cannot have that side of him without this horrible nasty side which will come out more & more until that’s all you ever experience. Block him for your own sanity before you become trapped in a cycle of abuse.

Toesy · 20/09/2025 11:51

He will be back.
Particularly when you don't contact him.
He will seek to excuse his behaviour and then likely accuse you of wanting out, being disloyal, cheating, you name it.

Never unsee who he showed you he was.
An ugly insecure abusive twat.

dramalessllama · 20/09/2025 12:07

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry he turned out to be a shit partner. Since you don't live together, I can't help but wonder if he's masked his true, insecure self the entire course of your relationship, but now the mask has slipped and this is his true self.

But never mind the why's and how's, this is who he is and you're well rid, even if doesn't feel like that right now.

Be kind to yourself. You absolutely are deserving of this promotion and you don't need his approval or support when you have your mumsnetty support system cheering you on from behind our keyboards!!

You've got this!!

L00n · 20/09/2025 13:15

Men are highly likely to feel threatened by women who are intellectually stronger than they are. This may be an attempt to crush you and put you beneath him so that he can feel as if he out ranks you. If he treats you badly but is able to persuade you to come back to him then he will feel as if you have subordinated yourself to him, he might then feel less threatened for a little while. It's unlikely to last so it'll be rinse and repeat.
Best to cut your losses and exit this relationship I'd say!

PocketSand · 20/09/2025 14:40

Of course it’s hard. He put you on a pedestal for years and then the mask slipped and he did a verbal assault on your character out of the blue with a (pretend) full discard. Whilst distracted by a promotion. Anyone would be reeling and thinking what the fuck just happened.

And then the text suggesting that the discard wasn’t real and maybe the things he said weren’t real either because he seemed to believe that being accused of sleeping with people and him needing an STI may not be upsetting. And the poor lamb just needed some space. All about his feelings. Nothing about yours.

He may see blocking if not entirely blocked (he may turn up at your door in tears with flowers) as a challenge.

If you feel strong enough and are safe I would respond and say you consider the relationship well and truly over. You didn’t find his comments upsetting as they are not reflective of you but illuminating about him. To make it clear you are ending the relationship and there is no need for further discussion.

If you want the horribleness to end so you don’t have to deal with it, I promise it will but it will come back x 10 and will be much harder to escape.

Pliudev · 20/09/2025 17:47

OK. I used to teach creative writing and this may be a leap in the dark. But he sounds rattled. If you are a police officer, might your ñew job give you access to information about him he'd rather you didn know?

Pliudev · 20/09/2025 17:48

Didn't!

AIBU5 · 20/09/2025 17:53

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:12

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

The worst bit? He'll be back. He'll apologize, will make up an excuse for his behaviour, but the truth is - that was the real him. I'm sorry, OP. Wishing you all the strength x

MMUmum · 20/09/2025 18:00

You have shifted the balance of power and that's what he doesn't like. By applying for promotion you have shown that you believe you are capable, that's where his comments came from, he's trying to show you it's not true, to make sure you maintain the staus quo and toe the line. Please block out all of his negative noise and follow your dreams

Pinkpommebear · 20/09/2025 18:00

VictoriaHelen · 19/09/2025 19:55

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that behaviour would be a shock to anyone. Sometimes when someone feels their control or sense of superiority slipping (like when you’re applying for a promotion), their true colours show. They lash out, belittle or accuse because they’re scared of losing their power over you.

I was in a very similar relationship. My ex did everything to undermine me and even tried to talk me out of starting an online business a few months ago (dropshipping). I ignored him and went ahead anyway. That business now makes me around $7k a day, and guess what now he’s the one borrowing money from me. It was a huge wake-up call about who was actually supportive of my growth and who wasn’t.

What you’re seeing now is not a “new” side of him; it’s the side he always had but hid while it suited him. The good news is this behaviour has shown itself before you tied your future even closer to him. Right now it hurts like hell, but down the line you’ll see it as the moment you were freed to focus on yourself and your success.

Be kind to yourself, lean on friends, and don’t let his words take root they’re a reflection of his insecurity, not your worth.

I'd stop lending him money

HereWeGo1234 · 20/09/2025 18:02

WOW and you think you know someone and they behave like that.
My guess is the reason he overreacted was a combination of jealousy, wanting to be the higher earner and fear that you would be moving in different circles and possibly meeting men he could not compete with.
It is equally worrying that he thinks after saying such horrible things that he can go off and have a think and come back into your life and you will be agreeable to that.
Please don’t get back with him. He will only do the same thing again.

RosyDaysAhead · 20/09/2025 18:05

wheres the red flag 🚩 guy when you need him……. Run OP and be very relieved you were not financially entwined

JJMama · 20/09/2025 18:10

Firstly, you are whole as you are; no one needs ‘an other half’.
Secondly, what’s caused this is his own insecurity and pettiness. He’s shown his true colours now you’ve had something good happen. He’s got nasty and envious.

Good job he’s shown you his true colours - you should be the one running for the hills!

Bikergran · 20/09/2025 18:12

Presumably you would have been senior to him, and he couldn't accept that. You've dodged a bullet here. Think yourself very lucky you weren't living together or married. Maybe this is why his marriage ended. Remove every trace of him from your life. Anything with an emotional connection to him goes in the bin or to the charity shop.If he has items at your house, pack them up and get a friend to drop them at his, so he has no excuse to come over. Block him on every channel or device, but KEEP all text and email evidence of what he has said, if there is any, as insurance. If he has ever had a key, change your locks. Spring clean your house, get a personal glow up, and go and get that job, you will SMASH it. ❤️

Lovehascomeandgone · 20/09/2025 18:15

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them! Get rid now and consider this a lucky escape. I find men are fine until you do better than them career wise and then all hell breaks loose. They can’t take the competition and generally most can’t cope with an assertive capable woman. Get rid, he is jealous.

Poirot1983 · 20/09/2025 18:21

There’s someone else.

usedtobeaylis · 20/09/2025 18:24

He's 100% threatened by you. He tried to bring you down and 'put you in your place'. Focus on your promotion and cut off all contact - he's not got anything he can say that can undo what he's already said. I know your confidence has probably taken a massive dent right now but it's recoverable - it won't be if it becomes part of your life so don't give him the opportunity. He's insecure and jealous and very, very threatened by you.

apokeyweeplace · 20/09/2025 18:24

AnOldCynic · 19/09/2025 19:31

The bit about him treating you like a Princess raised a red flag for me. He feels threatened by you moving out of his sphere of influence as he won’t be able to keep tabs on you as much.

I'm with Old Cynic. Or rather I'm an old cynic too.
This is changing the dynamic - the one that he currently is completely in control of by 'treating you like a princess'.

JDEE72 · 20/09/2025 18:34

Has he applied for the same position? Because that sounds like an attempt to what’s the word…snipe you? Either way, he’s shown you his true colours, so don’t even give him another thought. He’s not who you thought he was.
go for that promotion, everything he accused you of is his own projection.

Unicornsandprincesses · 20/09/2025 18:35

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

exactly my first thought

Moonlightdust · 20/09/2025 18:39

IfIHadAHeart · 19/09/2025 19:18

I can’t say why without being outing I think, but he doesn’t know anyone in the new area so I don’t think it’s that. Nor is it a job he could apply for - I work in the police and he doesn’t.

Im not even sure about jealousy - he earns far more than I ever will. The only thing I can think is that it’s because he doesn’t know anyone in the the new area, whereas he knows all my colleagues where I currently work.

Woah OP he has shown his true colours. Block and don’t ever engage with him again. Good luck with the promotion - I’m sure you will smash it. Remember you don’t need a man to make you whole or worthy!!!

Ladygardenerinderby · 20/09/2025 18:53

Massive green eyed monster syndrome there !! He’s afraid you’re going to better yourself and appear better than him in some way. This to me is a red flag I’d be sincerely thinking this is not right and I’d be considering getting out Soo sorry this had happened to you but sooner rather than later

B33cka8 · 20/09/2025 19:02

limetrees32 · 19/09/2025 19:15

He's involved with someone who you might cross paths with if you get the promotion.

This!! Darling you mustn't spend time wondering why, he's an awful person and that's got to be the bottom line. Trying to find the reason is a waste of time and is likely to lead you to self reflect and insecurity..this is what these people do. Nothing you could have done, at any point, would have made him not act like this/be this toxic at SOME point because that's who he is really. You dodged a bullet! PS. Best of luck with the job!!!

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