I don't know how to do this anymore? 29m 35f

[johnny2024]

I've been dating a woman for the past 2 months. We've been exclusively seeing eachother for 2 weeks.

I think she's awesome. She's so much fun. She treats me great. The sex is great. She's thoughtful and loyal. She's the perfect partner in a lot of ways.

Except I don't know if this is going to work long term. She is older than me and I want kids. I don't know when I want them but because she's 36 soon that doesn't really give me much time to just see how it develops with her. We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.

The pressure isn't coming from her. She's said we can look at options once/if we get that far. and she thinks it's too early to really know if I'm someone she'd have kids with. But also i'm terrified. She can not pressure me as much as she wants, biology isn't something that compromises.

Maybe it's too soon to be worrying about this. But the stress I'm feeling is starting to become a bit unbearable.

She's taking me out for dinner tonight then going on abroad work trips for 2 weeks. I don't know what to do

Sounds like some therapy is the best course then. It’s not surprising that you are scared of forming relationships when you aren’t sure you will be able to step back if you need to. Relationships must feel like traps.

We're having these conversations because I bring them up. That is me being mature no? She's not asked me a question about what I want from a relationship once. At all.

I don't think you know much about fertility. I had my last baby in my 40s and my first in my late 30s.

It's you who's running out of time. Your sperm comings with lower motility and more risk of neurological disorders once you hit 30.

Yes. That's exactly how I feel. I spend a lot of time craving someone to be close to. But when I'm in it I feel trapped and like I can't get out

I agree with the first statement. I don't know much about it.
I disagree with the second. That's total rubbish

You just call her and say 'hello <name> we've had some lovely times, but I don't think it's going to work out and best to put an end to it now before we become too involved and one of us gets hurt. As you know, I'm thinking about moving abroad and I'm not in a position to give you the relationship that you deserve. You're a lovely, kind, generous, intelligent person (feel free to add her good qualities here), but I'm not the man for you and I wish you all the best for the future'. Then never delete her from your phone etc & never contact her again.

She may feel a bit hurt, but best to end it now before you get too involved.

Can you explain in what way I'm being immature?

That would be a bit out of the blue? I also.. don't really want to right now. I'm just afraid of it getting worse later.

If you can’t clearly see it from your own replies then you really desperately do need therapy, lots of it.

I just need the reasons why outlined please. I think it might help. I'm so lost in anxiety right now I don't know what's right or wrong

Sorry should've proof read this before sending I meant to say 'then delete her number from your phone' Don't know where the 'never' came from - probably the result of multi-tasking as have 4 lively GC here DH having collected them from school & I've promised that we can make homity pie for tea. 😉

Ok - here is my two pennies :

you have a history of anxiety
you have a history of feeling out of control in relationships - you got stuck in a relationship you felt unable to extract yourself from
and you are fearful of this happening again

you are clear about one thing
having a child is important to you but at some point in future

you find it very hard to tolerate uncertainty
you are an excessive worrier
you go round in circles of what if ?? What about ??

as your concerns are all hypothetical- they cannot be answered with any certainty - and that is driving u potty !!

you say you have had therapy -
but it clearly did not help -

I would advise you seek CBT for generalised anxiety disorder - which is characterised by pathological levels of worry -

be careful of pulling your new girlfriend into your worry whirlpools, if she has any sense she will run a mile - but at least that would give u the certainty u crave !

Yes I was diagnosed with GAD before. And OCD tendencies. It is severely triggered by romantic relationships when they're exclusive. I've had CBT. Drugs. None of it helps.

Gosh I would find this a massive turn off... chill out dude

Please stop getting into relationships then. It’s very unfair on other people if you are “triggered” by exclusive romantic relationships.
Reading all your replies, despite feeling for you earlier, I now hope she dumps you and saves herself the heartbreak of what you may or may not decide to do at some point when you feel ready.

Bingo -
Ok, so you have the diagnosis,
you need to ensure your therapist is trained and skilled at treating GAD
then you need to use the skills that they teach you -
it won’t work if u don’t apply it - it’s hard work, but highly effective.
you need to spotting worry and labelling it as such,
not trying to problem solve a worry
employ detached mindfulness
recognise that you cannot resolve hypotheticals, you can only resolve a real problem

go back to basics -
use the skills covered in therapy,
if u can’t - go back to therapy

I had my first at 38. It can be done. So I don't see what you have to lose by giving the relationship some more time. Either she wants kids and will be ready to get going in a year's time and you will feel the same way, or she doesn't want kids or wants to wait longer or you don't think she's right, and then you can split up.

Nothing in an early relationship is guaranteed. As you learn more about each other over the next few months you may very well decide to split up. That is normal and natural.

You could split up now and look for someone younger but there is no point because at such an early stage anything can happen. Your next partner could also not work out for a totally different reason. At the moment you like this woman. Give your relationship with her a chance.

You need to get over this fear of breakups. You're never going to have a good relationship if you're too scared to leave a bad one.

We're having these conversations because I bring them up. That is me being mature no? She's not asked me a question about what I want from a relationship once. At all.

At only two months bringing up all these questions is neurotic. You don't seem able to wait and let a relationship progress naturally. You do need to talk to a therapist. You could look at your fear of breakups, and your issues around wanting kids. Maybe if you want to go abroad your partner will decide to come with you, people who love each other often find solutions to problems and they make compromises. Maybe you don't have to "get it out of the way" after all.

With all your anxieties you want all the answers upfront and right now. You seem unable to deal with uncertainty. So most especially you could look at your anxiety, at where it comes from and at better ways to manage it. A therapist might help with that.

You need not to be in a relationship until you have even begun to deal with these issues.

I honestly hope this woman realises how diffcult this would be for her going forward, because I don't think you are looking at what YOU can actually offer in terms of a stable relationship and it isn't much at present.

I know two women who have had kids at 48 (not a typo). Equally, I know young guys whose sperm has been the problem with conception. Yes, it could be an issue, but it could be an issue with a 25 year old, fertility is a lottery really. I got pregnant on the first night trying at almost 38. If you really like her and think she could be someone you want to have kids with, I would disregard the age. There are ways to overcome fertility issues.

Therapy could help you move on from this suffocating way of experiencing life into something freer.

But isn't this the whole reason I feel trapped? I literally am! Unless I want to damage someone

But I don't really see how?

It seems the reality of this is that you get into a relationship and thats it. commit to making it work forever. If you want to leave at some point, you're a scumbag and should never have got in one before? I try make it clear I may want to leave at some point at the beginning to try stop that. But then everyone calls me a douche?

Yes I do the worry labelling. But sometimes the worry is pointing at something that I actually need to solve. Then I just let it float by. and it gets worse and worse. And then I'm trapped? How do I even know the difference anymore?

Because it seems to me that the reality of dating a 36 year old means I can't just let those worries float by me. They're legit fertility issues?

No I'm fully aware I can't offer much right now!!! that's why I've bloody told her all this stuff?! I may be more ready in a few years but by then it may be too late for kids

What exactly is the legit fertility issue here ???

it’s all hypothetical!!