Interesting conversation I just had with a man about cheating... Want to hear others perspective.

[ForeverHopeful3]

I am in the "talking" phase with a man who's been pretty good to me so far! We're a few hours away from each other but we've gone on 2.5 dates and both were good, he's consistent, he's showing he's intentional with me, etc etc.

Today, we had an interesting conversation that somehow morphed into cheaters.

He was explaining to me why it's okay for men to have sex with multiple women, even in relationships, and why it's not the same for women.

Basically: first, its biological. Men have always had multiple women. He used the example of kings having multiple queens to have their children. He also said that when a man sleeps with a woman, he doesn't have to have an emotional connection to her. So when a man "cheats" on his girlfriend, she shouldn't leave him because he still loves her, and not the other girl. He just had the physical part with the other girl. But for a woman, its different, because most women need an emotional connection with the man before she sleeps with him. So her cheating on a man means she doesn't love her man anymore or she isn't emotionally connected to him. Also, he used examples of how Muslim men have multiple wives.

He did say he's not saying its right or wrong, he's saying that its okay for men to cheat because they still love whoever it is that they are married to or in a relationship with.

I said that cheating is a huge betrayal and it shows there's no meaning behind your word. Now, I did throw in that if the man is up front with his woman and tells her "HEY I AM GOING TO BE WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN" and she knows this and is okay with it, then that's on her and its not cheating at that point.

BUT, if he does that behind her back, that's not right.

What are your thoughts?

He sounds a nob who is maybe trying to put you off him as he has too many women on his dating app right now.

I have a colleague who says things like this who is quite young, around 21/22. It’s really concerning how he talks about women and how it’s okay to cheat on his girlfriend but if she cheats she’s a “slag”. He definitely watches Andrew Tate videos which I’d be concerned about from this bloke too. I would throw this one back OP. He’s basically telling you it’s okay for him to cheat.

You said somewhere that he was explaining why men cheat. But it sounds more like he’s explained to you how women think, feel and behave. What a genius.

I wouldn’t bother trying to smart-arse-retort my way along with this guy, he’s a basic dick.

It also reads like you found this conversation reasonable and it didn’t offend you. Each to their own. I couldn’t listen to him (or you, sorry) if that’s considered a reasonable discussion on ‘why it’s ok men cheat’.

In what context did he raise Andrew tait?

How is that an interesting conversation!? This lame theory is so old, and absolute bullshit. Is this "man" 16 yo?

He sounds like he wouldn't know an original thought if it bit him.He sounds insufferable to be honest, he thinks he is a free thinker etc but is a bog standard penis follower who thinks by telling you this now you will be impressed by his "interesting" and refreshing approach (it has worked so far it seems). When he reminds you later on down the line that you're not allowed to be upset he cheated you won't know how to react.

Kings indeed.

Tell Henry the VIII that you know what happened with his cheated spouses and move on.

What exactly is "interesting" about this conversation?
It's just pure mysogny and if you continue talking to him or having any other full or .5 dates with him then you're crazy.

I would have been incensed by the drivel he was spouting & I wouldn't be surprised if the "my wife cheated on me ten years ago" is made up and it's actually the reverse.

Kick him into touch, you can do better.

The fact you're even entertaining another conversation with this prick says it all. You'll be back in approx 4 years time with a thread something like "DP has been cheating all through our relationship. We've got 2 kids and I've just found out I'm pregnant with our third. What should I do?"

There are other men out there, ones who aren't misogynistic. You've had 2 dates with the guy, you shouldn't be so invested at this point. He's waving his red flags at you, why do you need to sit him down and tell him you don't like his views? Just tell him he's not the man for you and date someone else.

Well I hope it was two and half dates because he was telling you this on the third date and you ditched him there and then.

In our next conversation, I'm going to lay it down and tell him that I have no intention with being with someone who is going to go into multiple relationships with me. Good luck, I'm sure that'll make all the difference

My thoughts are you would be silly to even enter into another conversation with him. You say you'll speak to him tomorrow, why?

He obviously has deeply misogiynistic views. A decent guy would not say these things. I would find it beyond weird for a date to be saying these things.

He's shown you who he is. He's not going to change his view. He's testing the waters to see how you react/ what he can get away with. Its not a joke, its serious.

If you have a conversation he will just tell you what you want to hear. Walk away now.

Are you referencing Anne Boleyn who was allegedly having a relationship outside of marriage but wasn’t really but Henry wanted rid so he could seek the male heir he wanted? He should have stuck with Anne of Cleeves.

This guy sounds idiotic: why are you still talking to him? Regardless of what he’s said, he’s clearly got a particular fixed mindset.

He’s not saying he has plans to cheat right now, but he is telling you that you can’t be upset with him if and when he does. As he’s also saying it’s natural/biology for men to be with multiple women, he’s setting up the idea that if he fancies someone outside the relationship, you shouldn’t expect him to do anything to resist.

If he thinks it’s worse when women cheat because of some (100% imaginary) innate emotional connection, I suspect you’ll find yourself accused of betraying him for looking at another man or having male friends at some point.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if his ex-wife “cheated” when she spoke to another man. Or that he cheated on her, she left him, he thinks she overreacted, and he’s classing her dating someone else after they broke up/before the divorce was finalised as her “cheating”. He sounds like exactly the type.

You said he brought up Andrew Tate - in what way?

I’d run a mile from this one OP.

It's a weird thing to talk about on an early date. I wonder what he was trying to process?

What a strange conversation from him. Men often leave the wives that they supposedly love for women they are sleeping with.
He sounds like an idiot.

My thoughts are “are you ok and how would you fall for this bullshit”

Jeez, do you really need to ask Mumsnet OP? Clearly the man is an arse - stop trying to rationalise why he might've said this and drop him! At this point, the bar is on the floor.

Why even have a next conversation?

Crikey. He is clearly showing you who he is.

You can do better.

The world according to the Tate Bros.

100% OP come on why are you even giving this man headspace. Say bye and move on.

Obviously he’s telling you he won’t be faithful, so presuming that’s important to you you’ll not be seeing him again.

This argument is pretty standard, through out history powerful men have had as many wives or mistresses as they could afford. The justification is that it's the natural order of things but actually the reason it happens is much simpler; rich powerful men are greedy and their waves and girlfriends just have to put up with it (perhaps they have more options in modern times). And that has example filtered down through time and social strata to your current boyfriend who has his oh so unoriginal version of it.

Polygamy was legal in Macau until fairly recently and there are still one or two rich old men with multiple wives, living fossils?

I couldn’t be with someone so stupid. He sounds like an absolute bore.