Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

I'm all for being cynical about men in general, but in this case I don't see why he would make it up when they were planning starting a family very soon anyway.

You should see someone about whatever you're carrying, as that's quite a projection 😳.

I’m sure it lowers the count or even kills off the sperm which is why a lot of people going through chemotherapy freeze theirs

If she hasn't paid anything towards the house then I think she should transfer ownership of the house to him. He can leave it to her in his will if he wants, or leave it to someone else. That should be the end of the matter.

So you're implying that he just wants to use a woman to have his children and it doesn't matter what woman?
You're coming across as a bit weird and incel like. Have you been dumped by any chance?

Poor bloke is 29 and dying. He is not going to be being very rational right now.

She is 28 and her partner is dying. She should not be making any long term decisions right now.

For that reason I think that, if it is even possible, they should freeze his sperm. It keeps the option open. She doesn’t know how she is going to feel in 3 months, 6 months or two years. She doesn’t know if she will meet someone else. But losing the option could feel very painful once the chance is closed. Personally I don’t feel it is ideal to have a child by someone who has died but it isn’t the worst thing.

Then they need to start planning their wedding. That is something that they really should do while they can.

He is being controlling and she definitely shouldn’t have kids with him.

However, they aren’t married and are young, so really the bulk of his estate should go to whoever he wants it to go to, and if that’s not your sister but his family, then that’s his right.

It sounds like your sister and her family have got quite comfortable with his assets.

So let me get this right, they have a house with a mortgage together. He wants to sell it, get what little equity there is and do what with the money? Surely that is insane because if they stay in the house, and he dies, the mortgage will get paid off (unless its interest only)? Why would he do that to her?

He can't really expect her to get pregnant now, when she is already grieving his future loss, AND expect her to deal with a pregnancy and being a newly bereaved single parent??? The mind boggles.

Tell him she isn't ready yet as she is struggling to come to terms with the idea of losing him and if he wants to leave his sperm with express permission for her to use it, when she feels the time is right, she may use it. Being stressed over the impending death of your loved one is not the best time to get pregnant.

And surely whilst she probably cannot countenance the thought of having another Partner after him, does he really want her to be on her own in the long term, without that special someone? Surely its a compliment to him that she would want that type of relationship again!

If ever there is a time to be selfish I suppose its when you are dying but it is very selfish of him. This may sound horrible but when he is dead, he is dead and SHE has to live with it!

Absolutely this he's dying tell him whatever gives him peace.

Makes little sense, he wants to have children together with you, but he is dying (doesn't sound possible or frozen sperm) ? Or is his cancer is not life threatening for quite a few years and you could have children together before he dies? Or he already has children that he would like you to look after when he dies? All very different scenarios.

@Mumofteenandtween I know it might be hard for a woman to raise kids on her own but then if she doesnt have to worry about the mortgage or that he also has another insurance policy that will give her a pay out when he passes then that actually aint bad.

Some men cant even provide for a woman and thier own kids while they are still alive lol

Actually that could be totally possible too.

@Tontostitis yeah I guess she should just lie to him, make him pay even more money for freezing his sperm and then once he is in a grave her sister gets a mortgage free house. So just lie to him because you are worried about not getting the house.

Can it cause birth defects?

I question his love for her if he's trying to make her agree to this, and if he'd resent her moving on and having kids with their father around while living in the house he 'paid the deposit' for. He'd rather sell the house now rather than let her be financially comfortable, she's only allowed to have a mortgage free house if she commits to raising his baby alone for God knows how many years.

OP, how long has this argument being going on for?
Is it something he can out with in a moment of madness or has it been going on for a while and he's adamant?

He's still free to break to with her if he isn't happy with her decision.

Sorry HRTFT but can't she just say yes and

1. Use contraception without him knowing.
2. Don't use his sperm with he passes.

This is a ridiculous thing to argue with a terminally person over. Let him freeze his sperm. No one knows what the future will bring. She's not lying if she goes along with it now. She might be very happy to have that option in the future.

No lie to him to give him peace and it's pretty normal for the survivng half of a couple to inherit their joint house!

Have autonomy over her own body. yes how dare she 🙄

She needs to be truthful with him if she doesn’t want to have his kids

Why is she only working part time if she has no kids at present

the kids dont exist yet

He’s grieving for a future he won’t have.

I don’t agree that she should lie or get pregnant. But for him he just sees this as he’s gonna die and she’s gonna be like a Merry Widow - mortgage free and live her happily ever after with someone else.

i am a mortgage and protection adviser. 1 if he’s terminal his insurance will pay out now and he can clear the mortgage with it now, also buying and selling won’t work because he would be counted as vulnerable and therefore would need legal advice to ensure he understands what he is doing.

he needs to speak to counsellors

There are no good options here, I'd say humoring the poor man might be the best one?

I don't think she should be pushed into it at all. The decision is hers along.

But I don't think it's any more selfish for a woman to do this than to use a sperm donor or recklessly have unprotected sex with strangers to get pregnant, which women do all the time.

Perhaps sexist, but I heard of a poor woman recently who is dying of cancer and seeking a surrogate for her embryos. That I have a problem with,.as it's a surrogate, and the loss of a mum before you were born/on babyhood will probably impact more than the loss of father, which many people have due to family circumstances.

The key though is that she needs to want a baby, and want to do this. Which here she doesn't.