He lied again….

[Applebey]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

You already know he's a cheater, has been for years, and have decided to tolerate it. You don't go anywhere, he just keeps wiping his boots on your face, and continues to do whatever he wants.

' When we first met I was self assure and outgoing, super confident. '

and you will be again, once you are rid of him. HE has done this to you, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day until you don't recognise your old self.

Once you are rid of him, you will find yourself again.

Because you’re in a relationship with an abuser. Google the boiled frog analogy.
Covert abuse happens slowly and gradually breaks you down. That’s what happened here, you’ve been systematically manipulated until you’re a shadow of your former else by an abusive man who has worn you down.

You're still young - please don’t waste any more of your best years on this prick.

He has worn you down OP and will continue to do so the longer you stay with him. Please find a way to leave.

Its starts with texting and leads to more. Believe me I know from experience which is why I am single, I threw my ex husband out for cheating. It started with sexting... He hasn't changed as a year and a half a go a new partner of his got my number off his phone (he has it still has hes my childrens father) called me and asked if he had ever cheated on me. Turns out he was sexting other women and asking them out for dinner. They do not change.

Can't you sit down amd tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him he needs to say no. End of. And if he does you are off and that you mean it.

Doesnt

Have you been to chump lady.com? She calls this 'spackling' - you are plastering over his flaws with excuses, 'he is a people pleaser' (really? He doesn't seem to want to please you!), 'he struggles with upsetting people' (yes you, but is this other woman really ok with his behaviour, and what about the kids?), 'he needs the ego boost' (because the committed love of a long term partner isn't enough). This man is a liar and a cheat. Why are you lowering yourself to believe he is all you deserve? He needs binned, your DD is correct.

OP he has shown you who he is. Believe him.
I made this mistake more than once and am now paying for it after 20 years together.
Listen to your daughter.
You deserve much more

38!!! For the love of god, get away from
this creep and get someone who will treat you well and have fun with you. You deserve a lot better than this.

FWIW, I don’t think it’s impossible to move past cheating and even building a healthier relationship. But I think it’s very rare. Especially for men, who are usually nowhere near as remorseful as women.

If he’s not cheating, he’s 100% on his way there and she’s going along with it. I would start preparing to leave and also message her and ask her directly what’s going on because from your end you were under the impression you are in a healthy relationship. Chances are she’ll lie but she might also tell you the truth.

What really comes across clearly in your posts is that you started off as a happy confident person but since being in a relationship with this covertly abusive man, he has made you feel lesser and lesser over many years to the point where you’re doubting yourself and your judgement now even though everything points to the fact you need to end the relationship. He has been grinding you down gradually- not just cheating on you which in itself is not forgivable, and which has understandably destroyed your self esteem but things like criticising your financial situation ( even though he is the one causing it by making you split 50/50 when he is the high earner!!) and also for example ‘telling you 20-30 times a day to stop overthinking’ - have you never asked yourself why he doesn’t want you ‘thinking’ ?! It’s really sinister. He sounds absolutely vile and I can see why your daughter is desperate for you to get rid. These posts are just awful to read - what must it be like for your daughter to actually watch this play out in real time? She sounds like she loves you and has her head screwed on- please please listen to her.

I really do understand OP.
I'm now a very anxious panicky person and so different from when we met.
This is partly through my ill health and chronic illnesses but also from wondering/second guessing and feeling suspicious and upset. It has made me needy.
I get it

You've said he's a cheater so what's the question? Should you leave him? Of course. Unless you enjoy spending your time constantly trying to figure out his current level of cheating. You're 38. Don't tie yourself to this loser.

This is no excuse for a partner's behaviour though!

By the time you’re having to analyse his every interaction with other women and question if he’s cheating on you, it’s already over it’s just a question of when you’ll actually leave. You can gather your strength and leave now and move on or you can allow yourself to be ground down by insecurity, wondering and second guessing until all your life has eroded to nothing and then leave.

38? I thought you were going to say 65.

At 38 I was just starting to have kids, you have your whole life ahead of you. You've made some financial misjudgements but you need to walk away even if you spend the next two months pretending you've moved your banking and can't access your funds to cover your share of bills.
Get ready to leave and fast.

Oh I just read those other bits about the 50 50 and the overthinking. Yes that does sound off. I dont think anyone should ever tell another person they are overthinking because what it actually means is " shut up I dont want to hear what you have to say".

You know deep down what he had really done and he wont stop because you forgave him last time.
Hes taking you for a mug. You deserve better.

No no no, you need less empathy for him, not more! You need empathy for yourself!!

Look at what he has done to you in the time you’ve been together. Look how he has ground you down, abused you emotionally and financially, cheated on you, disrespected you, put you down, turned you into someone who barely knows which way is up.

You haven’t done anything like that to him!

When someone we love and trust hurts us really badly, a really common and normal response is denial. I think you’ve been in denial for a long time, convincing yourself that the way he treats you is ok, that you don’t deserve better, that you’re the problem.

No. He’s the problem. He gaslights you, controls you (eg unilaterally booking a last minute holiday you can’t afford and expecting you to pay half) and abuses you and your trust.

No, you’re not perfect, no one is; but you’re not an abuser. He is an abuser, and great deal further from perfect than you are.

I hope the replies here will help you find your self worth and whatever else it is you need to find to walk away from this man, for good.

Meant to quote this post above!

I get told i'm needy also. When I am looking for basic human decency. I ask for reassurance that I look ok when we go anywhere. I ask if I am fat when we are by the pool on holiday. I need to feel acknowledged.

I also found viagra recently which I questioned him on and he says if I want to continue having sex then its something he needs to take. I have no issues with him needing it but he could have discussed it with me. I didn't know he needed it to sleep with me. Am I that bad? I just feel shit, I am sitting sobbing at my laptop. Luckily working from home, so I can do so without being embarrassed. I feel absolutely deflated

You have had some great advice on here.
I feel desperately sorry for you, but with respect, you now need to find your backbone.
Go to your daughters, even if just for a week at first. Have a week completely away from him, no contact at all. I guarantee you that even after one week, you will start to feel better.
Dont let this pathetic excuse for a man grind you down any longer, only you can change your life for the better, no one can do it for you.
Dont think too far ahead for now, just get through the next few days.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts your way, YOU CAN DO THIS!

It's his fault for making you feel like this.

A normal loving partner would make you feel desired and loved and supported.

You feel the way you do because of him.

I’ve read through this thread and it’s obvious he has emotionally abused you all this time and resulted in you being g anxious, no self self confidence and no self esteem. The viagra is obviously for someone else!!!! I don’t believe a word this man says. He’s financially abusing you too. Making you pay 50/50?! Wtf!! Please do yourself a favour and leave him and also claim for the money you have spent on the house, you will be entitled to it if you have paid for repairs. I can guarantee he’s a serial cheat, and also a bastard by the sounds of it. You’re only 38!!!!! You’ve got plenty of time to meet someone else and you’re still young!

What's he like on a day to day basis in your relationship? Does he support you? Does he treat you well?