Interesting conversation I just had with a man about cheating... Want to hear others perspective.

[ForeverHopeful3]

I am in the "talking" phase with a man who's been pretty good to me so far! We're a few hours away from each other but we've gone on 2.5 dates and both were good, he's consistent, he's showing he's intentional with me, etc etc.

Today, we had an interesting conversation that somehow morphed into cheaters.

He was explaining to me why it's okay for men to have sex with multiple women, even in relationships, and why it's not the same for women.

Basically: first, its biological. Men have always had multiple women. He used the example of kings having multiple queens to have their children. He also said that when a man sleeps with a woman, he doesn't have to have an emotional connection to her. So when a man "cheats" on his girlfriend, she shouldn't leave him because he still loves her, and not the other girl. He just had the physical part with the other girl. But for a woman, its different, because most women need an emotional connection with the man before she sleeps with him. So her cheating on a man means she doesn't love her man anymore or she isn't emotionally connected to him. Also, he used examples of how Muslim men have multiple wives.

He did say he's not saying its right or wrong, he's saying that its okay for men to cheat because they still love whoever it is that they are married to or in a relationship with.

I said that cheating is a huge betrayal and it shows there's no meaning behind your word. Now, I did throw in that if the man is up front with his woman and tells her "HEY I AM GOING TO BE WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN" and she knows this and is okay with it, then that's on her and its not cheating at that point.

BUT, if he does that behind her back, that's not right.

What are your thoughts?

What the fuck is this? This is the most gaslighting manipulative piece of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life! He’s basically trying to brainwash you into believing it’s ok for him to cheat by feeding you some absolute utter shit about it being ok for him to cheat while telling you that he doesn’t like it being done to him!

If you both get together op, I can assure you he fully intends to cheat on you. But thinks you’ll be so brainwashed you’ll just brush it under the carpet and say “yeah it’s ok, he’s not emotionally connected to that woman so it’s acceptable”. But god forbid you cheat on him ooooffff you’d be the biggest traitor in the universe! He’s setting you up to basically be his doormat whilst controlling you! I’ve never heard such manipulative controlling fucking bullshit in my whole life! The guy sounds dangerous… at least to your mental health anyway!

What I will tell you though is that he has absolutely no emotional connection with you either if he’s happy to cheat on you!

will we ever have a reply to the, “ what on earth is 0.5 date?”, query? 😊

If OP isn’t listening to the common sense on here then I suspect she thinks she will be ‘different’ and that he either would never want to cheat on her because she is ‘the one’ or she thinks he wouldn’t dare cheat on her now she has told him, in no uncertain terms, that she would dump him if he did. Easier to say when you’ve only been on a couple of dates, not so easy if it’s five year’s down the line and you have marriage, children and a mortgage to factor in.

Even if you didn’t have those things you will invest your time and emotions on a man with these views and will end up getting hurt.

Out of curiosity, did he say why his wife cheated?

But he did say he doesn’t think a woman should leave a man because the man slept with someone else that didn't involve an emotional connection.

That viewpoint alone is enough to call time on this.

He clearly is though, if he's arguing that he thinks it's fine for men to cheat why would he not cheat on you?

He used the example of kings having multiple queens to have their children.

If he's referring to English/British history, men had multiple queens because women died in childbirth and the childhood mortality rate was high. Wrong.

He also said that when a man sleeps with a woman, he doesn't have to have an emotional connection to her. So when a man "cheats" on his girlfriend, she shouldn't leave him because he still loves her, and not the other girl. He just had the physical part with the other girl. But for a woman, its different, because most women need an emotional connection with the man before she sleeps with him. So her cheating on a man means she doesn't love her man anymore or she isn't emotionally connected to him.

Generalizations and stereotypes. Wrong.

Come on. He just told you he's going to cheat and using dumb examples because he thinks he's smarter than he is. 🤡

Don't even bother with this one.This is long distance too, so there's no reason to invest any more time into a guy who thinks he can justify cheating and that polygamy is ok. He's not interesting, he's your basic run of the mill cheater.

I would cut this relationship dead straight away.
I absolutely cannot tolerate double standards.
He is also talking bollocks.
If you have to speak to him again, mention the fact that women get pregnant far easier when they have sex with lots of different men. It makes their sperm perform better when they detect the presence of foreign sperm. Having sex with the same men is not what nature intended- fact.
I old engage with someone who lacks critical thinking, he sounds thick.
.

Well he's a bit of a bell-end isn't he.

He's not wrong that men and women have different base impulses. There's hundreds of thousands of years of evolution pushing men towards spreading their genetics as far and wide as possible. There's then thousands of years of socialisation pushing us towards the fact that you can do that, but you need to keep it quiet otherwise your community will ostracise you.

But he's using that as a reason why he has to be able to have multiple partners. And it's bollocks, because he has free will, and could choose to be monogamous if he wanted to be.

I'm not a naturally monogamous person. I could happily sleep with multiple people while being in love with DP. If I thought I could sleep with someone behind DPs back and there be absolutely no chance of her ever finding out about it, then I'd probably do it. But that 0% chance doesn't exist, there's always a risk of an STD or someone finding out, and DP finding out with hurt her. And I refuse to hurt her. So I don't cheat.

This guy doesn't want to choose monogamy. But most women aren't interested in a man who doesn't choose monogamy, so he's trying to get the best of both worlds. He's laying out his stall early. "Oh, I don't want to cheat on you, but all men cheat, evolution makes us do it. So you can't blame me when I do it"

He's a coward. If he wants to play the field, he could at least be honest about it.

If monogamy is overrated, why isn't he still with his cheating wife?

You have a low bar for what you define as interesting.

Sorry if this has already been said, I haven’t RTFT, only OP’s posts.

If you want to talk about biological self interest, since ancient times, women have sought out loyal and dependable men with good “provider” qualities to ensure the future of their offspring. Men have sought out loyal partners as they want to know that the baby they are raising is their own.

Anyone having multiple sexual partners (unprotected, as we would have been since very, very recently) runs the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, and having a monogamous relationship with someone who has multiple sexual partners would obviously still increase your risk.

Even in today’s times, where women can have unprotected sex without protection with men who have clear STD screens, doing so with multiple partners (too close together) increases the risk of cervical cancer because the sperms of different men actually fight inside and produce toxins.

And why would he say “I’m not going to cheat though” if he actually thinks it’s normal and hardwired?

I wouldn’t bother talking to him again. He hasn’t developed his ideas beyond something that justifies his gross desires.

😂

Because what's sauce for the gander isn't sauce for the goose, according to his Handbook of Misogyny.

The double standards he has are kinda glaring.

Wow everyone! This blew up overnight!

I was very tired when we were having this conversation so not everything was "on." Lol

Yes I agree, my FH is never going to tell me that cheating is ok, in any circumstance, ever. I have NEVER cheated on anyone before, and the thought of someone doing it to me has NEVER crossed my mind because I am just not that kind of person so why would I attract that energy?

We are not in a relationship or anything close to it. I met him online, he lives like 4ish hours away actually, and he came out to see me for date #1 and I went out to see him for date #2, and in between, I had to fly to his city for some personal business and he picked me up from the airport and we had lunch before I flew right back after doing what I had to. So that was where I got the 0.5 lol

I have hard boundaries and I will not tolerate any of this nonsense. But I do want to point out one thing to him and see his reaction/answer:

He has a 10 year old daughter. I want to ask him, "So one day, your daughter gets married to a well-off man who loves her wholeheartedly, and a year into their marriage she comes to you crying because she just found her husband has been sleeping with his co-worker. What would you say to her? Then she comes back a month later and tells you, 'Now he's sleeping with 3 other women at his job', what you tell her its okay? WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO MURDER THAT POS HUSBAND OF HERS???"

Ridiculous.

He is setting himself up to be "better than other men".
Other men do that thing and he doesn't do that thing, so he (wants you to see him as) "better than other men".

Why? He’s not going to suddenly see the light because you bring up his daughter. He’s a vile misogynist chancer, why waste another moment of your life on him?

Move on.

increases the risk of cervical cancer because the sperms of different men actually fight inside and produce toxins.

Source?

Sounds like you’ve just met my ex husband. Good luck!

edited to add that I didn’t cheat on my ex, but he was a compulsive liar so still could be him 😂

Why would have not cheat? If he thinks it’s okay and natural.

Google it. I read about it years ago but a quick google will provide more in depth explanations or further reading if you’re interested

So women have to have feelings for a man to sleep with them, but then it’s ok to just be using them? It doesn’t make sense in all sorts of ways, men like that don’t care about the one they’re with or the ones they are using.

I did Google it and found nothing to support this claim.
Sperm don't 'fight and produce toxins'.
The biggest risk factor for cervical cancer is HPV.
It's true that sperm can worsen cervical cancer but it doesn't have to be from multiple men.
https://healthcare-in-europe.com/en/news/semen-can-worsen-cervical-cancer.html

Well it was a long time ago, I read that prostaglandins and other chemical compounds created when sperm from more than one man mixed in the uterus - almost as if it’s a biological imperative to stop another sperm procreating. You can ignore me if you think that’s wrong. When I did a quick search after you asked a few things popped up, but I didn’t go and conduct a thorough research on the spot.

The point was: we have biological incentives towards fidelity. The OP’s “interesting conversationalist” had said men have a biological incentive to multiple partners, which I don’t see evidenced.

Y'all this is the first time, ever, that I have had such a conversation with a man. But yes, this one is already back in the ocean. I do not have the time nor the energy to deal with these clowns.

Good decision, OP. You should thank him (in your head not to his face) for showing you who he is early on.

May men like that continue to reveal themselves so we can continue to swerve them.

I think you have one of these entitled, misogynistic, porn riddled Andrew Tate followers.

Well done OP, you have saved yourself a lot of hassle, if not heartbreak, later.