AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

No, onca married none of that matters. It's a joint asset now, and anything over 5 years isn't considered a short marriage. He won't be entitled to OPs ex's share if that is court ordered, but OPs share of the equity will go in the pot with all other assets. This is why marrying when you have assets and the partner doesn't is very risky, especially if one party already has children as it will impact them too.

I pay all bills he gave me a limited amount of cash towards his food and board it didn't even cover our child's nursery bull.

He changed a lot once we got married tbh it was but by bit over time it got worse I lived in hope for a long time. I was really in love with him it devastating having to consider another divorce I have tried and tried to make things work

When it comes to financial settlements it really doesn't matter who paid what since it's not cosidered a short marriage. When you got married you agreed to legally join your finances.

I feel this. I'm so sorry. Have you tried counselling?

I know I've made a very stupid mistake. It's hard to explain he ups himself then gives me breadcrumbs he improves then goes back to his old ways after 18 months of things being good before the wedding I thought he'd finally changed 😭

Absolutely I should have known by the way he dealt with the ex wife

Time for your second divorce. Why this man married you if he doesn't want ready home and life with you. Any other man would be drooling over such an easy life

Whoever mentioned moving school isn't an issue it is my child does not adapt well to change and she's had a lot to deal with . Also took a lot to get that school place I won't find one anywhere as good she's happy there and I wasn't expecting her to settle she's the youngest in school just made 4.

Yea but he didn't join did he..

Divorce first. Once you buy the house whilst married to DH2, he has a claim because that court order will not be relevant anymore as DH1 is selling. The house is you family home and you'd be buying it whilst married to DH2. The fact that he has not contributed directly is not that relevant. Mortgages might come from one account but that doesn't mean the other person has no claim. If he's playing for other stuff, like bills or nursery costs or whatever, I might not even be considered unmatched capital. If he's been living there for 6 years and you've been married for 2, and you are all living together with your DD in that house, it's a marital home. It's protected at the moment with the court order that says you own it 50/50 with your ex, but once you buy it, you current husband might have a claim towards your 100% ownership. If DH1 and you sell it, DH2 might have a claim to these funds as part of marital assets. You've already said he wants to buy a new build with that money. The only way I see to protect your property is to divorce him first OR for DH1 to sell his part to your 3 children. Could they afford a mortgage between the three of them at, let's say, £200/month? You could then get a lodger and cover that cost for them. If something were to happen, they would have a portion of that house guaranteed and your DH2 couldn't sell the house without their agreement.

You’ve been married 6 years, so would think that some of your money and assets will be lost when you divorce. Would seek legal advice asap on what the financial settlement will likely be and any ways you can influence the settlement.

No, unfortunately not but that still doesn’t matter. Unless there’s a prenup (and that sometimes doesn’t even help) your family home is still a shared asset unfortunately (excluding your exh’s share).

Oh??

so the first 4 years he was living with you he was paying towards the mortgage then???

You can’t have it both ways.

Either he didn’t pay towards the house, bills, marriage etc. in which case you married him (and put all your assets at risk) knowing this,
Or he has actually been contributing towards the house/bills etc.

No but he was better to me and treated me better but he has kept his finance completely separate and not paid his fair share his money covered his food really. Our daughters nursery bill was more than he paid . I did put my foot down a bit a couple of years ago and asked he pay more as cost of living him living here it's been very complicated from his point of view it's not his house but will he try to make it so and go for equity.

With respect @Isamummy2021 , when you got divorced and agreed to buy ex out of house, did you have an idea where the finance to buy ex out would come from. Did you have those funds? What happened to it?

or did you not have any funds or hope of securing funds through earnings or another property etc and therefore you never had any prospects of buying ex put? Which then mean, your plan was to sell and find another home you could afford?

Just wanting to understand your circumstances as a bit confiding. Or was your immediate plan at meeting new husband was: aha! He will pay ex out when the time comes; and at the time he agreed- of course he would agree- so he could stay there. If that’s the case, just stick to your original plan as husband’s offer was never genuine? So you just sell and continue with original plan? Your other adult kids are going to uni, so you will still be able to house new kid as per your original
plan.

It's a lot I know it's confusing. I would have been in a different position wouldn't I when me and ex split I never planned on falling for someone and having another child. Nursery bills have depleted any excess earnings and I've struggled. Those have now stopped she's at school so that would cover the potential mortgage on this place, so it helps that's freed up 600 plus per month. I'm considering moving in with my mum now if I can't but this but not 100% I don't want to put on her as much as she says it's fine I'm worried she's just not going to cope she isn't well and needs calm and quiet not constant noise she has tinnitus and labyrinthitis and COPD so she's not great.

@Isamummy2021 you said last night that the court order re the house has been in place since before you met your husband, then this morning at 10.23 you said that it’s been in place for three years (so after you had your youngest child), then now you say you were in a different position and didn’t know you were going to gave a 4th child etc when this plan of buying your ex out was made. It’s very contradictory.

I am not quite 100% on the date it went on a long time with COVID. To be fair all if this has really affected my mental health because we're actually facing homeless but for my mum and you can imagine juggling a full time job with it all as well being pretty much a single parent. The order was definitely in place before I married my now husband as it was divorce and finances done together not sure if it was 22 sometime. It makes 0 difference to the situation in any event. I'm also struggling to come to terms with another divorce me and my ex were together 23 years in total I never expected that to end it's all been really tough.

I've just looked at that comment and I think I meant prior to marrying although I'm wondering if it was before it's really dragged on ill have to dig out the order I need to see a solicitor in any event. My mum thinks he's trying to get the equity and won't be able to if I can keep my house ready until our child has grown by then though he'd probably get mire. Anyways I'm going to see someone and try get a plan.

I think it’s really smart to seek professional advice and you will need to show them the court order so they know what they’re dealing with.

I think nowadays clean breaks a hugely favoured by the courts so you might not be able to stay in the house until your 4 year old is an adult. If it gets to point where you can’t afford to buy out your exh and current h the house will just have to be sold. By marrying your new h the house equity will now be split between the three of you with your exh entitled to the majority. It is better to divorce sooner rather than later though. He’s been bleeding you dry for long enough.

Do current husband has been living in your ex- marital home for 6 years.

You can't afford the mortgage on your own.

He (understandably) wants to move, but you feel on the brink of divorce because of this.

Fair enough to not want to move far away, but you sound quite selfish. He gets to pay but doesn't get a say in where he lives.

So your ex got a say in where you all live, but he doesn't?

Your first post says

Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me.

But then you say your current husband doesn't contribute.

I'm confused

You did the opposite of putting your foot down!

You married him and gave away your money, putting your entire family in a big mess!

Not sure what's confusing. At the moment she's paying all the mortgage and he's paying other expenses. If they split, she'll have to pay all the mortgage plus also all the expenses he's currently paying. Even if he's not contributing much and he's spending it on himself/cars, she cannot afford to pay the mortgage and also everything. That said, OP, if he pays child maintenance, you might end up better off, considering he pays so little towards the overall household combined expenses, and that nursery is finishing soon.