Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lied again….

160 replies

Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:30

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
User2025meow · 12/09/2025 08:32

Why do you think this is all you deserve?

Chilliprawnpls · 12/09/2025 08:36

I read just the first paragraph

OP he is a cheater, your marriage is rotten to the core, it’s over.

Do you really want this to be the rest of your life ?

ShoeeMcfee · 12/09/2025 08:36

Get rid. People don't change. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Chilliprawnpls · 12/09/2025 08:37

Children involved?

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 08:41

You’ve chosen to ignore the glaring red flags and continue in a relationship with a cheating liar and now you’re surprised he’s continuing to act the said way he always has because he knows there’s no consequences to his cheating because you’ll forgive time and time again.

You know he won’t change, this is who he is. You know you should end this farce of a marriage but I don’t think you will.

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:42

we have adult children. I have one daughter, he has two. We are very much a blended family. I see his girls as my own. But no kids together.

I spoke with my daughter about it and she was like get him in the bin. Don’t go through this again. But I keep thinking it was from the same period. And I have the tendency to overthink.

Do you think he’s hiding it to protect my feelings? Is it still going on?

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 12/09/2025 08:43

This is who he is. It’s who he will always be.

He wasn’t remorseful the first time, he sees nothing wrong in what he’s doing. This is his character.

So what will you do next?

Chilliprawnpls · 12/09/2025 08:43

So even your daughter knows about her scummy step father

op at least show you’re daughter you have a benchmark higher than the gutter

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 08:45

Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:42

we have adult children. I have one daughter, he has two. We are very much a blended family. I see his girls as my own. But no kids together.

I spoke with my daughter about it and she was like get him in the bin. Don’t go through this again. But I keep thinking it was from the same period. And I have the tendency to overthink.

Do you think he’s hiding it to protect my feelings? Is it still going on?

He’s not trying to protect your feelings, he’s lying to protect himself.

He’s a cheat and a liar, your daughter sees who he is why can’t you?

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:45

YesHonestly · 12/09/2025 08:43

This is who he is. It’s who he will always be.

He wasn’t remorseful the first time, he sees nothing wrong in what he’s doing. This is his character.

So what will you do next?

This is going to sound pathetic on my part. But he’s a people pleaser. I know he really struggles with upsetting people (apart from me) and I genuinely believe other than the ego boost from flirting he would have been doing it so not to upset the woman.

both women were considerably older than me. He is too. And I wouldn’t say they were his type. I just wish he would be better

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 12/09/2025 08:46

Why do you think so little of yourself??

FGS, leave him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/09/2025 08:47

Ugh. He’s a liar and a cheater. He won’t change, this is who he is. Surely you are worth more op? Don’t you deserve a man who you can trust? Clue: you are and you do. And the people pleaser bit? Next you’ll be telling us oops he slipped and found his willy in some unsuspecting woman but was too polite to stop…. Read your post back op. Dump this cretin.

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 08:48

Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:45

This is going to sound pathetic on my part. But he’s a people pleaser. I know he really struggles with upsetting people (apart from me) and I genuinely believe other than the ego boost from flirting he would have been doing it so not to upset the woman.

both women were considerably older than me. He is too. And I wouldn’t say they were his type. I just wish he would be better

Show quote history

Oh come on you can’t honestly believe that. You’re making excuses for his sleazy behaviour rather than face up to the reality that your husband is a grubby little lying cheat who gets off on sexting other women.

Why on earth is your bar so low that you not only accept this, you justify it?

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:49

I’m starting to think I really do think little of myself. I’m always anxious. Always overthinking.

He tells me hourly almost to stop overthinking even when I’m not. I know if I asked him about this it would me overthinking and he would dismiss it and it would be my fault

OP posts:
Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:50

I don’t mean to justify it. I think I’m just conditioned not to react. I’ve been sitting on this for days just feeling shit

OP posts:
SparklingRivers · 12/09/2025 08:53

If you stay with him at least get regular std tests. It's vanishingly rare that it's "just a kiss"

Endofyear · 12/09/2025 08:55

OP none of us can tell you what he's been up to or whether it's still going on. Just the fact that you are suspicious and don't trust him to tell you the truth speaks volumes. Even your own daughter thinks you're foolish to stay with him.

If you do stay with him, this is going to be your life - feeling anxious and worried about what he's up to, checking his messages and wondering what he's doing when he goes out. Is this really what you want? It's no way to live.

crazeekat · 12/09/2025 08:57

Op hes not a people pleaser, he is a self pleaser. U deserve more. All
he has learnt from u finding out is how to hide stuff better. Ur daughter needs to be your priority. Leave him. He is not going to change but u can. Once u don’t have to live with anxiety and overthinking u will wonder how u ever functioned before. Start making smart plans. Don’t stay with him for kids, u can still be with them. U need to leave for you. He doesn’t respect you.

AutumnFroglets · 12/09/2025 09:01

I told him if this ever happened again I was out.
So what are you waiting for? It's time to be out.

I mean technically it’s from the same period
So are you saying he never ended it? And you are okay with that because "technically" it's not a new relationship? 😮

ButSheSaid · 12/09/2025 09:05

It's not good for your adult daughter to hear about your boyfriend troubles, I speak from experience.

Forget this blokes words, focus on your financial security and a future free of shit men, living in peace. You don't need to have discussions with the boyfriend, just move on.

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:10

AutumnFroglets · 12/09/2025 09:01

I told him if this ever happened again I was out.
So what are you waiting for? It's time to be out.

I mean technically it’s from the same period
So are you saying he never ended it? And you are okay with that because "technically" it's not a new relationship? 😮

I assumed by the message asking her to stop, it had ended but the encounter the other day has made me question it

OP posts:
Drowningincokezero · 12/09/2025 09:11

It would be a no from me. Your partner should be your team mate and he's shady as hell as soon as your back is turned.
You get treated how you allow yourself to be treated. You can get a better man than him xx

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:13

ButSheSaid · 12/09/2025 09:05

It's not good for your adult daughter to hear about your boyfriend troubles, I speak from experience.

Forget this blokes words, focus on your financial security and a future free of shit men, living in peace. You don't need to have discussions with the boyfriend, just move on.

I know I shouldn't have involved her but I needed to speak to someone. She isn't a fan of his anyway so I knew it wouldn't affect their relationship.

He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. There's just so much going on

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 12/09/2025 09:13

@Drowningincokezero or, even better: no men at all. The happiest section in society as proven by several studies are single, childfree women.

OP could be enjoying a blissful, peaceful home and life once she dumps this irritating man.
(Cross posted with OP.)

Mrsttcno1 · 12/09/2025 09:15

You’ve set the standard that this behaviour is okay because you said if it happened again you’d be gone, but you’re not “gone”. You’re still there and you’ve now involved your daughter in the drama as well!