He lied again….

[Applebey]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

OP, he is abusive. You are 38. You need to leave.

We split holidays 50/50 too. Last holiday we went was somewhere REALLY expensive. and basically he booked it and was like you owe me Xamount. I didn't know he was booking it, I didn't know we were going away until it was booked. And he had only booked it with 3 weeks notice until the leaving date. It was a mad dash to get leave from work etc I left myself short to go away and had to borrow money to afford it. He then told me my financial situation was "weird" and I should have more money than I do and that he didn't understand why i'm constantly struggling.

He does pay for dinner 80% of the time we go out and I pick the bill up when I can but honestly I just struggle and worry about money constantly

When he accuses you of 'over-thinking' he means he doesn't want you to think . have opinions / ever question him.

You know he doesn't value you. You know he lies to you. You know your daughter doesn't like him.

Please show her what to do when you're in a bad relationship with someone who doesn't deserve you - you leave.

Don't be frightened of being single. It's 1000 times better than being with the wrong man.

He literally says stop overthinking 20-30 times a day. It could be over nothing. I said yesterday about making a sandwich but didn't know what I wanted on it and he was straight in "stop overthinking" everything I say is met with the same.

Like the picture on holiday situation. If I were to say, I'm upset we never got any pictures on holiday together or of me. He would be like why are you overthinking, why are you ruining the holiday, why are you never happy. He exclusively took pictures of the holiday on his phone, as "he's better at it" and i've asked him several times to send them to me so I can look over them or show my daughter/colleagues and he still hasn't done it. I don't know, maybe it's a power thing. People at work are asking to see holiday pictures and I can't show them anything. I look weird, or am I overthinking

But he shouldn't be asking the other woman to stop flirting. He should be telling her that he's made a bad mistake betraying his partner, is about to block the other woman and will not be speaking to her again. That would show he's serious about you. He's not serious about you sadly and needs to go. Sorry, it's painful.

Op what would happen if you told him to stop telling you to stop over thinking? Or said I can’t afford that holiday you should have consulted me first? Or I want pictures of our holiday and that is perfectly normal - why are you withholding the pictures? Or my financial situation isn’t weird - what’s weird is you expecting me to pay 50:50 even for things I don’t agree to or things like your house and it’s definitely weird you telling me 20 times a day to stop over thinking

Surely you can see this isn’t right for a LT cohabiting relationship where one partner significantly out earns the other?

Like many of these threads, it starts off as one issue and then more and more abusive behaviours come out.

He’s abusive OP - he lies, cheats, leaves you short of money, gaslights and turns full DARVO on you.

Your daughter has his number - please listen to her

I tell him all the time i'm not overthinking, i'm just thinking and he finds it funny.

I tried to speak to him about my financial situation and what i'm able to afford and he told me "not to be embarrassed" but didn't offer any sort of resolution.

The last time I broached the subject of not being able to contribute to the latest house upgrade he wanted I got silent treatment, and then a LONG message about how he was trying to better our lives and he felt very unsupported which made him sad.

The stop overthinking thing is him controlling you OP.

Find the strength to move in with your daughter and put him in your past. He's vile.

You realise that you’re paying to renovate a home you have no claim on? If you split its hod house you’ve paid to improve and he’s the only one who benefits?

I hope writing this down is helping you see how far removed from normal this is.

This won’t work OP.

I have abandonment issues due to my mother dying when I was a child. I used to stupidly give exs recurrent chances, out of fear of being alone.

I’ve got to a stage now to realise no matter how many chances you give, cheaters will not change. This will make you feel awful and no point wasting your life away on this lying cheat.

Can you tell us what you've paid for regarding his house, OP? There might be a way of getting some of that back.

Your daughter sees him for what he is. If she'd let you move in with her for a short time while you get yourself sorted out, then I think that would be a really good idea.

He is a cheat and worse than that, he makes you think you're going mad. He is continually trying to make you think that. He's really awful.

If you're not married and weren't put on the mortgage then you should not have been helping to finance his renovations OP. If you have documentary evidence that you paid for renos then get legal advice to see if you have an interest in the property.

I wouldn't stay with this man. The lying stuff was bad enough. If you ignore it a second time then you're not sweeping it under the rug, you become the proverbial doormat yourself, and he'll know he can continue to get away with it. The subsequent updates about refusing to be photographed with you, continually accusing you of overthinking and abusing you financially has me questioning why you'd consider staying with him when you're still so young yourself. Don't waste any more of your life on this man, life is too short.

Why on earth did you stay with him when you found him flirting with multiple women and knee he kissed one of them? Leave him, he does not care about or respect you. He will keep doing it because you let him.

He’s controlling, manipulative, abusive as well as being a liar and a cheat. Honestly please see who he is - move into your daughters and find the space to clear your head and see the reality.

Why are you funding renovations for a house that you don't own? You are paying to increase the value of the property but you won't benefit from it at all, even though you have paid half.

I think he’s hiding to protect his own feelings!! He’s testing the waters which means he has his eye on the door. Unfortunately it sounds like your relationship has run its course. Really sorry to be blunt.

I never found out till a year or so after the event. One of my dad's friends had contacted me about him and it led me to snoop (i'm not proud of it) when I found out it was long past, although the woman he kissed he kept in touch with her. Messaging often when he was drunk. Telling her about that "he" was up to that weekend etc. Totally wiping the detail I was with him on these occasions. When I confronted him about it he knew I had read his messages and changed all his passwords so I couldn't look again and convinced me it was so long ago it didn't matter

OP I mean this from the kindest place, please leave. If you stay, you are mugging yourself off. You deserve so much better than him. And ignore any nasty comments!

OP - we all understand this may be hard to take read and your instincts will still be in denial but please take your time, take onboard what is being said in this thread, listen to your daughter who has his number and slowly the rose tinted fog will clear and you’ll see the reality of this abusive twat.

This! With every update it gets worse and worse! He has taken away every bit of confidence you once must have had @Applebey . You need to find yourself because right now you don't exist- he doesn't allow it. Move in with your daughter to get away from this piece of shit excuse of a man.

A man who loves you does not cheat on you, he does not make you go into debt for a holiday, he does not make contribute 50% when you earn less. He does not give you the silent treatment when you ask for help. You need to realise that he is making you think his faults are your responsibility and they are not.

No he's not hiding anything to protect your feelings. Hes a cheat and a liar and is just protecting himself.

Writing this all out is really helping me. I really appreciate everyones input. I never realised it was so bad until I started this post.

Look, i'm not perfect. I know I must be hard to live with also. My constant state of worry and anxiety must drive him insane. I was never like this. When we first met I was self assure and outgoing, super confident. Now he's left with someone who is constantly second guessing. I wish you all could get it from his perspective too, I actually wish I could get it from his perspective.

Can you contact citizens advice, women's aid, the council, or Shelter about getting a house?