AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

[Isamummy2021]

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

Don't sell, begin divorce, look at getting summer students, boarders..anything to stay where you are embedded and happy. Get rid of the freeloader who will never change...do not give him access to YOUR equity. You will be happier without him

Yes i acknowledged that big the sand goes to him. He had pensions so she needs legal advice before she proceeds

Hi please get some legal advice before buying the home especially around making sure your current husband doesn’t manage to get it. Do this ASAP. You have said your husband is using you and you buying the house will mean he may be entitled to it so make sure you and your children are financially secure for him and get sound legal advice ASAP!!!

Plus if OP stays in the family home he can be asked to wait for any equity until your daughter grows up. It feels unlikely he will have any rights to something he hasn't contributed to though...evidence of 'significant contribution' is generally required

MNs favourite phrase, he’s a cocklodger!

cut him off, go for his pension, he owes you for supporting him all these years. Also go for full custody and max child support. See if ExH is willing to rent property to you for a while until you can sort yourself out.

I can't imagine the strain OP 💐💐💐💐 talk to your exH, take action ...legal advice and don"t risk your financial future with this wastrel 🌅

It may be worth remembering that a 'short' marriage is generally considered to be 5 years or less, and co-habitation time can also be taken into consideration. Obviously this has implications for any financial settlement.

With regard to your youngest, as your husband is all about appearances, is it possible he would prefer to spin things to blame you for parental alienation and not see her, thereby making himself the victim, than actively parent her? Just a thought.

Kick him out apply for child maintenance use that to top up your money and get the mortgage yourself

If you decide to separate he will have to pay CM, and on a higher income than your own this could make a difference for you. If you can buy ex-DH out at lower than market rate, you may be able to negotiate going interst-only for a short time to free up some income - I wouldn't recommend doing this long term but as a short term help over a difficult time it might help. Good luck xx

He sounds really alfwul OP. Try to see a solicitor ASAP. As it's been under two year ( just) this is nest time to get out before he claim on your assets but you need urgent legal advice.

A two bed with two separate living rooms would be good as then the teens can have one as a room when home from uni.

He’s not the man you thought he was, and why should you compromise and move to a rubbish new build away from your mum and child’s school. Your point of view of staying in the house and buying ex out is the most sensible.
Financial advice from a family / divorce solicitor is needed before anything moves further.

If its still the case with shared ownership, most of the time you can never eventually purchase the house outright. You still end up paying right forever

From the information provided by the OP, the new husband does contribute just not to the cost of the 3 children who have a father. That father has continued to support their housing costs by allowing the OP to stay in FMH and presumably also paid child support for his 3 children. The OP was not funding them 100% on her own. Her ex husband is gifting her even more money by selling his half below market price. And she still hasn’t given him his money.

Despite the rhetoric against her current husband the OP is also taking advantage of someone. Whilst claiming to pay for everything. She blatantly doesn’t.

So he earns more than you, only contributes 20% of household costs (over a 6 year period), but he can barely pass affordability checks? Divorce the loser and try not to put yourself in such an awful situation next time.
I'll never understand women stupidly subsidising men at theirs and their children's expense.
It would've been cheaper being single.

You need legal advice. You were so silly marrying the guy sadly. You say he never treated your kids like you were a family unit and yet you MARRIED him??? Your ex sounds very very decent.

Honestly I think rip off the plaster, chuck him out and start the divorce process, he’s not going to change is he. Ask your ex to give you a bit more time to sort yourself out while you seek legal advice etc.

I'm struggling to see why you married him.
If I were you I'd instruct solicitors and sort the divorce asap, then id sell, move in with my mum for a bit, take the equity and buy a small 3 bed.
I actually think he probably has more debt than you are aware of .
You paid for 80pc and he hasn't paid anything for years - What's he spending his money on. He should have been able to buy the car outright given this expenses are sow low.

Shared ownership at 53 ? When you dont have the do that? He's thinking of absolutely noone but himself!

Good advice OP..You need ro get rid of him..He's a sponger.

This.

I wish you well OP & am praying to the stars that you get the house on a lone mortgage.

Similarly, I was a single parent paying a big mortgage on my own with 2 little ones. I bought my ex-H out, but could only do this as he paid a chunk of maintenance. He was & is a good man & great dad. 17 years later I'm still in our house & we have a great relationship. He bought a flat, which he's still in. Has never been bitter about me having the big house.

Where we differ is with the next man in our lives. My DP of 15 years moved in here 13 years ago (as DS3 was born). He's contributed half of mortgage & bills from the word go, & been the most wonderful father, including step-father. Crucially he's never pushed to be on the mortgage- it's still in my name only- & I have such massive respect for him because of this. He & my ex get on brilliantly, even taking our 2 older boys on biking/ hiking trips together , & ex joined us all on holiday for a few days this year.

There are great men out there. Honestly get rid of this one. You made a mistake- that's okay, now you just deal with it. You seem strong 💪, show that for your daughter. ❤️

Split and buy out the old house.
Take in a couple of female student lodgers.

Your now husband hould have been paying you rent.
He will keep dodging paying his fair share.

Could you convince your DH to buy this house under the premise that you’d be buying below market value, so could look in a couple of years to sell and move once this house has increased even more in value? And then hopefully there will be other reasons in a few years to need to stay where you are, if that’s what you still want to do.

I think you should see a lawyer first. At the moment the court order prevents him having a share in your house (hopefully), but this might change once you buy out your ex. It might be safer to start divorce proceedings first.

Also, I understand that you don’t want DD alone with him, but you’ve probably got a better chance of him disappearing if you frame it that ‘he’ll need to take responsibility for child care at least every other weekend, so you can have some freedom to move on with your life’.

Not had time to read the whole thread yet, will come back to it this evening, but my first thoughts are that you need to divorce him. If I were you, as you have a good relationship with your ex, you should speak to him and halt the sale, then do everything you possibly can to buy him out (after your divorce and clean break so your ex definitely gets nothing). You do need legal advice though. Do you own half the house yourself? Because if you do, paying your ex 50% isn't a good deal like you are saying it is, it's simply giving him his half.

This really is tricky financially, you really need GOOD legal advice on all of this.

Ultimately, your end goal is to divorce your husband and do everything you can to keep your current home.

Why did you move him in and marry him if he did not treat you like a family unit with your 3 excisting kids? I know they have an active family but they should not have had a man move in who did not care for them. You seem pretty selfish to me.

You need to find a good solicitor and get legal advice about your home and the situation you are currently in. You need to divorce your current husband and ensure that he does not have a chance to get a big financial gain from your home.

Your present husband is 53 and wants your equity to buy a new build on a shared ownership scheme. Along with this he takes out a car loan for a sports car £30,000 when he knows that it now time for him to start paying for a mortgage on your current home. He has left you to pay most of the costs on your house for the past few years. I would show a solicitor proof of this. I also gather up all your financial information and try and get his financial information as well.

To be honest at 53 he should be jumping at a chance to have a far lower mortgage on a house in a nice area. Shared ownership might be ok for someone of say 25-30 that has time and say good career progression to buy out the shared part. He is 53 and does he still want to be paying for the share part with his old aged pension?

He has made plenty of financial mistakes and now expects you to fund what he wants and doing this will make you worse off financially. You have to far distance to drive your daughter to school which won't work. The schools near the next house he wants not be good. Then your further away from your mother and you may be providing her some help to enable her to stay in her own home. I know siblings that are doing this so the parents can stay out of a nursing home and that in time they will have an inheritance.

I would tell your ex husband that you are going to divorce your current husband and that your getting legal advice on this. See if he is willing to leave things as they are with your current home because you don't want your soon to be ex husband to benefit financially from your current home.