I don't know how to do this anymore? 29m 35f

[johnny2024]

I've been dating a woman for the past 2 months. We've been exclusively seeing eachother for 2 weeks.

I think she's awesome. She's so much fun. She treats me great. The sex is great. She's thoughtful and loyal. She's the perfect partner in a lot of ways.

Except I don't know if this is going to work long term. She is older than me and I want kids. I don't know when I want them but because she's 36 soon that doesn't really give me much time to just see how it develops with her. We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.

The pressure isn't coming from her. She's said we can look at options once/if we get that far. and she thinks it's too early to really know if I'm someone she'd have kids with. But also i'm terrified. She can not pressure me as much as she wants, biology isn't something that compromises.

Maybe it's too soon to be worrying about this. But the stress I'm feeling is starting to become a bit unbearable.

She's taking me out for dinner tonight then going on abroad work trips for 2 weeks. I don't know what to do

You do realize that even if you were dating someone younger, there could still be fertility issues? In fact you yourself could be infertile but not aware of it yet.

If you were with someone your own age and you had been together for a few years, and then tried to have a baby and couldn't - would you leave that person or be willing to explore other options such as adopting together?

I understand wanting children is important to you...but the foundation for having those kids should primarily be a strong and loving relationship...hopefully one that you could stick with in the face of infertility, which could happen at any age, male or female. There aren't any guarantees in anything.

However if her being older is such a concern for you, then best just end it now.

I think you sound way too immature to be thinking about kids. It’s not for you to police her biological clock anyway.

No it’s not. Because it entails actively making the choice to stay and put your all into the relationship or leave it. And within that course of action – be it over 1-2 years – will be a hundred other opportunities to make choices and decisions. What you’re doing right now is bumbling about and not having the maturity to make decisions for yourself.

How are you going to cope with a child? A permanent person in your life who will be completely dependent upon you for at least 18 years.

That's where your immaturity is showing. You haven't had a healthy romantic relationship but all you are concerned about is sowing your seed.

Reddit is another forum that uses ages F and ages M.

I had my first child at 28 and my second at 36. I was neither too young for my first or too old for my second. Sounds like the problem here is your lack of emotional maturity and commitment issues. I know of many women who have had kids beyond 40. Yes it might take a little longer, but it's not like we hit 38 and then fizzle up like a prune 🙄

You sound very odd op. 2 weeks into a relationship and your going on about having kids? Thats red flags to me. You sound very anxious and controlling like you have a plan for life. The pressure and red flags would make me run a mile! Either of you could turn out to be absolute psychos its such early days. Also a child in the mix changes the dynamic and puts strain on the relationship

Do you think you might be autistic? Rumination can be an overwhelming experience for some autistic people. The reason I mention it, is that CBT is not always helpful for autistic people and DBT is often recommended. You might need to work at the level of the body to treat your anxiety if you have a different sensory profile. I think it would be helpful to end the relationship and focus on recovering.

I’ve had jokes about being autistic my whole life. My therapist said she doesn’t think so. Just thinks I’m a highly anxious person. But not sure.

I just saw her last night and had a really great time. But as soon as as I leave I’m worrying about the future

DBT is a great methodology that will help you with tolerating distress whether autistic or not. It might be good to investigate. Rumination can be paralysing to live with.

Have a search and read of ‘internal presentation of autism’ and see if that rings any bells for you.

Was this a male doctor by any chance?🙄 So many women have children after 35 now. My mum was classed as a geriatric pregnancy at 30 back in the day. I had my youngest at 38. Baby was delivered vaginally with gas and air only at 10lb 8ozs. DC is and was perfectly healthy. My SIL had her first child at 43. Again perfectly healthy. Women want to live before they have kids. We aren't just baby making machines for men but that seems to be how you view your current girlfriend. I don't know you but I've read your posts and would agree with other posters that you need to seek help for your anxiety and break up phobia. You didn't need to stay with someone for a year and a half because they were depressed. It would have been kinder to end it sooner. I am not trying to be unkind but rather get you going in the right direction. You seem like you have a good heart.

I do have a good heart. I stayed with her because I cared about her and didn’t want to dump her while she was struggling. But I wasn’t even attracted to her anymore. It’s not the same with this. But it’s left a scar on me.

I don’t know where this is going with this woman. But I know I’m not certain about long term with anyone right now. I don’t even know where I’ll live next year. And her being older is making me feel internal pressure.

i want to make her happy. I don’t want to be anxious. I don’t want to have to break up with anyone. But I worry I will have to at some point.

i don’t want to break up. But I don’t want to commit to never doing it. But I know if I come to care for her even more it’ll become so hard for me to do it if I ever feel I want to leave.

im not ready for kids. And if she isn’t or I’m not in 2 years time. That’s a massive issue

I think you know she is not the one for you
But your using her age as the reason
You actually don't need a reason to end it
I think you will feel better ending it before she goes away for 2 weeks

I don’t know :( we had such a lovely evening last night that I really don’t know. It has only been 2 months but… I don’t know! 😂

You say you’re not ready for kids! I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship even. This is at least the second thread you have going about your woes regarding your relationship with this poor woman.

Frankly, I think you need to end it and do some ‘work’ on yourself.

People get together in their early twenties and then find out they can't have kids. Others get together in their late thirties and do. IVF is an option but I have plenty of friends who chose to wait until their early forties to have kids.

I think the thing is more I’m nowhere near ready to settle down and have a family yet

I think you are panicking and you are only a couple of months in. Perhaps this is a sign of how seriously you feel about them?

I grew up with the phrase "It's not as if the wedding is tomorrow." It means that sometimes we stress over things that have a way of working themselves out. You are worrying about an unknown future with someone you've only been exclusive with for two weeks. Just enjoy your relationship rather than killing it by overthinking and stress.

Hi Op More than 40 years ago I met my wife, a widow with 2 lovely children. We have now been married nearly 43 years and have 7 lovely grandchildren. I was 28 and she was 35.

We have stood the test of time and we could not be happier except for age related health issues.

This is good to know. How long did you wait to have kids?

I think so yeah. I really genuinely like her. I guess it’s just that fear of what might happen. I’m 29 and don’t feel ready to settle down long term at all. I’m aware my feelings may change as she and I get older.

I genuinely feel very strongly for her. But I also don’t want to limit myself if I want to break this off at some stage