Interesting conversation I just had with a man about cheating... Want to hear others perspective.

[ForeverHopeful3]

I am in the "talking" phase with a man who's been pretty good to me so far! We're a few hours away from each other but we've gone on 2.5 dates and both were good, he's consistent, he's showing he's intentional with me, etc etc.

Today, we had an interesting conversation that somehow morphed into cheaters.

He was explaining to me why it's okay for men to have sex with multiple women, even in relationships, and why it's not the same for women.

Basically: first, its biological. Men have always had multiple women. He used the example of kings having multiple queens to have their children. He also said that when a man sleeps with a woman, he doesn't have to have an emotional connection to her. So when a man "cheats" on his girlfriend, she shouldn't leave him because he still loves her, and not the other girl. He just had the physical part with the other girl. But for a woman, its different, because most women need an emotional connection with the man before she sleeps with him. So her cheating on a man means she doesn't love her man anymore or she isn't emotionally connected to him. Also, he used examples of how Muslim men have multiple wives.

He did say he's not saying its right or wrong, he's saying that its okay for men to cheat because they still love whoever it is that they are married to or in a relationship with.

I said that cheating is a huge betrayal and it shows there's no meaning behind your word. Now, I did throw in that if the man is up front with his woman and tells her "HEY I AM GOING TO BE WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN" and she knows this and is okay with it, then that's on her and its not cheating at that point.

BUT, if he does that behind her back, that's not right.

What are your thoughts?

I would have listened intently and then said that he clearly doesn’t understand women nor has he had their viewpoint. I would have told him that the notion that women don’t cheat because they need /have an emotional connection is myth, probably made up by men to justify them cheating. I would say that many women, like many men, like to have sex and given we have (and have had for a long time) contraception and condoms it’s safer for us now. I would ask him who all these men are cheating with - just single women? Or perhaps women that are in a relationship already (after all his wife cheated on him). I would leave it hanging and see if he asks you if you would cheat.

On a final note he sounds a twat, I mean who tells their potential partner that it’s ok for men to cheat!

If you go forward with this man then don't start crying when he cheats on you.

Oh please...

@JolenepleasetakeawaymymanAgree with the pp. He is very clearly setting out his stool.

Thank you 🙏 My favourite typo/misspell of the year so far.. and strangely appropriate for the pile of shit this man is feeding the OP

You aren't listenning to all the comments from all the ladies here telling you that this is a full on red flag parade. You clearly don't want to ditch this guy and would prefer to stick your head in the sand so go for it.

BUT - whether he says "I am not talking about ME" or not - clearly his opinion is that it is ok for a guy to cheat. This is not the opinion of a guy you want to date unless you are ok with non-monogamy. Guys who don't cheat also don't think it's ok. Guys who do cheat do so because they think it's ok and/or think they can get away with it.

If you don't ditch him now then please preserve this moment for later reflection as the moment where ou should have ditched him.

He's telling you quite clearly how he views women, sex and relationships. Personally I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

He's basically pointing out what alot of us know already about how men's brains work not that it makes it right.
At least you have a pre advance warning

Tell him that if he is correct then a decent man won't cheat on his partner because he knows how much monogamy matters to women. Surely that argument is as valid as his "Men cheat because fidelity doesn't matter to them"?

Indeed. He was definitely testing the water - but his justification for men cheating is prime misogyny.

I'd throw this one back, OP.

Oh good lord, just listen to the twat.
See ya!

Thoughts? Please tell me you're not seriously contemplating a relationship with this man.

I fail to see what's biological about kings having multiple queens.
And the idea that men don't need an emotional connection to have sex but women do is VERY tired indeed.
I mean, he's telling you what a snake and a loser he is. Be grateful you've had a clear heads-up, is what I'd take from it.

Id start dating someone else at the same time so he knows how it feels cause im petty 🤣

The one decent thing he’s done is tell you up front who he is - even if he claims he’s not talking about himself. He is though, we all know this.

Andrew Tate alone would be enough to chuck him back but the whole package should have had you hit the block button quicker than an incel can say ‘I’m a nice guy’.

I highly doubt his wife cheated on him. Because he’d have been fine with it surely - another man needing to have sex with his wife is just how men are programmed. There’s bound to be overlap. 🙄

You can do better.

He's already telling you that he thinks it's acceptable for men to cheat and that it's ok even though he knows that the way that women think that they wouldn't cheat as much. That have doesn't care how a woman would feel to cheated on and that they should be ok with that. Also the others being used that it doesn't matter how they feel.

Seriously OP hes waving a red flag so big I'm surprised you didn't get knocked over by it! Of course he's going to say he's not going to cheat! Hardly going to say otherwise!! His whole attitude stinks and he doesn't regard men and women equally.

Just bin.

OP you could basically condense his argument to: it's ok for men to cheat because the patriarchy exists.

All of his reasons are either misogynist bollocks or examples of patriarchal oppression.

He'd have been defending slavery back in the day.

You can do better. No man's dick is so incredible its worth overlooking serious personality flaws for.

😂😂😂😂😂 imagining himself as being like a king ‘having’ multiple women.

It’s straight out of the incel handbook.

Get rid of this deluded misogynist.

Even if his position is that he personally would not cheat, it is a misogynist POV, makes the excuse that men, all these years after civilisation, should just succumb to some primal need to fuck around.

Also, the idea that women should not be upset at male cheating shows his assumption that women should adjust their behaviour and responses to what suits men. Rather than the other way around.

And he clearly has no understanding of the power Muslim men with multiple wives or Tudor kings have over women.

To the extent of beheading them. Or Muslim men having multiple wives but women who sleep with another man can be stoned to death.

He is an old fashioned sexist misogynist and not very bright.

Perfect application of ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’.

Christ, what a prick. I'd be chuffed he'd saved me from wasting my time dating him only to find out he's a prick later on. Red flags waving all over the place. I can't fathom how or why you're considering any more dates with him but, rest assured, his attitude towards women will become an issue.

Exactly same as mine. He thinks men (or women) cheat are the pits and relationship over.

So it's okay for men to cheat, the poor little things can't help or control it. If a woman does it she should be dumped at once.
He's a twat and obviously going to cheat on you (or any woman) if you get in to a relationship with him.
Tell him you're looking for an actual man, not a man who behaves like a hormonal teenager.

we've gone on 2.5 dates and both were good, he's consistent, he's showing he's intentional with me

You've been on 2 dates (and a half whatever the fuck that is) 2 dates! He's hadnt had time to be consistent FFS. Yet here we are after 2 dates and he's already showing you he's a prick and you're defending him. Christ, wake up and block him and have a good think about why you are entertaining such an asshole. Have you got a history of choosing and putting up with crap men?

Tbh I think he's right that a lot of men who cheat still love their partners and have no intention of leaving and it doesn't change their feelings for them.

That's not the point, though. The point is that they're breaking a promise to this person they love and they know how devastated it would make her. The fact that they feel unchanged by it doesn't make it OK, as should be recognised because, by his own admission, he doesn't feel that way when the woman cheats.

A lot of people find it worse when the affair was meaningless than if they were in love as a couple.

He's also talking shite about there being no history of cultures where women had multiple husbands.

I think he's a dickhead and not worth bothering with for one minute more.

I also think he is playing a game by being so upfront. He's seeing if you will take the "pick me" bait and try to be the one who can tame his oh-so-biological urges. Of course he plans to cheat, he's seeing if you're a pushover.

The fact that you haven't already binned him off does cause me to wonder about your standards - unless all you are looking for is a shag.

God,this idiot must have been talking to my family (I'm nc with the lot of them)

I have my mother (a narcissist) my enabler father,then me (the scapegoat) and my 3 brothers (one is the golden boy)

I was brought up hearing comments like

'Women are genetically programmed to work the washing machine'
'Women belong in the kitchen'
'Women are the property of men'
'Husbands are the one in charge'
'Women are only fit to have babies and wipe toliets'
'When we get old,you (points at me) must be around to service our needs,they (points at my brothers) have penises,they can't be expected to wipe our arses!'

Fast forward to us being adults
'Abortion should be illegal'
'If a woman has an abortion,she should hang too' (don't get me started on their views on the death penalty)
'Husbands are in charge of the wives bodies'
'Women are just pussies to be fucked'
'Women should not drive/have jobs/go outside without a man'
'If a woman gets attacked by a man,it's her own fault'
'Women are only there to serve men'
'They have the right idea when they cut off womens clits'

Many more but you get the idea-my brothers have taken this and ran with it ('we are men!we are everything-women are nothing')

One of the claptraps they come out with is 'a man cannot control their basic biology,if he wants to fuck around,then he can'

But also 'a woman fucks around,and she should be shamed and beaten' (and at one point 'hung')

They thought all their birthdays and Christmases had come at once when they caught wind of Tate ('at last!someone gets it!')

(None of this applies to my mother though-shes the queen,her word goes and she's the most vocal of this utter bollocks of the lot of them)

But,all 3 of my brothers can't understand why women won't put up with this

They cheat,they get dumped
They hit her,she walks
They start spouting this shite,the date doesn't go any further

Thank God for my grandad when I was growing up,he taught me my worth and 'the only things I can't do as a woman is donate sperm or play men's football' (this was the 80's when women's football wasn't really a thing-hed have loved the lionesses)

I'd not just throw this one back,id fling him as far as I could throw him and I'd run as fast as I could

(And on the subject of Tate,I've never seen anyone with such a weak chin and his struggle with his closet door-hes gay,he just doesn't want to be gay and is making money from his hate,which is why he does it)