Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

You cannot donate sperm whilst on chemotherapy.

Your sister should do as she feels, if keeping him happy requires agreeing with his wishes whilst he is on this dreadful journey, she should do so.

Please don't judge her @BePeppyDuck, be supportive

This is awful. People should have kids because they want kids and can give them a nice life. Not to use it to prove 'how much they love' someone else.

I can see why he wants this, its probably a normal human reaction. However he is not thinking of the potential child who has to grow up without even the chance of ever meeting their dad, and with a mother who is potentially struggling financially and emotionally. And he is not thinking of your sister - having a baby is really really hard and doing it completely on your own, when you're still grieving etc would be awful

I think in this situation the only feasible thing to do is lie. The alternatives are (if she can't make him see her point of view) to get pregnant which is a terrible idea, or split up which it sounds is not what either of them actually want and would leave him without support and her with a whole load of grief and guilt.

In which case I think I’d be inclined to reassure him and say if she’s ever in a position to need his sperm for a baby she’ll certainly use it.

he’ll die happy, it’s not like he can hold her to it. Not exactly lying. I’d do it to give him peace of mind.

or suggest he just donates sperm generally?

Imagine her explaining to her kids in a few years time that they will never have a father because she decided to have children with a man who was dying, that's not fair.
It's one thing if a parent dies, quite another if it was a choice

What an awful situation for everyone involved, I have nothing but sympathy for both of them.

He isn't reacting rationally, but then, who would in his shoes.

If this were my sister I would be advising her to propose and concentrate on planning and having a wedding (it sounds like something they both want). Hopefully the commitment of that will help with his feelings, and the planning and actual wedding day will be special for both them and their families.

Forcing the woman who he supposedly loves to either bare his children solo or lose her home is abusive.

I've got zero problems with an abusive man being lied to. Even if he was up until that point the model partner, and even though he is dying, and even when there's a lot of understanding for how he has come to behave like this. His demand and emotional manipulation around her "loving him enough" to agree to go through AI, birth and raise children alone whilst grieving for her partner is abusive. I would hate to see her either carry out the wishes of somebody who will not be alive to witness it and regret it for the rest of her life, or be made homeless even though it is literally of zero benefit to him to kick her out of their house.

I don’t see that as a lie.

freeze the sperm, after that, who knows.

your sister might have a baby and live happily ever after.
she might not be able to carry a baby
she might meet someone and him change her world
she might get knocked down by a bus on her way to the funeral.
I don’t think focusing on the what ifs at this moment are going to change any of that.

if what you say, he’s a good guy, is true. That’s his decision to do that. Her decision comes later.

If this is an out of character request/demand it may be worth exploring if it’s actually a symptom of something changing with the cancer. Perhaps worth mentioning to his medical team if that’s a possibility.

That's what I was going to say. If he's already begun treatment, would his sperm even be viable to freeze?

No it’s fraud and deception. He’s going to leave her everything under false promise that she will give birth to his children. He needs to be given the truth. His mother may want grandchildren from him as I saw a article recently where the grandmother conceived via a donor her sons’ child. Eitherway she’s not wrong to not be a single mum to child who will never know their father. I also echo other posters comments about maybe her going to appointments herself to ensure what he is saying is true.

if he resigns to the fact that be won’t have kids then he will make sensible decisions that everyone can live by without any guilt.

So basically 29 year old BF put a deposit on the house, paid most the mortgage, took out insurance to pay off the mortgage, allowed your sister to be part time and contribute less, helped her and her extended family when necessary and now finds out he's going to die without issue.
I can understand why he feels as he does. The finality of knowing you're the end of your genetic line especially when you were planning to start a family soon must be awful.
It doesn't mean that your sister should do as he asks but she shouldn't lie about it either. If she won't be having his children then he needs to know that.
He should then be made aware of his rights with regard to his half of the house. As they're not married she isn't his next of kin and doesn't inherit. If he marries her she does. He needs to be made aware of this incase he wants his share to go elsewhere.
She may find she has to sell up or buy out whoever his half goes to with regard to the house.
Whilst this may seem cruel I imagine he feels her living in a house he paid for with another man and there children is cruel too. He expected to reap the benefits of his home and not provide it on a platter to another man whilst he's gone and pretty much forgotten.
A difficult situation all round and I think he should get counselling to help him navigate the tough choices ahead.
I wish them both peace.

Sorry but I dont have a sensitive way to ask this. But how long is not long to live? And how long has he known

Because i think this is a bit early for these very rigid stances. I can understand hes scared, and desperate to have as much of the future he planned, like children to live on. And if your DSis is understandably reluctant atm I can see why hed find anger at her easier to face than his fears. Shes getting the live he will lose with a house and potentially a family with someone else. Must be very difficult for him

Equally I agree with your sister, kids deserve a dad. Its not a light decision to agree to have his children without him, that she alone will struggle to provide for financially, physically and emotionally alone. And she very well might be trying to avoid thinking about him not being there.

While I dont think she should lie and freeze sperm she plans to destroy. But it might reasonable to say ok let's get your sperm frozen, let's talk it through. But be clear she isnt saying yes just not no?

It’s the outright No that I have a problem with

Exdh was given a terminal diagnosis. So have been in the position of losing a partner
I can’t see the reason why you wouldn’t agree to pretty much anything to make their final days happy

Whether it happens or not.

FWIW exdh is still around and has recovered. (operation that was only able to be performed because of a list of criteria)

Exactly this.

I'm not medically trained. But isn't there any negative point here, he is very ill, will the sperm be of good quality? I imagine the younger and healthier you are, the better the quality of the sperm. Both equally important factors.

Take out the diagnosis part and everyone would rightfully say how awful he is. He blackmailing her. No kids no house. He doesn't sound nice at all.

Is the diagnosis even genuine. He might have made it up to try and control her.

Are you absolutely sure he is ill?

Has your sister actually been with him to any of his medical appointments or been involved in any discussion with medical professionals about his diagnosis, and him freezing his sperm?

Have they had any discussions with any type of professional around the legalities of freezing his sperm and her potentially using it after his death, especially as they are not married?

This is all very odd and coercive. Something is really off here.

So do you have proof of the diagnosis? Not clear

That is a really unpleasant accusation with no basis whatsoever

Or maybe an older single woman out there who is desperate for a baby can benefit from this situation? She can replace his name with her name so that she gets a mortgage free house and a child although this other woman will have to share the house with your sister.

Some women are happy enough to become a single mother by choice

"Is the diagnosis even genuine. He might have made it up to try and control her." the cynic in me also wondered this tbh.🙈

Or perhaps he might have a brain metastasis that’s just started to change his personality….

Nothing in her story said she was prepared to take her name off or move out yet she clearly doesn’t want to carry his child. She should move out and let him sell the house - she cannot expect to gain a house and move on with someone else while he just fades out and continues providing for her