I don't know how to do this anymore? 29m 35f

[johnny2024]

I've been dating a woman for the past 2 months. We've been exclusively seeing eachother for 2 weeks.

I think she's awesome. She's so much fun. She treats me great. The sex is great. She's thoughtful and loyal. She's the perfect partner in a lot of ways.

Except I don't know if this is going to work long term. She is older than me and I want kids. I don't know when I want them but because she's 36 soon that doesn't really give me much time to just see how it develops with her. We'll either have to be fully in thinking about kids in the next 2 years or out. And it's making me feel a lot of pressure.

The pressure isn't coming from her. She's said we can look at options once/if we get that far. and she thinks it's too early to really know if I'm someone she'd have kids with. But also i'm terrified. She can not pressure me as much as she wants, biology isn't something that compromises.

Maybe it's too soon to be worrying about this. But the stress I'm feeling is starting to become a bit unbearable.

She's taking me out for dinner tonight then going on abroad work trips for 2 weeks. I don't know what to do

She'll be 38-39 by the time I'm ready to have kids at all?

Unless you’ve had a full sperm analysis done then you have no idea if you yourself are even fertile right now.

Go back to therapy, stop getting into relationships, work on yourself and even when you think you’re done- work on yourself some more.

The last thing you should be thinking about is children, hypothetical or not, you are so incredibly far from being ready.

Exactly. So what am I meant to do about this relationship now?

You don't have to stay in any relationship forever. Nobody does. We can all choose to leave our marriages or partnerships or friendships, if we need to.
That doesn't mean we should muck other people about by pretending we are up for a relationship when we're not. That would be cruel. But you haven't done that. By the sound of it you got swept up by your feelings for a lovely and available woman without thinking about the possible future implications of the age difference when it comes to having a family, and now you are so terrified of being forced to stay with her, and so horrified at the thought of leaving her, that you can't enjoy the relationship, or let it develop, and you literally don't know what to do.
Therapy could help untangle all that.

Do her a favour and just send her a text to say it’s not working, it’s not her, it’s you, and you wish her the best. Then delete her number.

You’ve been together for a grand 2 weeks, this really isn’t a 4 decade long marriage that requires a dramatic ending.

So … pin it down

what is the legit problem here ?

I would suggest :

my problem is I cannot tolerate the uncertainty that comes with dating an older woman and my hopes to be a dad … one day

problem solving :

leave the relationship
seek couples therapy
seek individual therapy to learn to manage my intolerance of uncertainty

im spoonfeeding you here !!

You could say that you've realised that you aren't ready for a relationship, that there are things you need to work on before you will be and say goodbye. You've known her 2 months and been exclusive for all of 2 weeks, it will be easier now than at any time in the future.

TBH, while she hasn't said if she wants kids or not, she doesn't need someone messing her about with their own hypothetical timelines when her fertility is becoming more limited.

There is a difference between hurting someone and damaging them. Your partner might feel very hurt and upset if you leave. That doesn't mean she is damaged. People recover and move on. And she is a grown-up too, she can make her own risk analysis about the relationship, and make her own decisions about which risks she wants to take and which she would rather not. All relationships involve some risk.

I agree you are not ready to have children at all, and possibly you never will be. Because having children is the ultimate risk. You have no idea what child you are getting, what being a parent will be like, whether or how you will cope. No-one does! In the end we all have to muddle through whether it goes well or badly or a mix of both. Parenting can be hell on earth for anxious people because it multiplies by millions the things to get anxious about.

I do think that talking this through with a therapist could help you see more clearly.

As for what to do now - you can let things take their course. Your partner is pragmatic, she is willing to see how things turn out. Copy her a little!

Yeah you're right exactly. I don't know how to deal with this at all. And 'letting it develop'. I'm not even sure what that means

But I guess how would things turn out? That's what's bothering me. We could go on for 3-5 years figuring out how it goes. Then it ends. And I don;t want that pain

END IT

What IF
we could …
we might …

you will literally spend hours / days / weeks / your life going round these hypothetical circles …

step back -

problem solve what u can control -
work on yourself first

You don’t want pain in your life?
Then don’t form any relationships ever (particularly not romantic ones) and definitely don’t have children.

Honestly, you sound really immature. I’d allows her to go and find someone more on her level.

There’s plenty of time for her to have kids, with the right man. I hope she finds him, it’s clearly not you.

But how?

Imagine being this rude to someone who's come to an online advice forum because he's struggling with anxiety around a relationship.

You can't know. That's what being in a relationship means. You can't plan it all out in advance and know how it will turn out. And yes, endings can hurt.

That's why I suggested time-limiting your decision about whether or not to commit. One year, maybe two. Two months is much too soon, three or five years maybe too long.

I think you are right to be think about it but no need to panic yet.
Some women conceive naturally up to their mid 40s but truth is once you get past 40 it is much harder.
There is adoption or IVF.
You could meet a younger women and discover one of you is infertile.
So I wouldnt discount someone who appears perfect in every way just yet.

Yeah. I don't really know right now. I don't even know if I'm ready to fully commit long term to someone yet

Imagine coming onto a parenting forum, of mostly women, where you can find hundreds of threads, started by real women having children in their 30’s, and saying your new girlfriend is too old. I’m 38 and can’t possibly imagine going out with someone as immature as you.
I work in obstetrics and the majority of the ladies we see are between 35 to 45, some even closer to 50. My mum had me at 40 in the 1980’s and my nan had a baby at 48 in the 1960’s.There’s also many, many threads on MN created by women 40+, having babies. I suspect that’s not really why you’re really here though. Have fun chatting shit about women’s fertility on the internet .

Paternal age and mental health of offspring - PMC

National Institutes of Health (NIH) | (.gov)
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › articles › PMC4457665

by D Malaspina · 2015 · Cited by 75 — The offspring of older fathers are at increased risk of mental conditions, including schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, poor social ...

the effects start subtly in the mid-to-late 30s, become more pronounced over 40

Why did you agree to even meet someone her age if it scares you! But there’s a big likelihood she will be able to. You could always both get your fertility tested in sixth months to get some idea of how much time you have. But surely within a year of serious dating you’ll know if she’s the one or not.

It seems the reality of this is that you get into a relationship and thats it. commit to making it work forever. If you want to leave at some point, you're a scumbag and should never have got in one before? I try make it clear I may want to leave at some point at the beginning to try stop that. But then everyone calls me a douche?
You've observed that whatever you do, some people will criticise you for it. What conclusion do you draw from that observation?

Yeah. Thought this might be the case. I'm not even trying to say that. I'm happy to be educated. But I can already tell you're just going to attack me so I'll let you be. Thanks anyway