Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lied again….

160 replies

Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:30

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
GlowWorm13 · 12/09/2025 09:17

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:10

I assumed by the message asking her to stop, it had ended but the encounter the other day has made me question it

Show quote history

Why would the woman react like that if this was all something that had happened years ago and it was innocent friendship now? Why would your DP lie about how he knew this woman if it was all innocent? Both their reactions in that one incident alone tell me everything I need to know about his loyalty to you.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2025 09:19

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:13

I know I shouldn't have involved her but I needed to speak to someone. She isn't a fan of his anyway so I knew it wouldn't affect their relationship.

He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. There's just so much going on

Show quote history

So it’s not “ very much a blended family “ Why are you settling for this? Your DD clearly thinks so too.

Rather than wasting your life worrying about what he is or isn’t doing why not enjoy the peace you deserve. He’s clearly a liar who has no respect for you. Bin him off and start to live the life you deserve.

ShoeeMcfee · 12/09/2025 09:19

Is there something else preventing you from getting rid, OP? Do you work? Do you have a lot of shared assets? It can feel daunting separating out one's life but it is definitely do-able.

He is not a nice person. Don't waste any more time on him.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/09/2025 09:23

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:13

I know I shouldn't have involved her but I needed to speak to someone. She isn't a fan of his anyway so I knew it wouldn't affect their relationship.

He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. There's just so much going on

Show quote history

I know I shouldn't have involved her but I needed to speak to someone. She isn't a fan of his anyway so I knew it wouldn't affect their relationship.

It is not about whether it affects her relationship with him. It is that you are turning your daughter into a 'friend' on an equal level to you, treating her like an adult friend when she is too young. This is not okay.
You are her parent, not her mate. She is your child, not your mate. She should not be involved in talking to you about your relationships.
When she is in her twenties, preferably after she has left home, then you can be mates, not before.

He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. There's just so much going on.
There is no need for you to dump him immediately.
Do it in your own time, when it suits you, when you are feeling better.
Do it when you have a plan and feel strong enough to carry it through.

But make sure you do it.
Don't stay with this lying cheating scumbag for decades - do you really want to spend years and years worrying about him cheating again and lying to you?

Duckyfondant · 12/09/2025 09:32

Even without the cheating, you've said he's a people pleaser with everyone BUT you. That's fucked up. You should be the one he wants to please most!

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:34

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/09/2025 09:23

I know I shouldn't have involved her but I needed to speak to someone. She isn't a fan of his anyway so I knew it wouldn't affect their relationship.

It is not about whether it affects her relationship with him. It is that you are turning your daughter into a 'friend' on an equal level to you, treating her like an adult friend when she is too young. This is not okay.
You are her parent, not her mate. She is your child, not your mate. She should not be involved in talking to you about your relationships.
When she is in her twenties, preferably after she has left home, then you can be mates, not before.

He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. There's just so much going on.
There is no need for you to dump him immediately.
Do it in your own time, when it suits you, when you are feeling better.
Do it when you have a plan and feel strong enough to carry it through.

But make sure you do it.
Don't stay with this lying cheating scumbag for decades - do you really want to spend years and years worrying about him cheating again and lying to you?

Show quote history

She is an adult, she doesn't like with us. She lives with her partner. When I said we are a blended family I meant more so me with his kids.

OP posts:
SL2924 · 12/09/2025 09:35

“He lied again…. “
What did you expect…?

It amazes me that people can live with this constant drama in their lives. Maybe you are hooked on buzz from that?

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:36

SL2924 · 12/09/2025 09:35

“He lied again…. “
What did you expect…?

It amazes me that people can live with this constant drama in their lives. Maybe you are hooked on buzz from that?

I defo don't want the drama. I don't get a buzz. I feel worthless

OP posts:
ShoeeMcfee · 12/09/2025 09:38

I hope that you feel better soon, OP, and then you should start making concrete plans to get rid of him.

EasySqueezy · 12/09/2025 09:39

Stop making excuses for this piece of shit. You deserve a life free of the anxiety he is causing you.

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 09:41

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:36

I defo don't want the drama. I don't get a buzz. I feel worthless

Show quote history

So why are you allowing a proven liar to make you feel like this? Your self worth isn’t about him, it’s about you setting boundaries of what you deserve.

Onthebusses · 12/09/2025 09:47

Do you fear being single?

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:48

Onthebusses · 12/09/2025 09:47

Do you fear being single?

I probably do. This life is all I know. My life with him

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 12/09/2025 09:54

The fact even your DD says bin him speaks volumes. Clearly you’ve raised her in a way that gives her a sense of purpose & worth, and that must come from the person you truly are. She knows you better than any, I’d listen to DD - dump & move on.

FeedingPidgeons · 12/09/2025 10:00

It could not be any clearer, he is cheating on you or has done so.

I have a funny feeling the cause of your anxiety is knowing he is full of shit.

You are worth more than this. His own moral failings are the cause of his shitty behaviour, not you.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/09/2025 10:03

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:34

She is an adult, she doesn't like with us. She lives with her partner. When I said we are a blended family I meant more so me with his kids.

Show quote history

Okay so there is no problem talking to her about your relationship, if she is happy to have those conversations.

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 10:04

How on earth is being in a relationship with a lying cheat who causes you anxiety, makes you feel worthless and your daughter thinks is a scumbag better than being single and having your own peace?

The issue with fear of being single is you are vulnerable and show desperation which scummy men can spot a mile off and use it other advantage.

Being on your own for a while and enjoying your own peace and quiet is the best gift you can give yourself. And you realise why so many mature women decide it’s a better life than being with another man.

Cheese55 · 12/09/2025 10:09

Applebey · 12/09/2025 09:48

I probably do. This life is all I know. My life with him

Show quote history

How old are you.? You've been together 10 years but this is 'all I know" ?

HuskyNew · 12/09/2025 10:09

Applebey · 12/09/2025 08:42

we have adult children. I have one daughter, he has two. We are very much a blended family. I see his girls as my own. But no kids together.

I spoke with my daughter about it and she was like get him in the bin. Don’t go through this again. But I keep thinking it was from the same period. And I have the tendency to overthink.

Do you think he’s hiding it to protect my feelings? Is it still going on?

His girls are not your own. They will side with him.

For gods sake your own daughter can see he’s no good. You’re not a blended family, she no doubt hates him and moans to her friends about how weak you are.

You can have a better life, go get some counselling to find your self respect

Original poster
Applebey · 12/09/2025 10:11

Cheese55 · 12/09/2025 10:09

How old are you.? You've been together 10 years but this is 'all I know" ?

Show quote history

38, before I met him I was on my own with my daughter. He's mid 50's

OP posts:
ByAgileLemonPoet · 12/09/2025 10:12

Oh OP I’m sorry but he’s brainwashed you into not overthinking so you don’t figure out what he’s up to. You need to get as far away from that man as possible to clear your head from his nonsense.

anytipswelcome · 12/09/2025 10:14

OP why do you want to be with someone you say wants to please everyone… except you? Someone you say doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… except yours?

I’m not surprised your daughter doesn’t like him. I can’t imagine being with someone my child didn’t like, if I felt the child was generally reasonable and sensible as a rule.

anytipswelcome · 12/09/2025 10:16

You’re 38! OP you can have a whole life after him if you split up! You can be happy single, meet someone else, anything is possible. Don't waste any more years on him. Show your daughter that the bar should be higher than this, if you stay with him you’re teaching her that staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t kind to you is acceptable.

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 10:18

So he’s almost old enough to be your father? Theres a huge power dynamic inbalance here that is often found with significant age gap relationships.

So when you met him you were late 20’s and he was in his 40’s and probably seemed like your saviour.

He's absolutely gaslighting you and training you not to question him. You’re young, is this really how you want to live the next 10/20/30 years constantly anxious and fearful of what he’s up to?

Personperson · 12/09/2025 10:22

I think you'd find you feel a lot better mentally if you didn't have Mr gaslight with you. Telling you to stop over thinking, even when you are not, is a red flag.

Remember this man was investing his emotions and time into other women and not your ten year relationship.

He has definitely done a number on you.

If your daughter was saying this was her man what would you say? If so, why don't you tell yourself the same advice.

He's just one man. It can't be worse being single than this, he's making you feel alone in a relationship.