What is this? Heartbroken

[IfIHadAHeart]

I’ve been in a relationship for about four years. We don’t live together as are both divorced and have kids at home. He has supported me through some really difficult times, we get on well, I trust him. There seemed to be mutual respect and it’s the first relationship where I’ve ever truly felt I was understood.

We met through work. We don’t work for the same employer or even the same industry really, but cross paths now and again which is how we first got talking. He knows most of my colleagues as he works with them from time to time too. I have recently been working towards promotion, and have now applied for a six month post within my organisation but in a different area. It doesn’t involve moving or anything like that, just a longer commute. I submitted the application yesterday, having discussed it with him beforehand. He hadn’t seemed that supportive, which surprised me. However yesterday once I told him I’d applied, shit hit the fan.

He told me I’m weak, not management material, no one will ever respect me. That I’d be back in a few weeks with my tail between my legs having fucked up. He said the only way I’ll get the job is if I sleep with my potential new manager first, then accused me of sleeping with various colleagues and suggested he needs an STI test. I refused to engage with it, so he got nastier. He basically brought up any doubt or insecurity I’ve ever shared with him, said a whole host of incredibly hurtful things and then had the cheek to end the relationship saying good riddance, he’s better off without me and is running for the hills.

I know it will sound unbelievable when I say this but this side of him has come out of nowhere. There have been no signs before of any nasty streak, to be honest he treats me like a bit of a princess really with so much care and love.

Needless to say, the things he’s said were so hurtful that the relationship is over as there were things I will never be able to forgive. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I can’t understand his behaviour at all and I don’t know how I can ever move on from this. I genuinely believed he was the other half that made me whole.

Any ideas as to what’s caused this change?

Scary. Four years!

Have you had any conflicts before this?

You triggered his narcissism.

Oh dear. I'm so sorry to read this. My ex was like this. We were together for 14 years in the end! He made me feel like a princess and would put me on this pedestal only to frequently kick me off it (metaphorically speaking). It's unbelievably painful because when it's good you feel like the most loved person in the universe and you feel you've found your soulmate but sadly it's an illusion because they are toxic and jealous of you (sad I know). It just gets more painful over time until you're walking on egg shells trying desperately to recreate the perfect relationship that once (seemingly) was.
It sounds like he might have narcissistic personality disorder..... charmer harmer syndrome. With mine he totally love bombed me in the beginning with grand gestures, gifts, love notes, weekends away and everything felt absolutely perfect. I felt totally understood, he made me feel whole and then he'd flip with the jealousy and sulking and making me feel I'd done something wrong. Heartbreaking. He sounds like his disrespect is coming from a place of deep insecurity...he's feeling/no longer in control with your potential job promotion (which is v sad and frankly pathetic) but unfortunately the guy sounds like he has a disorder and sadly it doesn't usually get better.
Don't be surprised for him to come crawling back, saying he's really sorry...if you take him back things will be perfect again for a while.....but his toxic behavior will undoubtedly rear it's ugly head again and the cycle will continue until you become someone you no longer recognize. At least that's what it was like for me....
Do yourself a favor and run for the hills but prepare to feel broken hearted for a good long while. People like that are like a drug. Bad for you but so tempting to sample and fall back into. Best to stay away in order to warm yourself off them...

I'd guess he doesn't want you progressing in your career. He wants you to lose confidence in yourself, so that you will need to become financially dependent on him. Of course, the trade off for that will be that you move in together, and you take over all cooking, cleaning and childcare duties.

He's divorced and sick of pulling his weight with his own kids. You were being groomed for a stepmother role. Your promotion was a rude awakening, as it proved your independence wasn't just a front. You're happy to do your own thing after all. You won't be crumbling and making him your whole world any time soon.

He'll have turned nasty so suddenly because he realises he "wasted" all this time providing emotional support to you, and it's not going to pay off the way he wanted. He's a loser. You had a lucky escape.

This. Absolutely.

*wean (not warm)!

Or he's just a deeply insecure narcissist and worried about losing control of her....losing his "supply"

Given you’re in the police, might your potential new job lead to you finding out sth about him that would make him freak out this way?

In any event, he’s shown you his true colours. Believe him! (And show him the door this side of which he never actually deserved to be in the first place)

Sorry OP, sounds awful. I think the red flag is the princess stuff. It is nice for someone to be thoughtful but it can be overwhelming too. You are fortunate not to have DC or be living together. While the split will be painful and take time to move forward, the good news is the well-deserved promotion will move you elsewhere and you are unlikely to see him at work. Good luck 🍷💐

Just reread the first post again and noticed it's only a six month promotion too, which makes his reaction even more nuts. There's got to be more to this than meets the eye, it can't simply be jealousy or loss of control. He sounds like he's panicking for some unknown reason. OP must be reeling.

He’s been having an affair and was looking for a pretext to dump you without appearing to be the “bad guy.”

You could well be right.

When I finally stood up to my lazy, manipulative and moody husband he became verbally very nasty. I think he sensed he was losing control of me.

Then he had an affair. Obviously he needed another "supply".

I was dropped without a backward glance from him.

It was a long time before I realized he was working with the "Narcissists' Playbook".

He is still with OW and I wish her joy of him !

It’s been really interesting to read everyone’s replies. Maybe with time I will see some red flags I should have seen earlier, I don’t know. It always seemed like he was helping me. It’s hard to paint a picture on here but it has always seemed like he supported me and celebrated my wins.

I think he does carry some insecurities about his background/education. He left school with no qualifications and I think could have easily ended up doing very little with his life. But he’s worked hard, did maths/english GCSEs through night classes as an adult and is extremely successful in his career. I really admired that determination.

We are both from very deprived ex mining towns, although different parts of the country, and I’m the only person in my family to have been to university. It’s not like I’ve had a more privileged life that he could resent - I’ve also worked hard and suffered some serious setbacks in life. As daft as it sounds, his cruel words have knocked the wind out of my sails more than pretty much anything else I’ve been through. Or maybe that’s just because I’m in the early stages of it I guess.

I haven’t heard from him, and haven’t contacted him either. I keep getting an urge to reach out to him, but then realise I actually have nothing to say. But I really, really miss what I thought we had. The person I thought he was.

Sorry, I’m just rambling really!

As daft as it sounds, his cruel words have knocked the wind out of my sails more than pretty much anything else I’ve been through.

@IfIHadAHeart Please don't let him get to you so deeply. I know it's hard because you thought he was on your side. But it turns out that he is only on his own side and you doing well has made him very angry indeed. Nothing he said to you is true; it's all designed to make you feel small and keep you in your place, so that he can feel he's above you. For whatever reason, your promotion feels deeply threatening to his sense of superiority over you. You just didn't see before how much he depended on believing he is better than you.

I think you need to surround yourself with people who love you and see your best qualities and make you feel like your best self. Reach out to friends and family and let them know what's happened. You need to feel loved and seen right now.

Don’t be sorry, you’re grieving, but as you rightly say, you’re grieving for what you thought you had. The shock of it too, in the context of how you felt the relationship was.

Really glad to hear you haven’t replied, or messaged him. (He needs space?! 😂 ) His ending it with you was a desperate attempt at trying to keep control. And his non apology is almost even worse. Stay strong!! Refer back to this thread in the future if you feel yourself weakening…

I would be tempted not to block him instantly, to see what other sort of nonsense he does try to come up with, but that can be a risky strategy if you feel like you might believe it and will be tempted to go back.

I do believe he was probably a narcissist, deeply insecure as you say, sense of loss of control, connection to you. He has shown you who he really is, and what he actually thinks of you. I’m surprised it got to 4 years, however, like others have said you don’t live together and he was able to maintain it probably because of that.

Focus on how far you’ve come, focus on what you’ve been through, and how strong you are to have done so! Channel that and good luck with the application!

He is jealous his nose is out of joint because you are showing confidence in yourself in going for this new position.
He is insanely intimidated and prefers you meek mild and in need of him.
Show him how powerful you are by taking this new position and telling him to f--k off!!
Be very glad you have seen the real him. Instead of feeling hurt at his words he is using to put you down and put you in your place .. the place he thinks you should be in.
Dust yourself off and see this as a blessing you got to see this weak man for who he really is.
Don't look back x

Honestly OP it sounds like you are already trying to make excuses for him. Behaviour doesn’t lie and he has shown you who he really is. What more do you need? Another ten experiences the same where he knocks every bit of confidence out of you to understand that you are just not in the same place and he isn’t good for you. You may miss what you thought you had but it wasn’t real was it, you need to recognise red flags when someone is waving them.

I’m not making excuses for him, I was just trying to give some context and sort out my own feeling/thoughts.

Maybe you're paying for something his ex wife did? Maybe he's slept with one of his employees/reports and she got promoted?

Either way, it's all on him. There are a lot of men who don't like their partners being in such a male dominated career- Maybe it's this and his insecurity has always been there bubbling silently away and then he went into full panic mode? It doesn't matter as its no use to you.

Awww OP it is really really hard when the person who you thought he was turns out not to be. I cannot believe he has not been knocking at your door saying how sorry he is for being a massive dickhead, says it all really. Good for you knowing your boundaries though.

It's completely normal to feel shocked and upset, and to want to know how someone who seemed to love you, can be so cruel.

He will be expecting you to reach out to him, to tell him you've decided not to go for the job, to beg his forgiveness and to do anything you can to be put back on the little princess pedestal.

It's their game. It's a cruel, nasty game to chip away at your self esteem and to keep you exactly where they want you.

I'm so glad you are not playing it. The game only ever ends up with you trapped and extremely confused and unhappy.

The person you knew isnt him, this nasty person is him which is why hes ignoring you becsuse YOUVE upset HIM and hes punishing you , you towed the line so he didnt need to punish you before you were compliant but now youve utterley embarressed him and shown him up by showing the world you are better than him(clever) ...if you dont get the job he will crawl back to you, if you do get it he will probably crawl back but continue to punish you....men are attracted to intellegent women and thats ok until you are more intellegent than him...its like pub talk' oh mate keep your bird in line shes earning more than you now mate'

I don’t think that’s true “ he had shown you what he actually thinks of you “ ..
He knows OPS weaknesses , & knows what to say to really hurt her so played on that ..
That is a different Imo ..
Someone who has that trait in them though is nasty ,& that will always be In them ..

It takes all sorts.

Some don't hide it from the get go.

A lot of times we over look or don't pick up on the red flags.

Hope they'll change.

Make excuses.

Think they're being protective.

As they say, love is blind, but the signs are almost always there.

Yes, maybe, but isn’t there normally some belief behind what we say when we’re lashing out? I’m not saying what he thinks of OP was rational or accurate, and maybe he stuck some extra crap on top in his paddy. Ultimately, it wasn’t a view of respect…