Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

This poster has just explained very clearly why it’s not. She has no control over those things.

I agree she doesn't owe him children. He also doesn't owe her a house!. Why must she have his house that he paid for?.

She has no control over getting a full time job and housing herself?. Especially since she is getting half of the value of his house?

That’s not what I said. The poster rightly said that if he wanted to he could cancel the life insurance policy, or make someone else the beneficiary, and change the tenancy on the house so that he has control of what he does with his share instead of it passing automatically to OP’s sister. That’s what she has no control over, although why he would do that is beyond me. As is the insistence of posters here that she shouldn’t expect anything.

A life relationship is more than transactional - or should be. The feelings they have for each other haven’t changed - the diagnosis has snatched away the future they had together. She’s effectively going to be a widow at a young age -and I simply don’t understand why some posters would be so cruel as to think it’s right that she should give up her home as well.

Her DP wanted to share his home, and wanted her to benefit from insurance should be be the first to pass away - presumably to enable her to pay off the mortgage. The scenario he planned for is here and suddenly he wants to uproot the life they had with no care to what happens to the life partner he’s supposed to love. And what’s shocking is that posters are supporting that, instead of recognising that he’s facing his own mortality and not thinking straight. Sometimes MN gives you an instant insight into why divorce rates are so high. It’s because nobody really commits to a relationship any more. There are always strings attached which reduces it to nothing more than a transaction. Sad.

Because he wanted her to ? Because he put her on the deeds and made her the beneficiary of a life insurance policy, presumably so she could pay off the mortgage. What he planned for has happened. It takes time to come to terms with your own mortality and he’s clearly having difficulty with the thought of it, so he’s not thinking about taking care of his partner after he’s gone. He’s dying. He has an excuse. What’s yours ?

Why not just agree? He can freeze his sperm and she can decide once he's passed if she wants his kids or not. This seems like such a mad thing to be arguing about?

Things change. He is allowed to change his mind. If I were him, I would sell and enjoy my money before I pass away. She won't grieve for long. She will marry someone else who will end up with half his house.

And to put it bluntly he’ll be dead, so what does it matter to him ? Blowing up your relationship and leaving your partner struggling after you’re gone is selfish in the extreme, and supporting the view that a woman about to lose what she thought was going to be her life partner, should lose everything so that he can have one last fling is fairly shocking. You can’t know for how long she’ll grieve, or that she will remarry.

My DH died nearly nine years ago. The grief is still there and I haven’t remarried. Do you think I should have been happy to allow him to wreck what we built together and blow the money - not that he would have done because in a secure, happy and mature relationship, what happens to the other partner after your death is planned for out of love and concern. Both of which are thin on the ground on MN these days if this thread is anything to go by.

Totally agree with @thebabayaga2025 . Well said!!!!!

I suspect there is a correlation here between the posters who think she should get nowt and the ones who think ppl should be kicked out of their social housing homes the minute the relative they are caring for passes away

And who would risk having kids with ppl with those attitudes. Sometimes MN gives you an instant insight into why birth rates are so low

Bit of a risk having a kid with someone who chops and changes their mind.

It sounds like he's really struggling with his diagnosis and the fact that he's dying. Taking this out on your sister in the way that he is isn't fair, but it's not unusual. People can act completely different to their usual character when they're this confused, terrified, emotionally stressed and exhausted. I would suggest they seek counselling, and freeze the sperm. Your sister doesn't have to use it if she still feels the same after he has gone, but she may change her mind and feel she wants his children. Only time will tell. It seems like he's feeling rejected because your sister has said she doesn't want his children, which is a completely rational decision on her part. Everybody wants the best for their children and having a deceased parent/s can be particularly hard; it seems he's not thinking rationally, understandably, and spiraling more and more into emotional turmoil and pushing your poor sister away. I really hope they can find some counselling that really helps, and brings them back together to be there for eachother in these tragic circumstances.

If the guy has any sense, he will sell the house now and share the money. She will definitely get married to someone SOON!. She is 28 with no kids and will have a paid for house!. Some dude is going to latch onto her quickly and he will end up with half the house. There's There's thread of a woman who married sone dude and is about to divorce. The dude will end up with half her house.

I don’t get this, and a few people have said it.8

if he sells where’s he going to live? Is he really going to want to spend his last months sorting out a house sale? Packing up and moving to a rental? If he can even get a short term rental.

no way would I be selling up my home and giving up my home comforts at that point.

He won’t be thinking straight.
Why is your sister only working part time? I’m not saying she should get pregnant, but most people have rent/mortgage to pay PLUS bills. She would be in a very enviable position at the age of 28 to be mortgage free and only paying bills. What does she contribute exactly and what does she do with her earnings now?
I don’t think she should lie, she will have to face his family. Surely getting married covers it anyway?

I think your sister will need to be very careful about who comes in to her life next, protect that home. Because someone could swoop in and take half just like that!

That's what I was thinking too. Selling and moving is a pure hassle. Would he be fit to do it? Would he want to go back to his parents?

Others have said 'enjoy your money' what does that really mean? Lots of holidays? Who with?
The woman who you want to make homeless?

My other question is if the insurance doesn't pay out until he passes away, who's paying the mortgage and bills at the moment?
The Sister who works part-time?

I doubt Op will be back. But the sister needs to look out for herself incase her partner doesn't.