He lied again….

[Applebey]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

A decade. and no I haven't really had an ex before him. Sorry if I wasn't clear. My daughter was from a short term thing. I always have been alone with her. No support from her dad

Ah OP , him using viagra is no reflection on you ..
lots of men his age have to , him not discussing it with you is probably cause he’s embarrassed to let you know that , but you found it so he had no choice but to come clean ..
Don’t think for one second I’m backing him up , but what I say is true , stop feeling bad about yourself x x

so if you have an adult child who lives elsewhere, then you presumably had her very young? And then stayed single until you were 28.

OP, you have been single before and raised a young child. You can do it again. This time…. You don’t even have the young child to factor in!

Dear op, ‘he is left with someone who is constantly second guessing’. He has caused you to be this way by his poor treatment and acknowledgement of you. Don’t feel lucky that he ‘puts up with you’. Once you have got away, I sincerely hope you do, over the months and years you will see how badly he has treated you and how it has affected your self confidence. Then you can work on finding the old you, the happy and confident you. Good luck

I know leaving will be scary, but think how much worse it will be in 10/20/30 years if he ends the relationship and you have no home. Now you're young, you have your daughters support to restart again.

So don't tell him. Just wait till he is out of the house, pack you bags and go. You own him no warning or explanation. You don't owe him anything at all.

You owe yourself, though.

This is why you need to leave him. he is bleeding you dry, financially benefitting from you and ruining your financial security. He is doing it to control you and to make sure you are never in a position to leave him. I cannot believe he makes you contribute to renovations on HIS house and makes you pay for expensive holidays that you had no say in. I would have refused to go on this blow the budget holiday, not put myself in a financial hole to Please him.

He is abusing you and most likely cheating on you to boot. You are so young, you're in your prime! Please leave, future you will thank you.

This is really hard reading @Applebey

You have a lot of life ahead of you. Just move out and go to your daughter's.
He doesn't like you and nor do you like him. The best you have to say about him is that he's selfish but you're ok with it. And you can get through a day side by side.

Life can be more than that. You don't have shared finances (other than the fact that he's bleeding you dry) , you don't own a house together, you don't have children together.
You can just get up and leave tonight.

Please start thinking on these lines and make plans! You can do this!

You have made your needs and your life miniscule to accomodate his despicable selfishness. This is extremely damaging to your mental health. Get out before it completely destroys you. You're already well on your way to vanishing as an individual person. Stop this!

How are you doing OP?