I don't know how to do this anymore? 29m 35f

[johnny2024]

I've been dating a woman for the past 2 months. We've been exclusively seeing eachother for 2 weeks.

I think she's awesome. She's so much fun. She treats me great. The sex is great. She's thoughtful and loyal. She's the perfect partner in a lot of ways.

Except I don't know if this is going to work long term. She is older than me and I want kids. I don't know when I want them but because she's 36 soon that doesn't really give me much time to just see how it develops with her. We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.

The pressure isn't coming from her. She's said we can look at options once/if we get that far. and she thinks it's too early to really know if I'm someone she'd have kids with. But also i'm terrified. She can not pressure me as much as she wants, biology isn't something that compromises.

Maybe it's too soon to be worrying about this. But the stress I'm feeling is starting to become a bit unbearable.

She's taking me out for dinner tonight then going on abroad work trips for 2 weeks. I don't know what to do

I guess I'm just really struggling to park these thoughts. I am more afraid of this ending and it feels it'll have to get a lot more serious more quickly

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.
Two years is making you feel a lot of pressure? You sound like hard work to be honest.

Hi Johnny, it's me, I never knew you would post on here, and guess you never knew I'd be on here.
Cancel the meal tonight, and just for the record I'm transgender and you never noticed. So we wouldn't have had kids anyway.

It doesn't really. I guess this is more fear of what happens if I decide she isn't teh right one. I'll still really care about her but be heartbroken. And I'm terrified of getting attached

lol

I’m not sure what the problem is?
Are you worried she’s not the one? If so you need longer to get to know her.
Are you worried she’s the right one but too old? In which case you should decide now whether that’s a deal breaker and act accordingly.
I am unclear where the stress is coming from?

So what do you propose I do. Because I don't know if I'll be ready for kids or any of that in 2 years?

I’d say give it 6 months. No need to stress right now! However, I do also think that if you really liked her your brain would be begging you not to fuck this up, not suggesting possible outs. So maybe she’s just not the one.

I'm worried she could be the right one but is too old I guess. So maybe I'm heading towards a heartbreak. Because there is nothing wrong with this relationship other than her age

I'm just afraid of how it'll hurt in 6 months if it's not gonna work

Break up now, not later

It just kinda happened. I didn't even really think about these issues or expect it to get this far

I'm not sure yet

Dh and I had this conversation really early on. Whether we wanted marriage, children, how many, in an ideal world a rough timeline. Travel, jobs, where we wanted to live. I don't know why people don't think you can have these conversations early on before anyone gets in too deep. Maybe you can have this sort of conversation at dinner tonight. Sort of the where do you see yourself in 5 years sort of thing.

My friend never wanted children, he led with this incredibly early on because he wanted to base a relationship on the honesty of that as a lot of women want children so he felt like this would be harder to find someone who felt the same way.

In an ideal world what do you need in place to have children? Consider that.
.

Well tbh I hadn't been. It's been 3 and a half years since my last relationship and I've only really been on max 3 dates since then. I'm terrified of hurting people or dumping them. I get stuck.

I figured maybe mid 30's. But I don't know

I can’t work out whether you’re rather controlling, or just a bit wet.

Be honest with her, its up to your GF to decide how she feels about any potential ‘waste of her time’ fertility wise.

If you cannot cope with the possibility of a break up, maybe you’re too immature for a relationship…

Then it depends what is more important to you.
Having children but not with her (heartbreak now) if you like her as much as you say.
Having her and potentially no children (heartbreak maybe later)
When put as bluntly as that, how does it make you feel?

I'm just imagining her face when you tell her at age 36 (sorry 37 in December), that she's too old for you. And then go on to generously explain that you are telling her now because you are scared of feeling heartbroken if you continue and have to end it.

Your excuses do not seem plausible. If you want to break up with her just say so honestly.

Also, ever given any thought to what happens if it turns out that its you that's not fertile? Age is not the only deciding factor.

Probably a bit wet lol.

I'm more afraid of wasting my own time. Falling in love with her. Then having to end it coz timelines don't line up

I can't lose my chance at children. I'm too young to make that kind of sacrifice yet.
Both make me feel very uncomfortable

You sound like an avoidant. Just end this now and leave her alone. You need therapy not an army of women to justify your commitment issues!

I guess this is more fear of what happens if I decide she isn't teh right one. I'll still really care about her but be heartbroken. And I'm terrified of getting attached
Maybe look into therapy for your attachment issues? Maybe there's something from your childhood making you feel this way - parents not being there when you needed them?

Do you mean that if you wait two years and decide she's not your ideal coparent, then you'll already be so attached that you won't be able to leave her? Is it about that and not her age?

I know but her being 36 I feel it's more urgent than normal. If she doesn't want or can't have kids. For whatever reason. I'd want to know early so I can get out. It's important to me

You could go about it in a round-about way by asking about her children and asking how many children she saw herself having when she was younger and if, she'd stayed with her ex would she have had more?

However, I wonder why it's so important to you to have children? In what way would having a biological child of your own enhance your life? I can imagine that you might say 'that's fine for you as you have children of your own and no-one asked you those questions'.

DH & me have often discussed how our lives might have been if we couldn't have had children. We certainly would be financially better off! 😂

For about 10 years we fostered troubled teenaged children, we also gave regular respite care to a child with Downs - this person is now an adult, lives in a supported community (his parents are dead now) and still comes to spend the odd weekend and holiday with us. We came to the conclusion that we would have done that at an earlier stage. Though we agreed that having brought up a family we had the skills to manage the teens better than if we hadn't had children of our own.

But what's wrong with saying that? that seems perfectly reasonable to break up now because of future heartbreak potential? Like what is actually odd about that? genuine question?

If it's me then that happens. But there's a difference between life forcing that and me choosing a path that eradicates that chance anyway

Yes. I think that last paragraph is exactly what it's about.