I don't know how to do this anymore? 29m 35f

[johnny2024]

I've been dating a woman for the past 2 months. We've been exclusively seeing eachother for 2 weeks.

I think she's awesome. She's so much fun. She treats me great. The sex is great. She's thoughtful and loyal. She's the perfect partner in a lot of ways.

Except I don't know if this is going to work long term. She is older than me and I want kids. I don't know when I want them but because she's 36 soon that doesn't really give me much time to just see how it develops with her. We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.

The pressure isn't coming from her. She's said we can look at options once/if we get that far. and she thinks it's too early to really know if I'm someone she'd have kids with. But also i'm terrified. She can not pressure me as much as she wants, biology isn't something that compromises.

Maybe it's too soon to be worrying about this. But the stress I'm feeling is starting to become a bit unbearable.

She's taking me out for dinner tonight then going on abroad work trips for 2 weeks. I don't know what to do

It's just something I need to have the chance to do. It always has been. Even my dad said 'it would be a tragedy if you were never a dad because you're made for it'.

Plus this will sound odd to you. But I want to continue my family line. I don't want it to end with me

In that case, tell your girlfriend exactly what you've said in these posts.

All of them.

If you really are all about honesty and worried about causing heartbreak as you say... why keep it all a secret?

Tell all and give her the choice to make up her own mind whether she wants to continue on that basis or not.

Then you won't have to worry about making a decision.

"I want to continue my family line" 😂

Date someone else who is younger ? They may want children but end up not be able to have children or date this lady stop worrying and see what happens just because u want children doesn’t necessarily mean you will have any !
you are wasting time and energy on stuff u will have no control over take each day as it comes and enjoy your life

I have. I've told her I'm worried about timelines. Told her I'm worried we won't be able to make a child together because by the time I'm ready she'll be struggling fertility wise. Told her I'm worried about how I may want to live abroad next year and I still want to get things out the way first.

She still hasn't chosen to walk

It is extremely common to easily conceive at those ages.

If you are that concerned about having your heart broken, don't get involved in a relationship in the first place. Getting into a loving relationship is about making yourself vulnerable, if you can't do that, you're not ready.

So many people think that having a child will cement a relationship. Read some MN posts and you will find that a baby puts a strain on a relationship and rather than cementing it opens up any cracks. Strong loving relationships where the parents work together and agree with child-rearing practice are able weather the storm of sleepless nights, no sex, managing challenging behaviour, financial strains I could go on...and on....

It's a perfectly reasonable and human thing to feel.

From what you say, it does sound like some therapy might be a good idea, if your fear of potential heartbreak is putting your relationships at risk.

What kind of things are you looking for in a coparent?

There are a lot of hypotheticals in your post, OP, but it doesn’t sound like you know if she wants children yet. In a serious relationship communication is important and you should be able to talk about what you want from your futures to understand if you are compatible.

Secondly, for someone so anxious about infertility I find it fascinating that you’ve not questioned the fact you might have fertility issues yourself. No one knows until you start trying.

I've always had issues with anxiety and not being able to control the outcome. Doesn't mean I'm controlling. Just have anxiety. and then obsess over it.

How do I stop worrying? Because what we do determines the outcome. It's not magically going to just sort itself

it couldn’t really have just happened, the two of you must have agreed to have a date at least. You sound as if you want out, and if that’s the case, best tell her at once .

That's not what I'm reading online

OMG are you for real?!

You say you want to have a child with her - tell her that you're concerned she may be too old by the time you get around to it and then say that you may want to move abroad anyway?!!😱

It sounds like you don't like this woman you only want her to produce a child for you before you piss off and literally leave her holding the baby.

I'm amazed that she didn't tell you to sling your hook then & there. Poor woman must have very low self-esteem.

Because you are choosing to read sources that are feeding your anxieties. Stop it.

Hell, just browse through the pregnancy board here if you want to read about women in their 40s and their pregnancies.

I don't even own my own home though. She moved to the UK from the US 6 months ago. I don't know where I want to take my career next and worry about getting stuck if I have a child.

My last relationship I wanted to get out after a few months. But I couldn't because it was covid, she was living on her own and had no one else. She ended up getting very depressed, it took me a year and a half to leave. I'm worried that'll happen again

Nothing you do will control the outcome sometimes things happen regardless what u choose to do !
you need help for your anxiety and learn how to relax and enjoy simple things in life then u will be happy and enjoy each day as it comes

Also talking to my doctor friend. It's a geriatric pregnancy after 35. And much higher chances and risk of issues

But genuinely what happens in 6 months to a year if it doesn't work out? Because that outcome will suck and i'd rather it end now

I think you need to deal with your own issues before thinking about having a child with anyone. They are glaringly obvious and I think the best thing you can do for this woman is let her go.

Well end it, don't let it drag on.

No that's what I meant at all. I never said I want her to have kids with me. I laid out that it's important to me. I want them eventually. But I have things I want to do first.

Laying out what my thoughts are so she knows there could be issues with timelines

Frankly you sound too immature and too rampantly anxious to even think about parenthood at this stage.

You deal with it when it happens ! There is no point worrying about what hasn’t even happened it’s wasted energy ! You need therapy

Kindly OP you are quite clearly nowhere near ready for kids, or even ready for a serious relationship to be totally honest.