He lied again….

[Applebey]

Hi all,

looking for a bit of advice. So a couple of years back I caught my DP messaging another woman on Facebook. Inappropriate messages, and one kiss had happened. I confronted him and he tried to deny it until I told him I knew, I had read the messages. He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic.

At the same time I seen another message to another woman saying “we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”. (We have been together ten years, he shouldn’t have been flirting in the first place) but I wrote this off as he was setting a boundary and didn’t think anything else of it until now.

We were shopping the other day and he seen one of his friends so I told him to stay catch up with him and I would go get what we needed. I came out the shop and I seen a woman walk towards the two of them. Now normally if my P was speaking with a friend and I was walking over he wouldn’t do anything he would continue talking. But he made a big show of shouting that I was coming over, “here she is type thing”. The woman turned round and it was woman 2 (stop flirting woman). She looked panicked. She had been standing seconds and turned round and marched off without saying bye to them or acknowledging me.

I never reacted infront of his friend, chatted then got in the car. When he joined me I asked who she was. And got hit with a barrage of over explaining and lies.

“my friend (one who was there) went out with her a few times”
“my friend said she’s a psycho”
“remember I told you he dated her”
“remember I told you she messaged me about my friend”

ALL LIES. I asked why she walked away when I came over as I found it quite awkward.

“maybe she doesn’t like women”
“maybe she doesn’t like you”

I was dumbfounded. I know for a fact it was my partner she was flirting with. If he had said , look she tried it on and I shut it down (which I believe is the case) then I would be like - he told me the truth. But it was the panicked lies which is now making me think there’s more to it!

Please help me, has anyone been in this situation before? Where do I go from here?? I told him if this ever happened again I was out. I mean technically it’s from the same period, and I know he was struggling with insecurity but he should have told me the truth. Am I overthinking?

sorry for the long post didn’t want to drip feed

He didn't ask her to stop though did he. He suggested it might not be a good idea to continue but that is all. If this one sentence is the only reason you thought it had stopped then you've been kidding yourself all this time. You need to open your eyes and start looking at your whole relationship and whether it's good enough (pah!) or whether you've been blind. Maybe the reason for your anxiety and low esteem is because you are with him. Have you ever considered that?

"we need to stop flirting, I’m in a serious relationship”.

The whole situation in the town was very odd. Especially the woman but him announcing loudly that you were coming back? Hmm.
You're only 38 and your daughter isn’t keen on him. I’d be thinking about that.

I agree, him announcing I was walking towards them startled me. But I have no doubt it was so the woman knew I was coming. It was all strange and she was off like a rat up a drainpipe. Obviously his friend is complicit in whatever is going on too as he is the "fall guy", the one who apparently has/had something going on with her. I'm just exhausted with it all.

Listen OP, you are not this daft, but you like us to validate that you are by agreeing with your reasoning why you excuse your DP behavior.

He knows you know. This is why he is saying, "there she is coming.
He knows your worth, but hopes by his actions and gaslighting that you dont.
He knows you will buy his excuses and believe he is this people pleaser, and he probably is amused by it, going by the way he so blatantly lies to you.

Now, here is the thing, you are far from stupid, far from this gullible woman, so you have some choices to make, you can either live like this, believing his words over your common sense and clever thinking, where you know full well his game, or you can stop worrying over this so called DP and what he is up to, because I am across the pond and can tell he is lying to you.

Find your worth, stop excusing because you are too afraid to be alone, be right, or that he may find someone real quick after you, whatever the reasons are for you to put up condescending behavior, find those reasons and reevaluate this relationship.

Life is too short to live like this.

You are not enough for him so get rid of him and find someone who wants you, needs you and respects you above all others .

I'm not enough for him you are right.

He has my picture as a lock screen on his phone. Purely for the reason of I'm younger and attractive. He likes to tell me his colleagues have seen it at work events and he likes to show off. He doesn't make me feel attractive but likes the reaction of others.

We were on a holiday recently and I asked on more than one occasion if we could take some pictures of us together and I was told later, later never came. A full fortnight and not one picture to show I was there. But he was constantly snapping pictures of the place. It couldn't have been incase I put them on social media and he was seen with me. I don't have social media of any kind.

I just don't think he likes me that much. He claims to love me, tells me every day. But I think it's all just lip service.

You can’t trust him OP ..
He’ll drive you mad , isn’t it better to be on your own than to be living like this with him ..
You know he is interested by other women, & will converse with them , meet them , do whatever it is he does with them ..
That’s not what decent men do that are in relationships..
They’re loyal to their partner , otherwise what’s the point? ..
Your daughter even knows he’s not a good one ..
I know it’s hard to leave him , & i’m sure your self confidence is on the floor , but that’s due to him & his actions , you deserve to be happy ..
You’re not happy , but you will be again in time ..
Starting point Is leaving this man ..x

He never took accountability, I brought it up for a couple of months and then we rug swept. At the time I was hurt, but then it turned into pitying him for being so weak. I made jokes about how he needed validation and how it was pathetic

Toxic all round.

If you do something wrong, you apologise. If you forgive something and deccide to move on, you don't make sparky comments about it. You both sound incapable of being in an adult relationship.

This really doesn’t sound healthy Op. As others have pointed out he sounds like he’s done a number on you. He tells you you’re an overthinker, tells you he’s a people pleaser and insecure to justify his bad behaviour, tells lies to your face, shuts down his previous cheating as a topic that should be swept under the rug to stop you asking more. But there will be more. How can you believe anything he says? It was just a text. Just a kiss. The woman is psycho. The woman doesn’t like you. You’re over thinking.

Fact is your daughter doesn’t like him and you yourself have found him out to be a cheat and a lie.

He isn’t cheating through low self esteem. He’s cheating because he gets a kick out of it and eroding your self esteem and it seems even your sense of what’s real or not real.

Op if you are 38 and he is mid 50s you have so much time to find a new and better relationship. He is a liar and a cheat and no good for your self esteem. Honestly away from him you will see this more clearly.

Financially how would things look if you split? Do you work? Who owns house?

He owns the house, it would be me that would have to leave. I work but have zero savings, I would need to stay with my daughter temporarily until I could save for somewhere on my own

You swept it under the carpet last time, this time you are making excuses ' He and I live together and i'm quite unwell at the moment. We have also been through two bereavements in a short space of time. ' to do so again.
Don't.
Get your ducks in a row, you refer to him as ' dp' are you married ?

You are 38, you still have the other half of your life to live as I expect to live til 80 ish

Do you really want to be with him ?!!!

Even your adult daughter has told you to get rid of him.

This, together with the previous cheating and the situation with this other woman and I think you know he’s taking you for a mug.
I’m sure your daughter would rather you move in with her temporarily, rather than stay with this loser.

I know this must seem really scary to do but honestly living with your daughter for a bit to get back on your feet sounds far better than slowly being driven to despair and self doubt by a lying cheating man old enough to be your father. Sorry not meaning to be harsh to you just point out that this really isn’t fair to you and a good way to live!

How did you split finances when you moved in with him? Did you both earn equally? How long have you lived in house and did you contribute to mortgage? There are instances were a DP can have a claim on a property even if not on mortgage deeds or married.

Sorry, difficult situation, I know.
But, why even have him at home?

You can't be dependent on the man for housing, being unmarried you are in a precarious situation.
Can you see if you'd get any help with housing costs? This is the most important issue- your financial security and future.

It’s not that you are not enough for him , whoever said that , it’s a stupid thing to say !
He’s just one of those men where one woman is never enough ..
It’s just in them , he will be the very same with the next woman he meets , she will be fine for a while & then he will be at the same shit again , looking for others ..

Move in with your daughter OP , you have a job & you can save & move out ..
Rome wasn’t built in a day .. You’ll get there alright , I’m sure your daughter hates to see you being treated so shabbily x

I suspected this. I have very much been here. I think this is what causes all the problems. We put up with stuff that is awful because the alternative seems worse.

I used to think I could never be truly happy or complete without being chosen to love by a man.

Today I think quite the extreme opposite but I think for a normal person like you you should aim for somewhere in between.

Good luck. I think this is key. If we are not happy alone then are we even truly happy? I sought intrinsic happiness. Read The Untethered Soul or The Surrender Experiment. The latter talks about a vow of intrinsic happiness.

He earns a lot more than me. We split the bills down the middle. Any renovations etc 50/50 also. I have lived here about 8 years.

That really doesn’t sound like a fair financial split. Most people who don’t want to pool finances (totally fine) adjust the financial split if one person earns a lot more than the other. Basically you moving in has eaten up all your disposable income and given him lots of spare disposable income. He has even got you helping renovate a house you don’t have any clear interest in.
But the thing is legally after 8 years and fact you have contributed so much including renovations then you will have a legitimate interest in that house. Get legal advice OP.

Im sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has really had it made with the pretty young gf who he shows of to friends but in reality lies to, cheats on, gas lights and financially abuses.

Trust your daughter here. She doesn’t like him for a reason. He’s not a good man.

The idea of him showing off your photo as you're younger gives u an idea of how he sees you

You moved in with him?

I think he's hiding it to protect himself and possible the OW also.

I thinks it's possible/likely that he is cheating (His behaviour was very suspect) but you don't yet know for sure. Does he have opportunity?

I also think that due to your previous threat to leave, he also could be lying out of fear of your leaving, even if there's been nothing untoward going on. Is he generally weak?

I think you need to talk. Tell him that you don't trust him because of the way that he behaved in the past and that his denials don't ring true. Tell him you want to trust him but in order to prove that he is trustworthy, he needs to be scrupulously honest and see what he says. Would he be happy to let you check his recent texts and emails just this once, for instance?

Ultimately, only you can judge whether your relationship is worth your effort to try to get past this.

So he’s a people pleaser with everyone except you?

So there’s financial abuse as well as cheating and lying!
He out earns you but expects you to go 50/50 plus pay for renovations on his home that you have no financial claim on?

As you pay more than your fair share towards the household, does he treat you and pay for holidays, nights out etc?

He’s not trustworthy ..
Why would you advise her to entertain staying with him ?