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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU brink of divorce - husband won't help but my ex husband out of property

266 replies

Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 22:51

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

OP posts:
everythingthelighttouches · 13/09/2025 12:24

The day you married him (after 4 years of him living with you for free and being an arse??!!!!)

You gave away some of your assets to him and your older children’s inheritance to him.
Only you know why you did this.

I really feel for your ex who has financial assets tied up in this mess.

If I were him, I would insist on a sale ASAP. I wouldn’t want to have to wait for you to sort yourself out with your current husband.

Fluffyholeysocks · 13/09/2025 12:24

So he's relying on your equity in the property to buy the new build but he thinks its OK to buy a sports car at 30k? I'd play the same game, tell him if you sell you are putting 30k of your equity into accounts to save for your kids uni costs. If he wants a new build put in exactly the same deposit as him, after all if he wants a fresh start its best everything is equal isn't it?

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/09/2025 12:25

Don’t sell the house.
There is no rent that is cheaper than your mortgage.
Get rid of new husband.
By the time the divorce is through, your little girl won’t be five anymore and he is unlikely to want her occasionally for more than a couple of hours.

MyrtleLion · 13/09/2025 12:29

Can your mum or.other family help out with buying out your ex?

blueskies23 · 13/09/2025 12:35

Would your ex wait until after you divorced current husband before dividing the house?

lljkk · 13/09/2025 12:41

Initiate divorce from the current H you don't like and the other best choice decisions will manifest themselves.

Eviebeans · 13/09/2025 12:42

Divorce your current husband before buying the house

MadinMarch · 13/09/2025 12:46

Rainbow1901 · 13/09/2025 09:00

OP you obviously have a lot of things to consider here. From reading the previous posts you have got some really helpful advice but you really need to consider all your options.
Are any of your older children working? Are they paying keep? Moving house right now does not help your situation because of your mum, DDs school, work and you need to work with these in mind.
As already pointed out a new mortgage on the longest terms possible would help in the interim here - you can always overpay at a later date. If your DH is insistent on moving then you do so only on the terms that he matches your equity input. So for example if you put in 50K he puts in 50K - if he can't match it then the move isn't happening and don't budge on that point.
To a certain degree he is being financially abusive but given that you have other children that muddies the waters a bit as he has obviously never considered them as part of his family.
Going for shared ownership is a nightmare so don't go there - where he wants you to move to is out of your budget and if you can only buy a new build in this way then he can't afford it either!
On a more serious note (temporarily) have you made a will - if not - get one pronto and leave your house to your children as otherwise he would automatically inherit your house.
Back to the money side of things you seem to be managing pretty well with your input so would his pathetic contribution really make a huge amount of difference if you didn't have it? You say you have a large amount of equity could you draw on this to buy out your exDH? You have a lot to consider and talking to a mortgage broker should be the first step to see what they can procure for you. As for DH - get rid!

A very good point about making a will asap!

summitfever · 13/09/2025 12:48

Damn op, please cut your losses here. If you have to sell your house anyway, take your equity and cut your cocklodger loose, he’s walking all over you.

I know it’s not ideal to rent but if that’s what you need to do, then that’s what you need to do. Not everyone can afford to own a house. Whilst using your equity to subsidise you, frantically apply for promoted posts at work to boost your income and hopefully you can buy again when in a better position. Or even ask ex for a years grace to find a better job and kick h out so he has to may maintenance. Sounds like that would be more than what the selfish pig contributes living there!

Benefit thresholds change all the time, apply and see what happens, calculator isn’t always accurate.

what a pig he is op.

Namechangerage · 13/09/2025 12:55

Isamummy2021 · 13/09/2025 09:48

He has never treated them like a step parent should when they were in school etc that's what I'm referring to here never treated us as a family unit. He also doesn't care that all these changes affect young children.

Show quote history

I just can’t get over this. He’s a prick but you are the one who enabled him to treat your kids like that.

You married and had a kid with this bastard that never accepted your kids. So now you reap what you sow…

MadinMarch · 13/09/2025 12:59

MimiSunshine · 13/09/2025 09:30

I think you need to speak to a solicitor. It sounds like at the moment your current H can’t touch your house you own with your ex.

but I’d be concerned that if you split after it’s sold then in theory he could go after the cash from the equity sitting in your bank account.
you say he wouldn’t because of his pensions but he could drain it through dragging things out and making you pay a lot of solicitors fees.

id cut your loses with him now. Get him out, figure out your affordability for the house and then see where you stand with the buy out of your ex.

I agree with this wholeheartedly!
You MUST go to a solicitor and find out where you stand with paying current H off in a divorce whilst you still live in the house. I would imagine 6 years would be seen as a fairly short marriage, especially with you half owning the asset pre marriage and him not paying much towards the costs of mortgage and family life and having DD to support going forward.
OP- is it possible he has a large amount of hidden savings? What's he been spending on all the 6 years he hasn't contributing much? Force him (via solicitors) to show you the pensions- maybe he's been saving heavily into those, and that wouldn't look good for him in any divorce settlement.
Once you've divorced, then you can consider your financial position and what your housing options are.
Hopefully your ex will be amenable to waiting a bit longer, but even if he isn't you may need to sit tight in the house anyway for the time being, and apologise profusely to ex for the inconvenience.
Look into getting a lodger asap after you kick current husband out.

Shonyiya · 13/09/2025 13:01

your husband sounds like a typical narcissist. He married you has a child with you all beacuse he was jealous of you and wanted to stop you living a good life. A lot of men are like this. You need to talk to a solicitor/ lawyer who has dealt with narcissists before you make any moves or plans. Also gather evidence. How many times he has dropped child off picked up from school, attended school meetings/parents night etc. evidence of when he has on his own taken child to doctor appointments jabs etc. if he has ever had her and any incident have been reported to the police or cps or neglect. Has she gotten out of the house and neighbours have brought her home and would they right a statement to say when and what happened. And guess what you took care of kids alone before. You can do it again if you have to. You do not need this waste of space

winnieanddaisy · 13/09/2025 13:06

I worry that if you get a mortgage now to buy your ex out and then split with your husband , then he will claim half the value of the house . At the moment you only own half of the house so he can only claim a quarter of any equity , whereas if you own the whole house he will be entitled to half of the equity .
I would get rid of him and ask your lovely ex if he would be patient and wait for his money till you’ve got rid of the dead weight in your marriage.

Flatbellyfella · 13/09/2025 13:29

How much is still owed on the mortgage?

Laundrywitch · 13/09/2025 13:42

The only adult with any standing in this entire scenario of your new family life is your ex husband!

It would be interesting to find out how this all came about. How on earth did you get your ex husband to agree to this cock lodger living in the house he paid for?

Your current DH is a selfish man baby who will forever put his own needs above everyone else’s. Ypir two adult children in Uni are more mature.

Divorce him and let him live in his car.

feltflower · 13/09/2025 13:46

This is absolutely key to your situation. Ensure you don't buy out you ex until financial settlement in place. If you divorce after you have bought ex out and the home is in your joint names he will be entitled to up to half it's market value. Possibly even If only you stay on the deeds as you are married with kids. If you do the financial settlement before you buy out he will only be entitled to half of your current share (I assume house is in you and your exes joint names) . Your current husband sounds like someone who will go after all he can get from you. People get nasty in divorce...especially people who are narcissists. Don't feel you can't go after his pension. There is no shame in that. He was able to build up that wealth in no small part because you paid the bills. As for your child . What are your options? Are you to stay in an unhappy marriage for years because you are worried about leaving him with her unsupervised. ? That cannot be a good option for you or her. Good luck . Get a lawyer and a good friend to sit with you and. Make a concrete plan. X

Christmasnewyear · 13/09/2025 13:49

HNRWT

Have you at least charged him rent since he moved in? This man used you- no wonder he is horrible to your dd. It’s all about him and what he can get.

this is where being clinical in dealings with romantic partners pays. I would have opened a fund into which we each contributed to pay off ex when tkme comes. His would be noted as rent.

unless obv @Isamummy2021 was wanting this man to buy out her ex. In which case, no. Charge him back dated rent and move on!

NovaF · 13/09/2025 13:59

If you are paying for 80% of all house expenses and all of the mortgage than you can live without the 20% your husband contributes. It will be doable. Your daughter will start school next year so you have one year nursery costs. I think you know you need to get rid of him. Your ex sounds reasonable. You will also be paying less on energy costs

I have to ask, as this is without shade, but why would you marry someone that would not be willing to he a step dad and take on your children too? If he is that crap with his own daughter then surely he was even colder with your older children. Why would you marry someone that essentially has said ‘your kids, your responsibility’. To not even pay 50% of the mortgage is parasitical, why was he not booted out before he moved in?

Laundrywitch · 13/09/2025 14:16

I think you need to engage the help of your ex DH.

Throw current DH out.

Arrange to stay in the house and give ex DH a bigger share of the equity once your divorce is finalized and you have a plan.

Ex DH willing to sell at a 50% loss anyway he seems approachable.

Mummy7777 · 13/09/2025 14:34

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2025 10:10

Divorce him and he'll have a stake in your house whether he's contributed or not

Get legal advice

Show quote history

That's not true. He won't have a stake - 2 years is a short marriage and he would need to evidence that he paid the mortgage and/or renovations.

Speak to your ex.

NotToday1l · 13/09/2025 14:40

Isamummy2021 · 12/09/2025 22:51

Hi everyone sorry it's long I'm going through hell. please advise I am on the brink of divorce over this. So as you will be aware house prices are through the roof . I have lived in the ex husband and mines home with our children until they have grown to uni age we are amicable and in fact ex husband has offered to sell to us at less than market value. House prices where I live are sky high as I'm sure they are everywhere. My now husband has lived here for 6 years. Now the time has come to buy ex out he won't help says he wants a new build. I get the need for a new start but our own daughter who is 4 has just started school 5 minutes from the house.She loves her little school class of 15 I do not want to move her home and school! He doesn't get change really affects kids especially our daughter she's really sensitive and highly strung!

The new builds are at least 40 minutes drive each way. I work full time too which is going to make mornings more hell I do all drop offs pick ups etc. don't particularly like new builds either. Here were near my mum who long term poorly, lovely neighbours and daughters best friend live on the same row. I'm really happy here as is our daughter.The house can be altered updated etc over time.

Problem is husband has bought himself an expensive car also at the time house needs to be bought this he did not need a new car just wanted it. affordability is now not great for him which is why he wants a new build I think shared ownership. He has even gone as far as saying we should rent but prices for a similar rental are 1400 upwards and they are pretty crap to be honest. He says he hates this house and he's not buying it. Even for our daughter sake I said even if we buy and stay until something comes along that we both like i mean we have been looking for months there's very little out there in our budget and certainly nothing better than current home it's an older home with amazing views in the hills 3 double bedrooms and large kitchen utility near village.

The new builds are in the middle of nowhere 20 ish miles from where we are, the area I live is old world we don't have any new builds here. In my opinion he hates the house because it needs to be bought no other reason I've paid for mortgage not him!
Also I have a lot of equity if I sell. He's not the man I thought everything is about him it's causing a lot of stress I can't afford to buy it alone im trying but on my income it's tricky with outgoings not much hope. I know people might think oh just move but I don't want to move miles away to suit him and waste every penny I have, it's all about him not our daughters needs and finances if we bought this together we would be better off than renting and less than market value means more equity. I truly feel like he's used me I really do he's quite happy going off to his mums for weeks on end since house went up for sale not helping me just doing what he wants. This man child is 53 he reminds me of a teenager. Were going to end up homeless if we split I can't afford rents and mortgage alone with my child and late teen son who still lives with me. My ex husband has been kinder. What's everyone's thoughts please? Thanks if you read this far

Your daughter is 4 and has just started school, she will have not made firm friendships yet and barely knows the other kids, moving her to a new school will not be an issue….that’s just silly

Mauro711 · 13/09/2025 15:01

Mummy7777 · 13/09/2025 14:34

That's not true. He won't have a stake - 2 years is a short marriage and he would need to evidence that he paid the mortgage and/or renovations.

Speak to your ex.

Show quote history

They have lived together for 6 years and have a 4 year old, once married it's the length of the relationship that counts, not the length of the marriage.

Mummy7777 · 13/09/2025 15:28

Mauro711 · 13/09/2025 15:01

They have lived together for 6 years and have a 4 year old, once married it's the length of the relationship that counts, not the length of the marriage.

Show quote history

But in order to have a share in the 'matrimonial home' he needs to demonstrate he contributed to the mortgage/house renovations.

He could also claim if he is able to evidence that he paid the bills and a failure to pay the bills means she would not have been able pay the mortgage. But to my knowledge the 1st is the big one.

Walkden · 13/09/2025 15:31

"But in order to have a share in the 'matrimonial home' he needs to demonstrate he contributed to the mortgage/house renovations."

Plenty of SAHM's may not contribute financially to house purchase or renovations but no one would say they are not entitled to a shared of wealth accrued ( including property equity) during the marriage.

MimiSunshine · 13/09/2025 15:34

Walkden · 13/09/2025 15:31

"But in order to have a share in the 'matrimonial home' he needs to demonstrate he contributed to the mortgage/house renovations."

Plenty of SAHM's may not contribute financially to house purchase or renovations but no one would say they are not entitled to a shared of wealth accrued ( including property equity) during the marriage.

Edited

The point being they are SAHM who are contributing in a huge way by raising the children and facilitating their husbands careers so they don’t have to worry about childcare responsibilities. Of course they are contributing and entitled to the family ‘wealth’.

so not the same situation to OP at all.