He lied again….

[Applebey]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

Does he pay for his children, who presumably live at yours at least some of the time, or is that 50:50 too? His bills went down by half when you moved in, but I bet you’re paying more living with him than you would be if you lived alone.

Why doesn’t your own daughter like him, even before this came out?

He’s made you distrust your own judgement. That confusion you feel is cognitive dissonance at being continually told to ignore your own conclusions.

Honestly we all get this is a difficult read but please understand THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

You have been groomed by an expert manipulator to accept his treatment from the very start without realising it and so you won’t know what way is up right now.

Please take some time to clear your head - stay with your daughter fur a week and tell him you need space.
You say your DD is an adult but as you’re only 38 yourself, age can only be very young still. Imagine her crying because she’s being treated like crap but a man old enough to be her father - you’d want yo kill him right?

Put YOU first, gaff done breathing space and slowly digest the reality. It won’t be easy but you have so much life left don’t waste it on this dickhead.

Day to day things are ok. He is quite selfish, I don't really mind that. I ensure everything is taken care of house wise. We are very superficial with conversations. Pleasant. We both work, watch tv at night. We coast. I don't really need much support, I don't ask for much or do I need much. He spends a lot of time on his phone, in his friend group chats or on social media. Yeah, its all a bit boring.

His children are adults with their own homes too. All of our girls are in their 20's.

A lot has happened over the years and as my daughter grew up she just told me she doesn't like him, I can do better and she doesn't want a relationship with him. They aren't in each others company often but when they are she's polite. He's none the wiser.

@Applebey so far you’ve told us that:

• he has cheated
• he has lied
• he expects 50/50 on expenses when he out earns you
• he has pressed you to pay for house renovations on a home you don’t own
• he has pressured you to take expensive holidays you can’t afford
• your daughter doesn’t like him
• he has eroded your self confidence
• he has no pride in your relationship
• he gaslights you
• hes quite selfish
• you do all the ‘wife work’ without actually being married
• he doesn’t support you
• you only have superficial conversations and anything you say he claims you’re overthinking

with all of this can you identify what it is that’s actually good about him? Other than financial, what are your reasons for staying in this relationship?

with him being older, you’re entirely likely going to end up being his career - stuck looking after an awful human being who has shown you no kindness or love. Why would you want that future for yourself?

Firstly get legal advice to get back some of what you invested in this guy's property.

Secondly see if you can stay with your DD, parents or a friend until you get on your feet.

Third, counseling with someone experienced in abusive relationships.

This guy is emotionally and financially abusing you OP. He's repeatedly cheating so risking your physical and emotional well-being. You write yourself you were never like this before him, that's not a coincidence, he has systematically broken you down to where you are now. You need to get away from him, you are a young woman with a lot of life ahead of you, please don't waste it nursing this guy into old age only for him to leave you financially screwed and homeless on his death. Nobody in your life will be surprised if you leave, your DD is telling you to get out, your dad's friend warned you, these people care about you, please listen to them and leave. Let them support you to leave.

This is utterly shocking seeing it written out like this.

Thank you, I couldn't see the wood for the trees

I wouldn’t want this man around my daughters Op. in fact I wouldn’t want him within a 3 mile radius of my daughters Op.

How long have you been with him?

It isn’t all the life you have known op.

you have been with him a decade?

you met married and had children with another man.

what are you other relationships like? Any friends or family you can confide in?

I was never married I was always a single mum before him. Life then was tough.

I have my daughter. both of my parents have passed. Not really got any friends, people I chat with in the passing but no friends to spend time with

I'm 38 like you (though no children, in a committed relationship with my cats). This isn't it for the rest of your life. We likely have at least 30-50 years of life left, don't waste it on him. Single life means making friends through hobbies, sports, community groups, group holidays etc.

Your constant state of worry and anxiety is caused by him. You're not needy - he's just an arse. The moment you dump him you'll feel such relief.

As you are not married do seek legal advice on your investment in the property. Was anything put on paper?

But you summoned the strength to leave the ex? You can do it again.

Op, you don’t want this man round your daughter surely? Come on, if not for you, for her.

why no friends? Does he socialise?

Have you lost friends since you’ve been with him?

Is it another area of your life he controls?

yeah he socialises a lot. This is where he met these women.

I used to socialise a lot, meet with friends for drinks etc but it's all stopped. a long time ago

Why?

and your last relationship… you left him or vie versa? Either way… you went on single op for a period op. You did it! And you can do again

Yeah pretty much lost my friends over the course of this relationship. Not all his fault. I just didn't want to lead that out drinking party lifestyle anymore. and then the friends that did hang about when I made that choice gave up on me when I kept making excuses and staying with him when he was being shitty

So take some pictures yourself of the holiday. Why rely on him?

He’s made you like this OP, that’s why you weren’t before but are now. Stop trying to see it from his perspective, you only need to see it from yours. He’s abusing you.

Think he is sensing something is wrong. I have been quiet today. He has just came in and told me he loves me (he says this about 20 times a day. Well more like sings it at me. All very like he feels obliged, no sincerity). I go between feeling anxious, to feeling trapped, to feeling useless.

I genuinely believe if I went to him right now and said I was leaving I needed space he would just tell me to stop overthinking and I would default to saying ok and sit down. Why am I so weak? I'm an adult. I should be able to make these choices. I don't even know what choice to make for me. I don't know what's right for me.

I can't even decide what to have for dinner on my own. I have found if he is away on a trip, I can't make basic decisions so I skip meals as its easier. I literally do everything to suit him. This hasn't been a fun day. It started off with is he still cheating and progressed to this

I really hope that you’re opening your eyes reading this OP. You deserve better, he’s grinding you down so you’re questioning your own sanity, he’s a monster.

@Applebey the list I wrote is only what you’ve told us and every update you share there is just more awful behaviour to add

• lost relationships with friends as he would treat you badly for going out
• socialises without you

im sure there is plenty more you could add but I think you’d have a really hard time coming up with a list of positives about the relationship, it sounds like you wouldn’t even be able to list what most would consider the bare minimum (ie he genuinely loves me, we enjoy spending time together, he’s kind, we share interests, we have a strong emotional bond, he lifts me up, we support each other, he respects me, he does his share of housework, we share finances equitably, he’s my best friend etc)

My constant state of worry and anxiety must drive him insane. I was never like this. When we first met I was self assure and outgoing, super confident

Look up emotional abuse.
Look up coercive abuse.
Look up financial abuse.

Then get the hell out. Contact Women's Aid, Refuge, even your local council will have a domestic abuse section. Get out, stay out, he's sucked you dry.

You’re ignoring a ton of red flags and it’s sad that you can’t see that you deserve better.

If you don’t leave then you will have told him that your ultimatums are empty. Just because it’s the second incident woman, doesn’t mean that you have to let this incident go too. I agree that there’s more that you don’t know but it doesn’t matter- he’s shown you who he is and he’s a liar who doesn’t like you very much never mind respect you. Your daughter is right and the hourly “don’t overthink” messages are to keep you under his control (spell)
It must be very sad for your dd who knows what you were like before the man. Choose yourself OP- you’re worth it

How long have you been with him op?

Was your last relationship your ex cheating?